So if you start to detach how do you get back to where you are. Doesn't that just make is easier to S forever? I am struggling with this right now so I thought maybe you could help.
Corina - that is good that you have done your 180 and that he is coming over on Monday. Would you usually go to work at that time? If not, then I suggest maybe not doing it. I did not answer some phone calls this weekend from my H and he was very angry with me. I think he thought I was playing games etc. Really I did not want to talk to him but he knows I always answer the phone so it backfired. Lesson learned. Just remember to think through your 180's as I have learned the hard way. Things seem to be fine now but I know he was pissed the beginning of the week. I hope everything goes well on Monday
I know what you mean about back firing, I kicked my H out hoping he would see sense as my tears weren’t working and then he wanted to go.
I just don’t know what to do. The reason I detach is for my own sanity. Not sure how you get back to where you were, I don’t believe you can I guess it has to start as something new. I agree with Nugget part of my problem is my need to control and when I can’t control I get angry.
Also this is my new motto.
"Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be LOVED???"
I am in such a catch 22. After looking at my part in the breakdown I see that I can be real cold and so now I am trying to be nice but I just don’t see him, I have not seen him since 1 September. A couple of emails back and forth but that’s it, so I might just be ready to go to work and see if he suggests a coffee or anything but no matter what I will be nice and friendly as he will need to do more washing in the future and I am hoping that we can develop some sort of friendship that may lead on to more, I know it sounds so silly as I am not his friend I am his wife, but if he is getting sweet from OW and I am cold that just makes it easier for him to move on, I am hoping to put me back in the picture. – If I have this wrong anyone please correct / advise me.
So if you start to detach how do you get back to where you are. Doesn't that just make is easier to S forever? I am struggling with this right now so I thought maybe you could help.
It depends on what you motivations is for detaching and what you mindset is. The key is to "detach with love." You are detaching emotionally not physically or intimately. You have to do this to help remove the pain & hurt that you are feeling and to gain control over your emotions. Not to remove yourself or to forget about your spouse and your goals. Once you can begin to detach for the right reasons, everything will become clearer. Your emotions will not control what you do, but your logic will. And when we are not acting on our emotions during these difficult times and acting on our logic, we make better choices on what to do.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
I just don’t know what to do. The reason I detach is for my own sanity. Not sure how you get back to where you were, I don’t believe you can I guess it has to start as something new. I agree with Nugget part of my problem is my need to control and when I can’t control I get angry.
Getting back to where you were is not what you want. Remember, that is what got you to where you are today. You want to start over and build it better this time. Build it better with all the new knowledge that you are gaining.
For me, my new found understanding of anger and beginning to gain control of it, has been the turning point for me. Everything seems to so much easier now. I feel as if I have more control as human being now and not some deranged lunatic. I have clearer thoughts, I make better decisions and I definitely treat my W better.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Thanx Nugget for the great advice. I guess I have to work more on detaching emotionally. It will be a full month tomorrow that we have been separated and I am not nearly where I need to be. I need to start dealing with logic and not my emotions.
It is not an easy task unless you get into the right frame of mind first. To do this you have to get your emotions under control, which right now can seem like an impossible task. Mind over matter type thing. Except it is mind over emotions. You have just got to work on thinking and acting with your brain, your logic. Not with your emotions. Like I said it will not be easy at first. Start to focus on more what type of thinking is controlling you behavior. Emotions or logic. Once you begin to recognize your behavior and what is controlling it, you will begin to see how it affects and controls how you act or react to any given situation. Once you begin to recognize it, you can begin to control it.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Well I learnt a lesson this week – unfortunately the hard way.
H was coming to do his washing on Monday and I had it all planned in my head we would have a nice chat and you know start building that bridge, well when he was not here by the time I left I was so upset and disappointed. He rang me a couple of times I ignored most calls when we spoke he wanted the password for my PC I told him I did not want to give it as I had personal stuff on PC he got angry and said as if I want to go through your stuff and then said fine and hung up on me – I felt really bad and rang him back and gave it to him - I had cleared all the history and stuff anyway so there was nothing for him to see. He tried to make small talk but I just can’t do it at this time, I said we need to get together to have a talk he said about what I said what’s going on and he said well I am busy this weekend, I said well you ring me when you are available.
Again I was making demands and what is there really to talk about, I feel it would be just rehashing the same old thing and me wanting answers. I am not ready to talk to him at this time there is still to much hurt and anger on my part and I just get so caught up in myself feelings. I got an email off him today sending me some pictures of a friend’s new baby – he wrote
“Didn’t know if you wanted or got these – anyway”
I just replied - thanks for forwarding on.
It just feels like we have no connection what so ever and I just can’t fake it and be his friend at this time, my thoughts are to leave it all be for now and not see or have any contact with him for a couple of months until I feel stronger to deal with everything.
Is this a productive way to go, as I am worried that the more time that passes the harder it will be to reconcile.
Well today has been an emotional day. I spoke with good male friend of both of ours and I talked about how I felt I have been thrown away just like that - this friend has been thru a divorce himself so I don’t know if he is speaking from his experience or he has been talking to H. He said that these things do not just happen like that they a brewing for some time and it just takes something to push it beyond breaking point. Me telling H to get out. I can totally understand this. I was not happy in M at the time but would still love to try and give it a shot as I believe there is a lot of good still left in our R.
I had counseling session yesterday C suggested that I ring H and say you have till Dec 19 to decide whether you want to work on this or not, he believes he has had enough time to decide what he wants. I am conflicted as a lot of our problems are me making demands all the time and my need to have total control so if I say this to my H of course he will run.
Another GF said I have to be able to get closure and move on and I should give him 6 weeks to make moves towards this R or I should have a discussion with H and see what he wants to do. He moved out Sept 4.
Another MF said we should try and start up some sort of communication and build a bridge and that I have not been overly nice to H since all this happened and to give that a couple of weeks.
There has been little contact mostly emails from him about nothing of importance just business info. I have had 2 brief phone conversations. Last time we spoke I got all upset and angry see above post. I have made many changes but we have not been in real contact for him too see them.
I am just so confused about what to do, he has said in the past that lets let nature take its course and see what happens, but he has added that we will see other people and if I meet someone then I meet someone, this has all been said while he was still living at the house but treating it like a hotel so I guess there was still a lot of emotional stuff going on. So I have been given no encouragement that he even wants to try.
I just can’t wait around for ever, it will rip me apart. But I think the best thing I can do is wait for him to make contact with me and be nice and try and build that bridge, I don’t want to have to make any demands but this can’t go on forever but it does take a year in Australia to get a divorce but I won’t be able to live like this for another 11 months. I just hope him spending time living alone will help him miss me and think about the good in our R.
Only give a date ultimatum if you want to end if is he calls you on it. People on here have gone years and still gotten back together, so you need to be very patient.
GAL, press on with your life and start a direction to be on your own. He will follow, or not. Either way, you are better off.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Hi all not sure if anyone is still reading but it feels good to journal.
Well on Friday night my H was at a wake with all our mutual friends, I decided not to go. I was told from GF that later that evening OW turned up and was all over H really pushing herself onto him, I was told that he was drunk and that my GF (it was her FIL wake) went up to her and said who are you and she said I am H girlfriends of the last couple of months – my GF told her that she was very good friends with H wife (me) and that her behavior was inappropriate and asked her to leave, I was also told that some of the guys also told H that it was inappropriate and that they left. From what I have been told everyone was very shocked as some people there did not even know we had separated, so I guess now everyone knows and is talking – part of me is very hurt by this but at least now he has to face his reality of the situation and what kind of women she is. She has been the driving force all along, she is the psycho who rang H 6 times while he was living in the house before we S and told him that she would not have an affair with a married man so he pushed me into a separation and now she is pushing herself into his social scene, she has made such a fool of herself and him. I can’t see the R with OW lasting to long as she seems very controlling and pushy – 10 times worse then me. But who knows I never thought he would cheat.
I told him he needed to come over and talk – he did. I told him that I could not believe he did this to me in front of all our friends, obviously he was pretty drunk and he did not believe me at first when I told him what I was told. I also said I have had enough that lets split and sell everything, and file for D and that I do not want him near this house. He did the we were separated spiel and it is no ones business, and then turned it all back onto me about my drinking and being a bitch, I told him I was sorry for that and that that person was gone and that she would never come back ever and that things would not be that way again whether for our R or my next R. He told me he had mourned our M 6 months ago and he has been thru all the pain, and said hurts doesn’t it – quite nastily. I told him it was not all my fault you withdrew from me he said that I had shut down already – which is partially true but i did not know how to deal with things, I said we could have fixed it at the time, and he said well we are probably a year to late. Before he was saying he was unhappy for 4 years so don’t know what happened to the other 3.
I said well end it then, what do you want, again I got the I don’t know, I just need time, He also said you did not like it when I called your bluff about moving out, I told him yes that shocked me but we could not go on living like that. He is totally not the person I know as he is so nasty its like I hurt him so he has to hurt me. I said what about our finances and wills etc. he said I do not want to change his will he wants to leave it all to me – I said why would you do that he said who else am I going to leave it to. I asked him does he want me to end it is that it, he said no he just wants this separation and some time apart. I said how are we supposed to reconnect like this when you don’t contact me, he turns it all around on me and said you told me you did not want any contact till xmas. Yes I said that when he moved out and I was very upset. Again he said he does not even know if he wants to save M. It is just so frustrating.
After all that I just told him things could not go on like this and I told him I loved him and wanted to try and make our M work but he needs to be on board, and that let’s revisit this in Dec before making any decision about house and D. He agreed. I was angry with him but I was in control of my emotions. I rang him this morning and said if he needs to do his washing he can come to the house but just to let me know. – I know I am weak but I just don’t want to be a bitch.
I go through periods where I don’t want this M anymore and think how bad he is treating me and he thinks he can do what he wants and believes that I am just going to take him back anytime he wants. We don’t have kids and our finances are very goods, so maybe I should just chalk this up as experience and move on – but how do I get my heart to stop wanting him.
So now I guess I just need to really back off and try and work out what I want. I need to get out of my head so I can think and hopefully in Dec we are in a better place to talk.
But it is so hard to let go, why will he not end this, what does he want, I think maybe he just wants to see OW but keep me as backup. It seems he is not taking this seriously like he can go and have some fun then come back when he wants.
How do I get him to take this serious without me walking away or resorting to threats he knows I would never follow through with. Any advice.
