It does make me feel better to know that he is as confused as I am. I just hope he figures it out soon but I know there is no time limit.
So I have a new dilemna today. I am going to post this on the newcomers board as well but here goes.
So we do the swap this morning and he is his usual cool morning self which I let go but he appears to be more angry this morning than normal. He tells our S that they are going to do something fun and different today. I asked "what" and he may have not heard me but he did not answer. I am wondering if he is mad at me for going away this weekend and not answering his calls. Could my LRT be backfiring in my face? What do you think this means? I mean I will find out when we do the swap tonight what they did today but why the secret. Is this a positive sign?
Ok well I am struggling again so I need some words of encouragement. I am not sure if my 180 and LRT is working. Ever since our talk that fateful Sunday I have seen less of him then ever. I used to see him every day or else he would be over our house during the day and there would be signs that he was here but there have been none in over a week. I am at loss and I miss him so much. Not just as my H but as my best friend.
I found out where he went yesterday with our S. He took him to Chuck E Cheeses with an ex of his who has a little girl about our S's age. She is terminally ill and is taking some experimental non FDA approved drugs right now that make her feel well enough but I guess they are not fixing what she has really. Anyway I just do not know how to take any of this. I figure he is spending his time with her and I am not sure how I feel about this. Yesterday when we did the swap in the afternoon he told me all about everything so I am not thinking it is anything more than friendship but I am just wish we were spending more time together.
He did stay about an hour yesterday after I got home and I did catch him looking at me a couple of times and I swear when he left he said Bye Hon but I am not sure since our S was talking and the TV was on. He does not look very happy but that could just be his being tired since he works 3rd shift. I was very nice yesterday and treated him like I would my best friend as he is. I am just sad that I have lost him it feels like in this way. Our friends D is turning 4 on Saturday and they are having a birthday party for her so I asked him if he wanted to go. He said he was unsure then he said probably not so I said well think about it and tell me on Thursday. Which he said "OK" to.
I think I am just feeling very down today and missing him a lot. Any words of encouragement or thoughts on my sitch. This has been the toughest 4 weeks of my life. He seems to be pulling away more now then before. I am hoping that he comes over this weekend but I am not counting on it.
I'm not really in the same boat so I can't truly relate like I've been exactly there. However, I know that I have a HUGE tendancy to blow MINOR things WAY out of proportion. Like I didn't talk to W for a couple of days and even though last time we talked things went well, and even though I knew this was a busy week for her, I still had to have a friend talk me down from my mental ledge last night. This morning, I got an e-mail from her in which she apologized for the lack of contact and called me "honey", something that hasn't happened in 6 weeks, proving yet again that time and paitience are my friends. Do I know this: yes. Do I still lose my mind regularly: yes.
I say all that as a way of suggesting that maybe you need to give it a little more time. If you just started the 180 a week or two ago, you might need to "let it ride" a while longer to see what the true effect will be. Time and paitience are your friends. His pulling back might be his way of trying to regain control of you, seeing if you'll chase him. If you stay your course and are pleasant about it, he won't know how to deal with that and will have to come back to you. Only you know for sure but it sounds to me like what you're doing is working, it just needs a little more time. I know you miss him and there I can fully empathize with your sitch. Think of this as growing pains, when you come out the other side, you'll be emotionally taller and stronger you just gotta hang on till you get there. I'm pulling for you.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
HI Bryan Thank you for your support. I am just finding all of this so hard. I am not sure what to do or anything. I keep telling myself to be patient and breathe (like I post to everyone else) however I have a hard time following my own advise. My MC said that it would take 6-8 weeks for him to miss me and not to expect to much before that time. And at that time he is just going to start processing everything that is going on and even then it could be a lot longer.
I think you are correct about him pulling back. He has told me before that he feels as if everything he has is because of me and he has given up and starting with nothing. He wants to get things for himself. This really upset me but I also know that a friend of his put this in his head a couple of months ago since he told me at the time and since he has mentioned it again I think it has been eating away at him all this time. It took me a while to figure this out so I just keep reinforcing how without him I will not have the house etc either so he can see that I do need him and not like this friend said.
I was also upset last night because our S told me that Daddy said he was getting a new house and he could go visit him there. Then he asked me if I was going with him. He is only 3 1/2 so he does not know what he is asking but it really hit me hard that he has mentioned a new house to our S. However he has told me he was looking at houses in the area so I knew this but hearing it come from our S it crushed me. Also how long can I expect him to live in the woods in a camper with no water etc when this is NH and it is starting to get very cold out. I guess I was just hoping on him coming home by that time.
So I am hanging in there and going to be very positive tonight when we do the swap of our S. At least we have this time and he seems to be extending it which if I was him I do not think I would do since he has not slept all day and needs to be in to work for 11 pm. So no matter what I take that as a good sign that he is spending those couple of minutes with me and our S. Not sure if it is to extend his time with S but I am there so I am using them to my advantage.
I am just having a hard time keeping all these positive thoughts when it is so easy to go over to the dark side if you know what I mean. (Sorry I am a Star Wars geek at heart)
Lissie - just wanted you to know I was still checking in and watching out for your updates. As you know I am where you are in a big way - all I can say is that I go from peaks to troughs throughout every day, each night is a living nightmare, and just when I think I have got her out of my system, something reminds me of her again. But we need to be rationale even though it is really emotional - and recognise that whatever path we follow, its the one that you need to believe in, its one that may or may not work (no guarantees either way), and you will come out the other side, as a stronger better person. Just keep remembering that - the pain and the hurt will heal. Take care
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
Thanx for your kind words Psch. I just replied to you thread with some advice for this weekend for you.
Well we did the swap last night and I think it went well. I was very much the LRT and 180 last night and I had plans for me and my S so we left before he did. However he mentioned nothing about this weekend. He did say he was not going to go to the birthday party with us but I think that is because more and more people are starting to find out that we are S so he does not want to face that just left. From what I hear he is not talking to anyone really about it that I know of and he is keeping to himself except for that ex which I am really not sure how often he sees her really. That could be very casual as well. I am hoping so.
Anyway so now I am stressing about this weekend and what I should do. We really do not have any plans except the birthday party so we will probably be at home. I do know that he brought his Jeep home last night and said he needed to work on it but he was not doing it today because my Mom had to go to my house to get stuff for my S and it has not moved. So I am confused as to why he is waiting. I am thinking he is going to do it this weekend but he knows I am going to be there as well. Could this be a good sign or am I reading too much into it. We have not seen each other really in over 2 weeks. It feels so strange. I did touch him casually a couple of times yesterday and he did not pull away or anything. Also I was changing and our S came in and he was in the hall. Well our S left the door open and I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was watching me.
So do you think these could be good signs or am I just getting myself all worked up to be let down again. I keep doing that but I can not help it. Any thoughts on how I should handle this weekend. I plan on just going with the flow and being very upbeat and have as much fun as I can.
Also I am wondering if my H is staying away doesn't that make him more detached and harder for him to come back. And won't I naturally start to detach as well. How does that all work? I would think that by being apart we are just making it easier to S for good. Of is it that absence makes the heart grow fonder is really true.
Well, the one thing I can say it is stop wondering about what is going on his mind in regards to plans or why he may choose to be around you or not. It will drive you crazy.
The best I can suggest is to make your plans that you want and do them. If he happens to be around, so be it and work with that and if not, continue forward with your plans.
Well, the one thing I can say it is stop wondering about what is going on his mind in regards to plans or why he may choose to be around you or not. It will drive you crazy.
The best I can suggest is to make your plans that you want and do them. If he happens to be around, so be it and work with that and if not, continue forward with your plans.
Oh, I so second the advice given by trip above. Very solid and true words you need to live by. We all need to live by them.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
HI All Well here is an update. Not a peep out of him this whole weekend. He was at the house on Friday, did his laundry, took a shower and played on the computer but other than that nothing and it was when I was not home. I had thought that since I went away last weekend with our S he would want to see him this weekend but nothing and he never mentioned anything on Thursday when we did our S swap either.
I have no idea why I can not stop trying to figure him out. I just can not do it. There must be something wrong with me. He dropped his Jeep back off home on Thursday and said he had to work on it and has not. So why bring it back home if you are not going to work on it in the next day or so. Why not just bring it when you are going to work on it and then leave with it? I am driving myself crazy doing this but I can not stop.
Any advice on how to stop. It is really just making me sick. I do not know what to do. HELP???
So he showed up at 7 pm on Sunday night. I was a disaster. We had a jammie day and I did not feel well so I looked like death warmed over which is funny considering during the day I was doing some research and found an article about how you should make yourself look good to get your spouse interested in your again if you are at the friends stage. Sort of make yourself appealing like you did in the beginning of the relationship before they saw you with no makeup etc. So that was my new plan and then he shows up and I am a mess. Not today though I am dressed to kill and all done up so hopefully from here on out I can do that.
Ok back to the update. He stayed for about an hour to play with our S and then he left. He actually said bye to me when he left so that was nice for a change and while they were playing he kept looking at me. I think he is waiting for me to start questioning him and pushing again and he is confused that I am not.
So today we did the swap of our S and he was so nice to me. I could not believe it and he actually said bye to me again after the drop. He has not done that since this whole thing started so another good sign I hope. I just did the swap and moved on my way. He has also called me three times at work. Once to tell me the dog ran off (left a message) again to tell me the dog came back (left message). Not really sure why he called since he has lost the dog before and never called me. Then he called one last time to tell me something that our contractor said about the addition we are having built. They needed a decision on a door so that was a legitimate call but then he kept talking about the dog running away etc. It was so weird. It was like I was talking to the old H again. I could not believe it. I actually took the phone away from my ear and looked at it I was so shocked. Then when we hung up he said see you when you get home just like he would before.
I am trying not to get my hopes up too much but it is hard. I know I may not be any better off than before but this contact has been nice and I saw my MC yesterday and she said it sounds like he has come to the point where he is missing the family environment and just not really sure where to fit me into everything. She says he is still confused but that everything he is doing is a good sign whether I see it that way or not. I am still confused but I figure she is the expect and knows these things better than I. I asked her if she would tell me if they were bad signs and she said she would so that we could work on that so I think she is not just leading me on but I do not see the good in most of what he has done. I feel as if he has pulled away more but she says that is not that case.
So any ideas?
BTW I have gotten lots of complements today on how I look so it is making me feel so good about myself so I am going to keep doing this for me as well and if he notices it is just an added benefit.
