Valeria You sound in a good place. Yes, I think we all long for a type of closure - a recognition from them of the immense hurt they have caused, not just to us, but to their children, and other family members and friends, and to have a conversation with the 'normal' spouse.
This would mean a lot to me. We got partially there last Dec/Jan, but then he retreated back to fantasy land, so I understand your caution. My therapist says they are 'well defended' in MLC - meaning that they have put up a lot of barriers between themselves and reality.
Interesting about your h's respect for you standing up for yourself! I think that mine both likes and is frustrated by my patience and self restraint. Sometimes he wants to pick a fight, but I have become adroit as side-stepping this.
Recently when my h was on the pohne he got it into his head that I wasn't on my own in my apartment, and he absolutely freaked out! Could't contiue the conversation at all, and hung up. For all their talk of 'find someone else' they are curiously unwilling to let go!
I think you should book an exotic vacation somewhere. Something that sounds like a 180 and is really exciting and a trip of a lifetime. First you deserve it, second, H won't want to miss out...
About the barriers they put up, it's so true. My H admitted to me that he was running away from reality and his alternate world that he had created for himself (including the ow) was a total escape.
Now we can understand that this is no answer or solution; it's just prolonging them hitting bottom hard, which they eventually do. It just depends on when they deplete everything their escape has to offer them.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
If you don't mind, here is how I might have written that.
I think you should book an exotic vacation somewhere. Something that sounds like a 180 and is really exciting and a trip of a lifetime. You deserve it.
Hope - it is so interesting getting all of my t's insights confirmed - I felt that he understood what was going on, but good to see how spot on he has been!
WOW. What a few days of calling. I remember, though your H was being most clear in his recent calls, he has always had moments of "clarity" and has always said he loved you so much.
It's so hard to hear and trust that after all their actions in between.
It will be up to you what you will do with the information as it fits into your healing - which is the only thing you are concerned about regarding this entire situation. The rest (fixing his life, healing, returning to the man he was with improvements, facing his issues) is up to your H.
And you bring up a wonderful point - there is NOTHING we can do. You mentioned that your H really thought your "fight" was good, but we hear others who say the kind compassion is good. We will never know, and likely, at the time, there is NOTHING we can do to to coax them out of the process. The best thing is to act in a way that you can live with later.
