Just need to vent. I'm worn out today. Not because of my H but because of me. I just can't figure out how to get out (and stay out) of this M funk. Most days I seem to be cruising along just fine and then other days I'm literally thinking of throwing in the towel. This is not good. I keep questioning whether my "happy states" are just a bunch of BS to cover up my pain. That the way I REALLY feel is unattractive, unsexy, unpassionate, bored, resentful, etc. WTF? My H is still trying. But I just can't let him in. It's me. I know it is. I'm the one with bigger problems. I can't accept what he gives. Why? Why? Why? I think it may because if I accept him for him and our M, that I know I'm shutting the door on another life. On having more. On having "an out." But I did that in our M before and it made me depressed. And him. And led to disaster. I wasn't even thinking about ending the M. He did. So...here we are. Oh the irony. And I kept laying in bed last night thinking. "I'd leave if the kids weren't involved." Made me cry. But I am staying because I love them more than anything. Some people will think that is a cope-out but I don't. That's how I feel. I need to stay. I can't leave them. That's my boundary. And I'm willing to live in this M until...until when? I just don't know that answer. And that freaks me out.
