why don't I listen to my own stories?

[Trixi]

heh- Okay, I'll go with that line of thinking.

I was thinking more along the lines of "he doesn't want the place to be a shambles because *he's* moving back to the house regardless of what happens to us."

But I certainly like your view much better! While I was out showing homes yesterday there were some really gorgeous yards which made me kinda feel inspired to get some color going in our yard. Maybe I should ask if he has any interest in shopping for some plants. (Yes-this is something we would do together in the 'old days'. He likes to get plants.)

[Dom R]

sounds like a good idea!

[Trixi]

Got an offer on a listing of mine and was VERY excited so I called H to let him know. He volunteered that he still wasn't sure about the weekend.
So I asked what causing the blockage.
he told me that there might be one last 'hoorah' raft trip (read beer float) on Saturday, but it kinda looked like not very many people were interested in going; but he wasn't sure and he would call me tomorrow to let me know.
I was cool about it.
Having said that-
I wish that he would have invited me. The beer float has been a bone of contention for us; One time long ago he invited me and I declined. After he decided he was going to move out this summer, (but still lived here) he went on a beer float trip and I did tell him that I was disappointed that I didn't get to go; that I had looked forward to finally going. Granted, it was awhile ago, but still.
Oh, alright, its not the trip; it's that I am still being excluded from that part of his life. I don't know *why* (given that he kept me separate from that part of his life before) I would expect that *now* would be different, I just had hoped to see some forward movement in that department. *Especially* since his big complaint is that we don't do things with groups of friends. This would have been a GREAT opportunity. Why in the heck is it always ME that has to come up with the friends?!
Gah!!!!

I wish there was some sort of non-pressuring, non-pursuing way to bring up this subject. On the one hand, he tells me that we need to "communicate more" but I have a feeling that this wouldn't qualify as communicating...but then what the F *is* "communicating"?!?

[Dom R]

drat.

well.. when he calls.. if he tells you, "yeah, i'm going", you can always respond with... "sounds like fun. I always regret not taking you up on the invite back in [....]"

(what kind of "friends" usually go?)

PS:

I would expect that *now* would be different,

oh-oh.. there's the "expect" word.
That's the word that will bring down your PMI every time....

[Trixi]

That's a good idea about regretting not taking up the previous invite. Now I gotta try to remember when that was. It was a LONG time ago.

As to what kind of friends go--one guy I know for sure has been in a long term relationship for a long time and I believe that his girlfriend goes because once she finally met me she mentioned the beer floats and how "weird" it was that she hadn;t met me yet (thanks H). As far as the rest of them--I have no flippin' idea. These are the people he hangs with while he is acting like a single married guy. He's never bridged the gap for me.

I feel like we are just starting to do more of the same of what we did in the past and that aint gonna fly with me.

[Dom R]

just remember, that APPROACHING it like you did in the past, "aint gonna fly" either!

[my3sons]

Tell me, when was the last time your H didn't get EXACTLY what he wanted from you?

I don't mean vague generalities (more married friends), but specifically at a given moment.

You really need to stop asking him about whether he's coming over. And he REALLY needs to come over unannounced some time and find you gone.

[Trixi]

I have no idea when the last time was that he didn't get exactly what he wanted from me....I guess when I left to go show homes a couple of weekends ago. Sometimes I take calls when he doesn't want me to.....um......errrrr......*sigh*

So far he hasn't ever come over totally unannounced. Early,yes, but never unannounced. I wouldn't expect him to, either. But, who knows, I guess it could happen.

I was driving home and basically thinking that it was ridiculous that I was waiting to see if I was going to be graced with his highness' presence and I had decided that if he didn't call by 5:30 (near the end of his work day) I was going to make plans. He called at 4:30 and said that he wasn't going to be going, so he was free tonight and tomorrow and did I 'want to go to a movie or something?' He just made it under the wire.

[NikB]

Agent99 - sounds sooo familiar.

I'm glad he's not coming over unannounced - and if he does I think you should call him on it. It's your private life now, he owes you at least the courtesy of calling first. Unless he'd want you showing up unannounced at his place. Doesn't seem like where you are at, though.

I was driving home and basically thinking that it was ridiculous that I was waiting to see if I was going to be graced with his highness' presence

GOOD!!! You really need to get this drummed into your head. I know it's hard, and I even remember that moment when I 'got' this too. Takes longer to begin to act on it, though.

He KNOWS you are sitting there waiting for his presence. Probably enjoying the ego boost / power trip, too. He's got control over your life in this way.

and I had decided that if he didn't call by 5:30 (near the end of his work day) I was going to make plans. He called at 4:30 and said that he wasn't going to be going, so he was free tonight and tomorrow and did I 'want to go to a movie or something?' He just made it under the wire.

Suggestion for you - keep backing up this time line. 5:30 the same day is ridiculously short notice (as is 4:30). You're holding your entire weekend open "just in case" until the very last possible minute. He knows this... and ultimately it's going to cause you some resentment, too. Trust me. You'll start getting annoyed that he hasn't called to plan anything yet to "let" you plan something if you want to. It's hard to explain but it's a lot of pressure and expectations on him, and a loss of self-respect and self-worth for you. I hope that makes some sense.

I'd actually suggest backing up that time line by at LEAST a day, if not two or three. If that's too much... start with noon on Friday.. work your way up to Weds or Thurs. It's up to you if you tell him you're doing this or not, but I'd lean towards not telling him. Show him through action (not being available every moment in case he decides to grace you with his presence). I'm not saying play games - I'm saying TRULY get out and Get A Life!!! (hint, sitting around waiting for someone to decide at the last minute if you're worthy of their time is NOT a life). The reason I'd suggest not telling him a specific "deadline" is that it still gives him control over you. By not making it specific, YOU decide each day or week what your personal deadline is. And sometimes you might (and should) even plan stuff weeks or months away - so in those cases the "noon on Wednesday deadline" wouldn't apply.

Please stop putting your life on hold Agent99 - it's not attractive to him and it's not respectful at all to yourself. Trust me - been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and just got myself another one recently. (new goal: don't end up with an entire closet full of these damn shirts!)

I'm not sure if you follow Heimlich's thread in newcomers but it's worth reading the "puppy" analogy someone recently posted there.

[NikB]

Incidentally.. this doesn't mean you always reject last minute invites. It just means you make plans for yourself, have a life, and be busy living it. It means you won't be available EVERY time he calls you for a last minute invite, which sends a really bad message. Sometimes when you really ARE free it's fine - just stop making sure you're always free.

Hope that makes sense.