I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[theotherhalf]

Sounds pretty pathetic huh? Well that is how I am feeling.

I really do not know what to do at this point. I don't know what I am doing anymore either. I'm so discouraged, lost, lonely, depressed, afraid, GOD!! This sucks soooo bad.

Here's my stich:
M21 T23 M40 H41 D16 N13
Bomb 4/07 H out of house 4/07 Moved to own place 8/07

I don't know if people would say we had a good marriage but I felt we did for the most part. We were each others best's friends. He once said "we are partners in life". My H was a good H and father. Not a lovey dovey but said ILY everyday. A very proud man. Not one to show his feelings or to talk to me about them. Drank a little too much but not problem. Can really be an ass when drunk but has lessened ALOT over the years. A workaholic in a sense. He was the production manager in a big factory. And we farm 200 acres with 50 cows.We hardly fight, sure we have disagreements but fights, rarely. I said all the time in recent years, I actually even like him now and he said the same as me. (As we've had a pretty hard life together). We both have worked very hard to get where we are today. Started with nothing at 17. Now have a new home on his family farm, and not alot of extra debt.

The only infedelity in our M was 16 years ago when H father died. It was a 2 night stand with a woman he worked with. We seperated for 2 weeks. H came home we worked it out and it was in the past. Talked of it only on rare occasion and it was okay. Since then the marriage seemed to only improve over the years. Then 5 years ago we took in H niece to live with us to keep her out of foster care. A year later we adopted her. It has been hell pretty much ever since. We have had to fight every inch of the way with this girl and have not seen much improvement from her. H job got increasingly more and more stressful. Always in fear that it is going to close. H seemed to go inside himself. Working more and more hours. On occasion I can look back and see him reaching out to me, to try and bring us closer. I didn't realize anything was really wrong with "us" and I didn't pay attention. "Our" time was less and less, sex was less and less. I kept asking him what was wrong, he'd say nothing or that it's just work or he was just tired.

Then out of the blue in April he dropped the bomb.
I was in total shock and disbelief. I imediately asked if there was someone else. He said no. Found out end of May that there was (heard him on phone with her) only H completely denied it. Still is denying. It's the same Ow from 16 years ago. What a kick in the gut. She had just gotten out of a R with a man that left his wife and 2 girls for her. They were engaged, he put her in debt then left her.

In the beginning I did ALL the wrong things, begged, cried, pleaded, reasoned, called him over,over,again, called OW over and over,chased, snooped, etc...

Awhile after H moved out I stopped all the above. I tried putting my life back together at least half of it. I've been taking better care of myself and my girls. I am going out and enjoying myself. Keeping the house better. Joined a gym, started reading, going to work everyday. On the outside I'd say I am doing pretty good. Inside, well I am completely miserable.

I have stopped initiating any and all contact with H. The only time we talk is when he comes here. (To do farm stuff). I try to keep it minimal. Don't talk about R stuff. Or D stuff. I try to keep my head up and seem happy when he is around. Chipper in away.

3 weeks ago I went out. H was here before I left. Knew that he wanted to know where I was going right away. He didn't ask I didn't tell. As night wore on he called my phone 8-10 times. I answered first 4 calls then stopped answering. Ended up coming here, breaking window and stuff that night. Next day he apologized. We both decided it was drunkeness and cuz he couldn't swallow his own medicine. Then nothing from him.

Last Friday night H showed up here out of blue in evening. He initiated some stuff to do around here and we did. He ended up coming into house watching TV. We just hung out. B4 night was over though I couldn't contain my wanting him. So I asked him to stay. He said no. Later I asked are you sure. No. Then later I asked again. He said you know it doesn't mean anything. I said ya. He spent the night. Nothing glorious. Wanted it to be but seemed awkward and I needed him to show me some desire for me and it really wasn't there so didn't ask for seconds. He left in am.

Again I heard nothing of him since. Girls had VB games Wed. H was there. We said Hi in passing but H looked at me as if he hates me. Completely avoided me the rest of the night.

He was here last night for a minute and again today. Doesn't look at me, no talk, and he looks so angry at me.

I am getting so discouraged. What am I to do? I am trying to do the 180 stuff, the detaching stuff. But I really don't know if it is working. I don't know that it will work with my H.

I think some of our biggest problems in our M was the alienation he felt from me. I was to into the girls's stuff. I ignored him. And I know that I shouldn't be having sex with him now but. I've changed. Some maybe from losing him,some from losing 50 lbs and feeling better about myself. I don't know, wonder if maybe I am going through a change as well. I have a total diff feeling of sex. I want it, I want it, I want it. And I want H more and more. The lack of sex in our M makes me wonder if maybe I should be showing H the changes in me. Could it help? I know that my H would be really excited about these changes in me if things were different.

I know that I shouldn't be thinking so much of what H is doing or thinking. But I cannot help it. I love this man so very very much. I am so afraid that doing some of the very things that may have contributed to the fall of our M will close the deal. Will push my H to the D. I tried to convice myself to "believe" in us, "believe" in our love for each other. That we will somehow make it through this better in the future.

But today I really feel as though I am fooling myself. That he really doesn't love me anymore. That even though he says he's not seeing anyone now, that I have been replaced. That he is right and it is too late. Then come harvest when the crops are sold, the calves are sold. That he'll have the money and will file for the D. No stopping him. That his brothers, sister, Mom, and close friends are all going to be wrong. That H is not going to come back in the end.

As you can see, I really am a mess. And I really need some help...

[forever21]

Hi theotherhalf,

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. It can and will get better.

I skimmed through some of your other posts, and I didn't find any saying that you do have the book Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting. It will be so helpful. I suggest you pick up a copy if you haven't already. I like DR myself. Also, try to just post in one place, on one thread... that may help with responses.

No, it doesn't sound pathetic. So, stop with that. Be kind to yourself, okay? That is your new job. Taking care of #1. Love yourself... keeping in mind love is an action, not just a feeling. Don't require so much of yourself in order to feel good.

This is going to be hard work, but if you do it the results will be so very rewarding. You can learn to accept things for what they are. And to take action on those things you do have some control over. The sooner you get this, the better off you will be. In DR, Michele teaches us how to set goals after getting clear about what exactly we want. This is very important, because your life feels out of control right now. You deserve to have a sense of direction, and know that you have choices... including some control in your life, and some influence on your sitch.

Awhile after H moved out I stopped all the above. I tried putting my life back together at least half of it. I've been taking better care of myself and my girls. I am going out and enjoying myself. Keeping the house better. Joined a gym, started reading, going to work everyday.

GOOD for you!!!!

You really do have control over how you feel inside. Maybe you just need to start allowing yourself to feel good. It takes practice to learn. A PMA (positive mental attitude) will be yours for the taking though, if you work at it. It's challenging while you're living through this. Make sure you are eating well to feed your brain. Work on building yourself back up. These sitches really take a hit on the self esteem. Be proud of yourself for what you are doing here. This is tough stuff.

You're doing a good job, with acting as if you are happy around your H and not bringing up R talk. And you're right, what works for some isn't what works for others. Maybe your H could use some attention from you, but the key is to not be trying too hard or smothering him. I would suggest not doing a whole lot for him right now, but just treating him as you would a friend. It's usually not a good idea to be more into them than they are you. Be confident with yourself, and give him little bits of positive attention. Don't be going way out of your way. Keep working on detachment... learning what it really is to be lovingly detached. Here's a link for you if you haven't came across it somewhere already...
coping.org's detachment

I hate to bring this up, but if you are going to have sex with him I really hope you are protecting yourself. That is your uterus. Respect yourself, no matter what you choose to do.

Put yourself first. Your feelings matter. And be honest with yourself. Why do YOU think you are feeling like you are fooling yourself? I bet you have some of your own answers, and you can change that. You can change how you feel.

Hugs and love, f21

Hang in there. From a fellow farm girl turned city dweller.

[imLIN]

TOH...

I can relate to your story...H and I had a similar thing happen...but there was an OW...I didn't think that in the beginning and he denied it all the way...after I found out he told me he was ready to marry her!!!

I can say it sounds like MLC...I know that is what my H went through...he moved away from me and the kids and didn't contact hardly at all...he was gone for almost 2 years...didn't love me...but eventually with my DB'ing and GAL...he moved back to town to be "closer to son"...we started talking...he still didn't love me...but he was willing to try...I took a leap of faith and so far so good...he is home...has been for about a year and a half...it has been hard but about 6 months ago he was finally able to say "I love you"....

Hang in there...your doing good...the emotions are normal...just keep telling yourself you will be okay...believe in your love...it just might bring him back...my H said he finally realized that I did love him...unconditionally...not for what he provided me in years past...I gave him support when he gave me none...

take care....Lin

[notgivnup]

hi TOH,
You are not pathetic, although I understand feeling it sometimes. I definitely agree with 21, the books are very helpful. Also look at posts here for 180's and LRT (last resort technique). Also if you can swing it a session with a DB coach will help you focus on the short term goal of establishing communication with him where he does not feel threatened or pursued by you.

In the beginning I did ALL the wrong things, begged, cried, pleaded, reasoned, called him over,over,again, called OW over and over,chased, snooped, etc...

Know this...you can recover from this. You must continue DB'ing and do it til, well, the cows come home

Last Friday night H showed up here out of blue in evening. He initiated some stuff to do around here and we did. He ended up coming into house watching TV. We just hung out.

I am thinking if he comes over out of the blue, you'll want to be mostly unavailable to him. He chose to leave and you must appear as if you are having a life without him. Hanging with him is okay, but not so much that he feels he can come whenever he feels like it and you'll just be there waiting for him.

So I asked him to stay. He said no. Later I asked are you sure. No. Then later I asked again.

Don't think this is harsh, but by asking him the second time, you are basically telling him that you don't respect his answer. At this time, he doesn't seem interested to do this so why pressure him. It could be confirming in his mind why he left in the first place.

We said Hi in passing but H looked at me as if he hates me. Completely avoided me the rest of the night

While it feels like he hates you, perhaps he just hates himself for what is going on. You can't know and would probably do better for your emotional health and goal to reconcile your marriage to not try to mind read or interpret his actions. Can you let him be and just work on you and DB?

But today I really feel as though I am fooling myself. That he really doesn't love me anymore. That even though he says he's not seeing anyone now, that I have been replaced. That he is right and it is too late.

You are not fooling yourself by what YOU feel...that you love him and want to save your marriage. That is what you must focus on. It is NEVER too late. Michele says, never, ever give up. If you really want to reconcile it will take everything you've got and then some. It is really hard. But others have done it. I am in the middle of trying to save my marriage too. And when I feel down, or defeated or like "what am I kidding my self that this can be done?" I come here and vent and discuss with others who are in the same boat or who have made it work.

I tried to convince myself to "believe" in us, "believe" in our love for each other. That we will somehow make it through this better in the future.

This is a very good thing. This is what it will take to get you through. Believe in it. Focus on it. Visualize it. You are not a fool to try to save your marriage and your love. Look at all of us here who are trying to do it. If that is what you want it's a great thing that you found this BB and spend so much time here.


Don't give up until you are ready to give up. And know and be prepared that you will feel different from one day to the next, from one moment to the next. It is the biggest roller coaster you will ever ride.

H still denies OW

Forget about the other woman. The more you focus there the more crazy you will make yourself. This isn't about her. It's about your marriage. He just seeks refuge there because he doesn't have the pressures of life and marriage with her. Your job is to make yourself so attractive, from an emotional and relationship standpoint that he eventually will stop to think about what he is doing. But you must do this without flaunting it in front of him. DR will help you know how to do that.

I hope this helps. I know you feel a mess. Try to take a step back and breathe for a bit. Refocus on your short term goal. This is a marathon not a sprint. It will take time and therefore energy and perseverance on your part. I know you can do it if you just break it down into manageable tasks.

Okay, well I guess my post is the long one now.
Good luck and hang in there.

[theotherhalf]

Thanks 21 and yes I got DR this last week. I read it right away. It just confirms all that I've learned by reading on these web sights. I am really trying to work on all that it tells you to do. I just don't know if it what I am doing will work for my H.

Put yourself first. Your feelings matter. And be honest with yourself. Why do YOU think you are feeling like you are fooling yourself? I bet you have some of your own answers, and you can change that. You can change how you feel.

I feel like I might be fooling myself into believing that my H could still love me or that he can think of 1 reason why he would ever want to R with me. I fear that I might be fooling myself thinking that this man will ever be able to say "I'm sorry, I screwed up" and come home.

From farm girl turned city dweller

I really don't know if I want to stay on this farm alone. But yet I really do not want to move to town. I am so confused on this issue.

I gave him support when he gave me none...

I've wondered about this. This man is my best friend, I really want to support him through this terrible ordeal. I feel the pain he is in by just looking at him and listening to his voice. Although I am so angry and hurt for all that he has done and doing I still feel so sorry for him. How do you support them lovingly while detaching from them?

About being unavailabel most of the time. And showing him that I am having a life without him.

I think that I am doing this. It's just that I am naturally a home body. I don't have any single friends to hang out with. I don't want to leave the girls home all the time. And really not much to do alone around here. So I am home alot.

Don't think this is harsh, but by asking him the second time, you are basically telling him that you don't respect his answer. At this time, he doesn't seem interested to do this so why pressure him. It could be confirming in his mind why he left in the first place.

Yes I know that you are right about this. I have kicked myself for this a hundred times. It was just a night of letting my emotions and wants get the best of my common sense.

While it feels like he hates you, perhaps he just hates himself for what is going on. You can't know and would probably do better for your emotional health and goal to reconcile your marriage to not try to mind read or interpret his actions. Can you let him be and just work on you and DB?

Very, very hard to do...

Forget about the other woman. The more you focus there the more crazy you will make yourself. This isn't about her.

True but also so very, very hard to do...

Your job is to make yourself so attractive, from an emotional and relationship standpoint that he eventually will stop to think about what he is doing.

I have read this but I really don't know how to go about doing this.

Thanks for the insight

Time will tell...

[theotherhalf]

Okay, I am so confused. I know that I need to stop analyzing everthing that H is doing or saying. But it is soooo damb hard not too.

I think that I am letting H pull me into his confused mind. I am really trying to fight that but that is hard too.

I went out last night with SIL. H was at her house with BIL. H called me.

H: what are you doing?
M: standing here
H: where you at?
M: at the "O"
H: well BIL said to call you and tell you to just come up here
M: well isn't SIL coming down here?
H: I thought she changed her mind because it rained?
(we were going to a street dance)
M: no I just talked to her and she said she was coming
H: oh, well why don't you just come up here?
M: I don't know we'll see
H: well, okay talk to you later
etc...

SIL did come to dance. 15 min later H drives by. Looking straight ahead and very pissed. He called D 2 times sounding mad and questioning her at what time she was to be home and junk that didn't make much sense.

It's like one moment he's madder than hell at me, hates me, is sure that it's over. Then there are tiny glimpses of maybe not...

I really hate all that is right now...

And I really miss my H.

[notgivnup]

Hi TOH,
I know how hard it is to stay focused. It sounds like you are being bounced around alot. Can you try to stay focused on your goals? Have you identified them with DR?

It's like you are playing his game. You want to change the playing field all together. I can't tell what the tone was in this exchange, but, be honest, were you in a friendly, care-free, GAL tone or something that could be construed as negative?

It's hard to say why he is mad, but it sounds to me like you are drawing him in and he is responding to that in a positive way but then you seem to be toying with him because you have some power. Again, I don't know for sure. Just my interpretation.

My recommendation, and I'm not an expert here, is to get a session with a DB coach ASAP. It is definitely worth the money. They can help you identify your goals and what to specifically do and not do to reach those goals with H and R.

You were right in the beginning of your post. Don't analyze him. You can't know what he is thinking or what his motives are for what he is doing. You'll make yourself crazy(ier?).

Sometimes when I feel that way, I'll read a chapter of DR or find an article or success story here. It really helps. You have friends here to help and support you.

Hope you have a better day.

[forever21]

Hi toh...

Thanks 21 and yes I got DR this last week. I read it right away. It just confirms all that I've learned by reading on these web sights. I am really trying to work on all that it tells you to do. I just don't know if it what I am doing will work for my H.

Good. Read it again then. I still haven't read it enough times myself. Going by the book can help YOU try out what is best for YOUR sitch. You know it better than anyone else, and there is no one size fits all. You will learn to observe and find what is working and what isn't. Give things time.

I feel like I might be fooling myself into believing that my H could still love me or that he can think of 1 reason why he would ever want to R with me. I fear that I might be fooling myself thinking that this man will ever be able to say "I'm sorry, I screwed up" and come home.

Okay. Sounds to me like you are hanging on to the past. Totally normal. He likely isn't sure whether he loves you or not. So, I'd suggest you try to accept that he might not be thinking he loves you. That's okay. That can change. Feelings change. Try to be okay without his love right now... learn to live without it. Love is really an action anyway, so take this opportunity to learn to love yourself like you have never before. I know this is hard. And painful. You are going to become stronger through this though, and be so thankful for all of it.

I really don't know if I want to stay on this farm alone. But yet I really do not want to move to town. I am so confused on this issue.

What do you think you do want? Is there something besides those two options that you might prefer? Try something on for size here. There's no cost to dream. Take your time. Is there really any rush?

How do you support them lovingly while detaching from them?

You care about them, but you do not care for them. Refer to the website I posted the link for, on detaching and "letting go".

I think that I am doing this. It's just that I am naturally a home body. I don't have any single friends to hang out with. I don't want to leave the girls home all the time. And really not much to do alone around here. So I am home alot.

You can be creative with GAL. It's gonna take some effort on your part. It may take some pushing and motivating from some of us, here.... but you can find new things to do and you don't have to leave your girls home "all the time". Also, let your H be responsible some of the time. Is there anything you have wanted to do for a long time and just haven't done yet? An art class? Dancing? Book club? Volunteering? There are a lot of good ideas on this board for GALing.

Yes, it's hard at first to stop focusing on your H, or your M, or even the OW.... but it is what works. We will focus on whatever we are thinking about most. So... instead of trying to stop focusing on those things, start focusing on what you WANT to be doing... and that is... focusing on YOU. Because that is what you can control. You, you, you. What are YOUR goals?

Quote:
Your job is to make yourself so attractive, from an emotional and relationship standpoint that he eventually will stop to think about what he is doing.


I have read this but I really don't know how to go about doing this.

Here's another one of your response's to one of ngu's great points. Be patient with yourself. This stuff takes time. The information is here. You have read it, and you are starting to get it, but you aren't sold that it might work in your case. The only way you will know is by putting some things into action, and trying them out. I bet there are many things on your farm that a visitor could watch you doing first-hand and still say "I don't know how to go about doing that", but you know full well they could if they took the first step. It is just totally new to you. Baby steps.

Are there any ways that you have changed over the years that you miss about yourself? This might give you some ideas for goals for yourself.

Take care. Hugs, love, and peace. f21

[theotherhalf]

It's like you are playing his game. You want to change the playing field all together. I can't tell what the tone was in this exchange, but, be honest, were you in a friendly, care-free, GAL tone or something that could be construed as negative?

It's hard to say why he is mad, but it sounds to me like you are drawing him in and he is responding to that in a positive way but then you seem to be toying with him because you have some power. Again, I don't know for sure. Just my interpretation.

The tone on this was pretty blah. I was nice, not rude, but not really caring either. I really didn't not go there to play the game. I guess I mainly didn't for one because I really wanted to stay and listen to the music, two because I guess I'm trying to set a boundary. He needs to make up his mind. He can't just get drunk and call and expect me to come running. Then the rest of the week he doesn't call, or come see me. Don't think so!!

But by not going I have really had a few rough days since. Too many what if's going through my head. Too much analyzing his motives for calling, his thoughts when I didn't show up, now what's he going to do. I know that I need to stop this but it is sooooo much easier said than done.

It is hard to say why he is acting so angry towards me. And any guesses are just that, guesses. But in my heart and soul I am praying that it is because he is starting to "see" again and he sees the mess he has created this summer. And all he feels now is guilt.

[suzanne s]

Theotherhalf- You are not pathetic, I agree with the others, but I have to admit, I also understand how you feel. Similar sitch with me and H. I often feel like, what am I doing?? Why try anymore. Then I think of how important my M is to me and how important my kids are to me and if nothing else i think- HELL if I am going to change the type of person I am and just give up on something I believe in. And this is WITH my H filing for D. I want to be the one who can honestly lok at my kids down the road and KNOW I have tryed everything. That INCLUDES trying and I think doing a successful job of things for me that show him......DUDE you are making a terrible mistake! I think you are doing a good job on that too. CONGRATS on the 50lb. weight loss. It should make you feel extraordinary that you were able to do something so difficult with all this crap going on. I too have lost weight (80 lbs) and I think my H is irritated. Well, if he wants to walk away I can not control that, but I will make it difficult for him to do so. You hang in there!!