Now what? Wait it out?

[Tara_9]

I've mostly been posting in the "newcomers" section under the subject "so discouraged" if you need some history, but wanted to get some advice on the A. If the pronouns are confusing it is because this is a same-sex partnership. Were were together for 7 years until two weeks ago.

Found out more today about the extent of lying she has done. It turns out that she had been actively pursuing the OP since I discovered the suspicious e-mail in mid-July. The OP told a mutual friend that it was a friendly thing until my partner crossed a line. Then it went from flirting to a type of EA. I had asked my partner to cease all contact with the OP and remove OP from her social network "friends". She removed the friends contact and told me she was no longer in contact with the OP in any way. But apparently she never stopped phoning the OP. The OP told the mutual friend that my partner was relentlessly pursuing her and she was disturbed by the fact that my partner was even calling her at work, calls that she was uncomfortable with and could get in trouble for. The OP said her friends are telling her to run in the opposite direction, and that my partner is way more into this than she is. The OP even mentioned being disturbed by my partner's mood swings (she IS quite moody, but I'm assuming she's on her best behavior right now, and this is already bugging the OP? She ain't seen nothing yet--the mood swings are actually considerably better than they used to be). But...after a while the OP said she was flattered by the attention and did not want to hurt my partner's feelings, so has allowed this to become a physical affair. The OP apparently wanted/wants to call me, as she was a friend of mine, but the mutual friend told her that wasn't a good idea. My partner would be so crushed by this if she knew. She definitely has laid the groundwork to make this a relationship with the OP, but apparently that is not what the OP ultimately has in mind, though her actions are saying different and for all I know by now she could be into it as well. The OP left her relationship a year ago and says she enjoys the current showering of attention.

My partner is adament she has done nothing wrong because she broke up with me before "anything happened", so I have "no right to feel betrayed or disrespected". Right. She laid out all the plans and groundwork and had an EA, then moments before she got physical, she broke it off with me and thinks that she "has not done anything wrong". I asked her point blank just over a week ago if she was seeing this person and she said no, she just had coffee with her. I asked if she was lying to me and she said "no, I wouldn't lie to you about that." But I know now that she did lie, has been lying, and is still lying. She called me Thursday morning and didn't seem to want to get off the phone--in fact I ended the call. She just wanted to chat and chat. I realize now that she spent this past Wednesday night with the OP, but when I asked what she did that night (after she had asked me the same on Thursday morning), she said "nothing fabulous". Not terribly flattering to the OP...
LIAR!!

How do I get past the lies? I'm still pretty much under my "veil of apathy", but it's the realization of all the lies that is crushing my spirit. Until now, I thought--knew--that she was honest to a fault. Who is this person?

How many other people have been told by their spouses that "it's over", "we're done", "I broke us up before anything happened so I did nothing wrong", "we will NEVER get back together", only to have their spouse backtrack on all these "certainties"? My partner complained to friends she was dissatisfied in the routine of our relationship for quite a while, but never told me. It feels like she was making excuses to behave badly should the opportunity arise, because she was acting very differently here than she implied to friends.

I'm doing my best to GAL but my mind keeps churning with images of them. At least now I know it's been going on for at least two weeks, so the anticipation/anxiety of them being intimate is over, but it's been replaced by a feeling of her slipping further and further away. We "co-parent" a small zoo of 2 dogs and 5 cats that we both love dearly, and she just walked away. She likes getting together to walk the dogs, but when I found out about the A and all the lies two days ago, I cancelled the scheduled walk and left her a note saying that I can respect her need for independence, but I can't allow myself to be disrespected and played for a fool at the same time. She flipped, and said I had no business shutting her off from the things she needs (stuff from the house that I told her I would get to her this week because I didn't want to see her for a bit). I have given her access to what she wants when she wants it right up until this past Friday, but I just needed space for a bit to absorb what I now know. I left the crucial things she needed on the porch with a note. It is a 180 from what I'd normally do, but she was so angry that I did that. Then later she texted to ask if I was OK. I feel manipulated: if anger doesn't work on me, she'll try kindness. If that doesn't work, she try venom. Why do WAS's turn so unrecognizable?

She went over to my parents' home twice this week just to hang out, but spends nights at the OPs, except for the times the OP said she couldn't (again, I think the OP is wary, but is getting caught up in all the flattery).

In other people's experience, how long does this type of affair last? I'm not waiting by the door, but I'm not closing it completely--I still have hopes that she will take time to work on herself and be alone for a while to see she can be independent. Why she had to swing from one lifeline to the next amazes me because she is so highly critical of others who do exactly what she is doing!!! I am REALLLLY trying to GAL, but the thought of them together just makes me physically ill...