When to move back in together?

[the girl]

Aud,
I wish my mom would say something like that to me:(.
I had a dear friend over last night, who was extremely upset that I am letting my H move back in without jumping thru more hoops. She thinks I am exhibiting no self esteem, no boundary setting and no self respect. She enumerated all the rotten aspects of his past year behavior, how she doesn't see how he will change, especially since I have given in and am allowing him to have his way once again.

Yes, she is right on many points (she is also a pro therapist), but the bottom line is that I want my family together. I do deserve all that good treatment, but I can't ask or expect it from him now. I tried to tell her that he is walking slowly back to us, and I have to accept that for now, for my family's sake.

She says it is going to blow up in my face. I said he can just move back out.

But now with the added stress of job loss, I can't depend on child support. We now have a major crunch in our resources. I will not put my girls in daycare. Even if I have to live through this time with a major a**hole for a H, I feel like I just have to do it. I don't have a lot of energy, mental or physical, to expend on working outside the home. All the people telling me to leave my H really have no idea what caring for 3 children under age 4 is like.

I kept telling her last night, yes, a lot is very broken in my marriage and he is not displaying much good....but it is my marriage, and it is the man I chose to be with. I am not going to waste my time thinking he should be someone else. This is my life!
The girl

[Aud31]

This is entirely your decision--no one else has to walk in your shoes. I'm so sorry everyone is trying to talk you out of doing what you feel you need to do. When it comes down to it though, they won't be the ones looking back, wondering if there was something more they could/should have done.

I've struggled with the tough love point of view...am I violating my self esteem/respect in giving him chance after chance? I see the point of the argument, but this is MY life and my choice. I don't see how a 'one size fits all' approach works in every R. As far as my self respect goes, when I look at myself today, I know and like who I am much better than the girl I was a year ago. I'm making my choice out of my strength, rather than 'letting him get away with it'.

I do struggle a bit determining how to set and maintain boundaries. I think they need to be respectful to both of us...and I think my H can be manipulative--he knows me well and knows how to keep me where he wants me. There's always more to learn. I'd just as soon learn without paying for a D (with money and our children's emotions) if it's not absolutely necessary.

((Hugs)) hon--hang in there. There is no law saying you can't get out of this in the future if things don't work out. They're a lot more likely to work out if you stick with your current direction. IMHO.

Also, just because he moves back in does not mean everything returns to 'normal'. You can still take it slow, date, GAL and set boundaries with him in the home.

[Sara]

The Girl,

I find it shocking that a friend would come on so strong about how another person should live her life. I suspect this woman has problems, and I doubt she will just go and use solutions you suggest to solve them!

This is real live, not theory in a book. There are no hard and fast rules, unless perhaps he is physically abusing you and you are in danger.

Your husband has shown remorse for his actions. He may not be the most changable person, but he is willing to make an effort. I believe that people deserve the opportunity to turn their lives around.

And you have Retrouvaille coming up in the near future where you will both learn a new way to get along. Old habits will change. People can change if they choose to.

[the girl]

Thanks...
Need those hugs and encouraging words.

I am trying to put myself in the state of mind of having a roommate move in. If I could just treat him the way I treat my friends, I believe I can stabilize my emotions a little better.

I have to hang in there. A total closure on the OW contact could be just around the corner...I feel like it is more possible than ever.

Also, Retrouvaille will be a real benchmark.

The silly thing is that I am agonizing over him moving in, when I have two more weeks without him here. Really, anything can change in that time frame.

I am trying to GAL: working on my resume (H says he would like me to be able to work out of the home a couple days a week, for my own enjoyment, not especially for money), have a dear girlfriend coming to visit in a week, meeting with my pastor and his wife (who are definately supportive of waiting, praying and believing for H to change), and going to see a friend's play.

The Girl

[runningoutoftime]

I think there are many more reasons for you to stay in your marriage and work on it then to let it go. Your husband's words and his remorse sound very positive to me. Our husband's don't have to stay. They can just as easily leave and not have to deal with the guilt and difficulty of rebuilding... and find younger, less encumbered women. But the fact is your husband is CHOOSING to stay with you. And he's choosing to deal with the difficulties of reconciliation which are not easy because there is guilt and shame that he does have to face inside himself and deal with. It would actually be much easier for him to leave.

I'm glad you realize breaking things off with the OW may be a difficult transition for him. In time things will get much easier. Try not to hold onto any anger or blame about what happened. Doing this will help make healing easier and bring you both much closer together.

We cannot predict the future, and we cannot ever say our spouses (or anyone else) won't cheat on us or leave, but I think keeping a family together, being with someone you have history with, and having your children grow up with their dad around... there is nothing better. I've talked with a lot of divorced people and most are not happier. Many have difficulty finding healthy relationships and quite a few spend a lot of time complaining about their ex-spouses and the dramas going on between everyone. A surprising amount have restraining orders against their ex-spouses. It's really sad....

I like your attitude and I like your strength. You seem like a good person and an excellent mother. Being forgiving and loving during difficult times says a lot about a person.

[runningoutoftime]

If I could just treat him the way I treat my friends, I believe I can stabilize my emotions a little better.

Absolutely. Work on friendship first and foremost. It really does need to be like starting a new relationship. Basically you are rebuilding a new house on old property and you have to start from the ground and work up.

The silly thing is that I am agonizing over him moving in, when I have two more weeks without him here. Really, anything can change in that time frame.

Yes. You are so smart! That's why you cannot have expectations. That is why you must go slow, allow enough distance for both of you and focus on friendship. Even if he changes his mind and decides he doesn't want to come back (or you change your mind and don't want him back), for you and your children be FRIENDS!!! There is always a chance the time is just not right now. If it isn't, that doesn't mean it won't occur in the future. There are many more reasons for you two to eventually be back together. No matter what happens... be friends.

[the girl]

I went to church today and repented before God that I had indulged in murder in my heart towards the OW, and I asked for God to bless her and transform her life. If she was transformed by the grace of God, then I know she would be out of our lives. But first she would come to me in tears asking for forgiveness...

Anyway, I am trying to keep a clear conscience. I have never, ever struggled with hatred and loathing for someone like I do the OW. She has stolen so much from me, I can't let her have my heart.

Today when I saw my H, he was visibly in pain from tensing his neck muscles so much. He isn't talking about the job sitch, and I am not digging for answers as to what he is doing. Instead, I wrote him a brief email: "I am so sorry about your job. I know you are going to work it out. I believe in you. I am for you. Let me know when you want a massage".

He replied: "I know it will be OK, too. I see this as part of the larger picture of our reconciliation".

Hmm. Interesting. When he took the job a year ago, he began to remove himself as far and fast from me. He started taking on an image of a person he isn't. Including the OW, who is nothing like him in tastes or interests. It is like God is allowing him to be humbled; his whole image is crashing in around him.

Thank God. May the man be humbled! My sweetest fantasy: seeing my husband weeping on the floor, begging God for forgiveness and grace.

Because we know our God gives it so lavishly. Right?

This next stage is like clearing a path through a dense jungle. I swear it looks impassible, directionless, overwhelming, sticky...But I have no choice but to swing my machete and move on.

I sent my resume in for a part time job that looks wonderful to me. It would put me on a path towards a teaching career. It took a lot of courage. I have not had full time employment for about 8 years.

I am wondering, how do you regain respect for your husband? How do you go back to thinking highly of him again?

The Girl

[Aud31]

Good morning--I don't have a lot of time, but wanted to drop in and give you a pat on the back. Don't hold your breath for OW to come to you asking for forgiveness, but give it anyway. It's for YOU. Same for your H.

I have shared the fantasy you wrote...but it is fading as we get further away from the drama of the last year(s). I may never see my H beg for forgiveness on his knees, but I hope at some point my H goes through that with God whether I'm there to witness it or not.

As for regaining respect...I think that's gonna take a long time and a lot of real action on H's part as well as some work on your part to let go of the hurtful memories.

Good luck with the potential job and have a great day!

[runningoutoftime]

Girl,

Aud has some very wise words... I agree that respect is something which takes time. I think what your husband is saying and doing indicates he wants to move in that direction. Your patience and personal growth will be a good role model for him.

I have to echo the sentiment Aud shared that you shouldn't hold your breath about OW to ask forgiveness. I'm pretty certain that will never happen in my sitch either... and even if my husband's OW did, I suspect I'd just be one in a line of women she'd be asking forgiveness from. Good luck with the job!

[saffie]

Anyway, I am trying to keep a clear conscience. I have never, ever struggled with hatred and loathing for someone like I do the OW. She has stolen so much from me, I can't let her have my heart.

When I first came to these boards it was because of the OW and my feelings towards her. MY H had been recommitted to our M for nearly a year. OW had been gone from our lives for all of that time and yet I could not stop thinking about her and what I wanted to do to her. I had been brought up to believe that hate was an extreme and bad emotion. Because I hated OW I could not let go of her and she was continuing to ruin my marraige. I thought of her all the time and my husband never did.

With help from the wonderful people on these boards and my C I came to understand that I did not have to stop hating her- it was a natural emotion. I just had to move on from what had happened and forgive myself for hating her. That was enough. I will never like her but allowing myself to hate her actually stopped that happening. I made a voodoo doll of her out of a Cabbage Patch doll for a laugh, (a barbie was far too thin) and I stuck a few pins in it!!!! Now I just pity her. She was rejected by my H. She left her own H and abandoned her children and although she has gone back to them they will always know that she did that. My H never checked out of our M and he never promised her he would - she just thought that she would be able to convince him to. In reality she had nothing to offer . she wasn't even a good fcuk.

Look to yourself and your H. Forget about OW because you can believe she doesn't give a damn about you.

Saffie