First of all, I hope that you did understand my post to you wasn't angry. And now, I won't bring that up again, because I do know that I have a tendency to over-apologize and over-explain.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about all of this lately. O.K., O.K., so I over-think, too! But, this time it was the good kind of thinking. It wasn't my usual all or nothing stuff.
I have come to the conclusion that like Dorothy, I have the ruby slippers. I always did. I have been living my life like everything was give and take, yes or no, true or false. Black and White is my husband's favorite way to describe my line of thinking.
But, I am seeing that I have control over that. And, I'm also seeing that his choices do not necesssarily reflect on me. I think that the rejection was killing me because I thought that he just didn't understand how sorry I was or how intent I was to make things beter. So, I kept ramming it down his throat. And, when he didn't "come around," I would then think that my only option was to go dark. Way, Way dark.
Gosh, wonder why none of that worked?
Thanks to a lot of help this past week or more, I have come to see that I do have control over my situation. This does not mean controlling it to the point that I can restore the marriage, but I do have control over my level of comfort and my happiness.
What I took from what Nicola said was that it is my H's choice to hold on to the past and feel whatever he feels over my mistakes. I don't have to agree with it, nor do I have to try to change it. I have to accept that it is the choice he makes.
That being said, I think that I am doing a lot better with things. He has actually been here a lot more (to see the kids), and I am o.k. with that. I was so caught up in what people were saying ("hey, he moved out, tell him to stay out!") that I wasn't being true to me.
So, why do I feel better? Well, I think that I feel my control coming back, but in the right way. As I said, not controlling him, but instead the way I react. It seems too simple, but I have realized that I can do whatever the F*** I want to do, and I have control over how I choose to feel. O.k., so I am just spitting back some of your own words to you. But, honestly, I do understand and feel this.
Example: I invited him here for dinner last night. He came. I commented on the way he was dressed (nicer than usual) and his new haircut. I don't remember exactly what he said or did, but I do know that I got the impression that he did it for me. I said, "If you have cologne on too, I don't know what I will do!" He just smiled, as if he was caught in the act.
We had a nice time together.
Today I texted him about possibly going to watch his game. No answer.
Now, before that would have sent me into total darkness. I would have been pissed off that he was here for dinner the night before and even flirted a bit and now he was back to ignoring me. I had to laugh it off. It was typical. He still has to come here later, after his game, and I WILL NOT be punishing him for what happened today. It was his choice, and I accept that he didn't want me around. It doesn't take away from the fact that I did want him here for dinner last night, and it doesn't take away from the time we had together.
It is what it is.
You're totally right that I have been coming here with no success in the marriage. However, I have been successful in understanding myself better. Even though I don't like putting myself out here like this, I am glad that I did it.
You're also right that I have taken responsibility for what I have done wrong, and that I need to stop. As I said before, I was thinking that I just wasn't doing enough of this or being sorry enough, since he still didn't want to trust me.
So, thank you for helping me find my way to this place. I needed to know that my H divorcing me did not make me a failure. Only my reactions to it can do that! I can rise above it all and just go on to be the best person I can be.
I don't know that there is really anything left to this story. I have never been the type to journal what is going on. If I were to do that, I would get waaaaay too much encouragement that my H does want to be with me. I could tell 100s of stories that would make people post to me that he really does love me. Well, he says that he doesn't, so that is what I choose to believe. And I also choose to stop hoping that he will.
The only reason I would post those stories is so other people will not be shocked when their D's go thru, even though they may have H's like mine who act like they don't want it. I really don't want anyone else to live on false hope for as long as I did.
I'm glad I was able to help you. Like you, I have spent an enormous amt of time kicking myself, and thinking that if my H only knew how much I'd changed, he'd come back and we'd have a great marriage, blah blah blah.
But what I forgot to factor into the equation was him: his choices, his thoughts, his growth (or lack thereof). Yes, I have changed and grown, but I'm still basically the same person, which I think is a good thing. Then again, so is he, and I really don't see how we could NOT end up in the same negative pattern again unless he follows the same path I did. And he does have the "right" to choose not to, as much as that sucks, lol!
I'm glad you're doing better.
~Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I don't know why, but I find myself working hard to post to you. This is about the third time I started to post. There comes a time when we just do things. We don't give a thought to their motivation. We just go about things as business as usual. It's a great place to be.
If you were to find the first post for me, you would see I was questioning a motivation of my ex. I got to the point where things became all about me. It's a nice place. That doesn't mean that I don't consider the feelings of others. It just means I save my energy for my life. I understand that as someone who is not divorced after 4 years of this nonsense, you have a right to consider more of the actions of the spouse. I am not worried about saving a marriage. I just have a good relationship with my ex and that is good for our sons. But I think my place would be an excellent place for anyone trying to save a marriage to be. It is so nonchalant.
I think the nonchalant (i love that word) comes in time, I still try to master it.
I Know it is hard when you have a "nice" was/mlcer, to just not think that what they are doing is "hopeful" That is the part I think you have to let go of, or detach from.
That the niceness means anything. Let the niceness, just mean you are lucky, that you don't get any spew, but it doesn't mean anything else for now, B/c as of right now, he is just a lost soul.
chin up doll, you will get there, it all takes time.
Analysis Paralysis, is hard to break but you will.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Just stopping in to say that I'm so proud of you!! Don't take that as a condesending thing, it isn't. I just am!
I also want to touch on something that you said. You said that you wanted people to benefit from the knowledge that some will go through divorce even though they do it right and the person filing doesn't seem to want it. I'm sure my ex-fiance would say he fit into that category. Unfortunately, there are times when no matter what you do it just isn't going to work. Hopefully those times are rare, but they happen. And since I didn't have any hard feelings, I was as kind as I could be while ending it and probably gave him some false hope at times - unintentionally.
You also said that you don't want people living with false hope as long as you have. But Pam, there is nothing false about YOUR hope. Even if he decides to chuck this marriage, you have to have a relationship with him forever. When the boys are grown, they will get married and their babies will have baptisms and yadda yadda yadda. So even if it does go to hell in a handbasket, the hope isn't dead or false. Your hopes MIGHT just have to modify a little bit. And remember, it wasn't until my hope left the building that my H's hope was able to point in my direction! Anything can happen. Anything.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Thanks to all who posted to me. I think that I once again got my head on straight and now just need to stop thinking about this stuff. I just didn't want to stop posting without thanking the people who came here and offered support and advice.
IMP, I am sorry that you had such a hard time posting to me. Your advice was both good and truly appreciated. So good, in fact, that I have nothing of value left to say. I can't very well argue with your assessment that it is time to move on.
The things that stood in my way were all fear based. I don't want to live like that or come across as that type of person.
Thanks to all of you. You are a special group of people and I hope the best for each and every one of you!
But, this time it was the good kind of thinking. It wasn't my usual all or nothing stuff.