I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[notgivnup]

hi TOH,
You are not pathetic, although I understand feeling it sometimes. I definitely agree with 21, the books are very helpful. Also look at posts here for 180's and LRT (last resort technique). Also if you can swing it a session with a DB coach will help you focus on the short term goal of establishing communication with him where he does not feel threatened or pursued by you.

In the beginning I did ALL the wrong things, begged, cried, pleaded, reasoned, called him over,over,again, called OW over and over,chased, snooped, etc...

Know this...you can recover from this. You must continue DB'ing and do it til, well, the cows come home

Last Friday night H showed up here out of blue in evening. He initiated some stuff to do around here and we did. He ended up coming into house watching TV. We just hung out.

I am thinking if he comes over out of the blue, you'll want to be mostly unavailable to him. He chose to leave and you must appear as if you are having a life without him. Hanging with him is okay, but not so much that he feels he can come whenever he feels like it and you'll just be there waiting for him.

So I asked him to stay. He said no. Later I asked are you sure. No. Then later I asked again.

Don't think this is harsh, but by asking him the second time, you are basically telling him that you don't respect his answer. At this time, he doesn't seem interested to do this so why pressure him. It could be confirming in his mind why he left in the first place.

We said Hi in passing but H looked at me as if he hates me. Completely avoided me the rest of the night

While it feels like he hates you, perhaps he just hates himself for what is going on. You can't know and would probably do better for your emotional health and goal to reconcile your marriage to not try to mind read or interpret his actions. Can you let him be and just work on you and DB?

But today I really feel as though I am fooling myself. That he really doesn't love me anymore. That even though he says he's not seeing anyone now, that I have been replaced. That he is right and it is too late.

You are not fooling yourself by what YOU feel...that you love him and want to save your marriage. That is what you must focus on. It is NEVER too late. Michele says, never, ever give up. If you really want to reconcile it will take everything you've got and then some. It is really hard. But others have done it. I am in the middle of trying to save my marriage too. And when I feel down, or defeated or like "what am I kidding my self that this can be done?" I come here and vent and discuss with others who are in the same boat or who have made it work.

I tried to convince myself to "believe" in us, "believe" in our love for each other. That we will somehow make it through this better in the future.

This is a very good thing. This is what it will take to get you through. Believe in it. Focus on it. Visualize it. You are not a fool to try to save your marriage and your love. Look at all of us here who are trying to do it. If that is what you want it's a great thing that you found this BB and spend so much time here.


Don't give up until you are ready to give up. And know and be prepared that you will feel different from one day to the next, from one moment to the next. It is the biggest roller coaster you will ever ride.

H still denies OW

Forget about the other woman. The more you focus there the more crazy you will make yourself. This isn't about her. It's about your marriage. He just seeks refuge there because he doesn't have the pressures of life and marriage with her. Your job is to make yourself so attractive, from an emotional and relationship standpoint that he eventually will stop to think about what he is doing. But you must do this without flaunting it in front of him. DR will help you know how to do that.

I hope this helps. I know you feel a mess. Try to take a step back and breathe for a bit. Refocus on your short term goal. This is a marathon not a sprint. It will take time and therefore energy and perseverance on your part. I know you can do it if you just break it down into manageable tasks.

Okay, well I guess my post is the long one now.
Good luck and hang in there.