Growing up is hard to do

[peaceful_spirit]

You girls are all right. Your words really resonate with me, so I really thank you for your continued support. I am still trying to fix him. When will I let go of that urge? So, I tell him these things in hopes they'll sink in. But he just doesn't want to hear them.

I had another little blow up at him today. I told him that I'm really angry at him and that's why I'm making all these snide remarkes. I told him that while I know him moving out is the right thing to do and that I'm at peace with my decision, I am still really sad. I told him that I am working through it in my own way. He was talking about how I had said mean things to him. I told him that I won't always be this angry at him and that I'll work through it in time, but that's how I feel now. Then I apologzed for blowing up at him and told him that I am having a whole range of emotions and that he needed to respect that. He said okay.

The rest of the day, we peacefully coexisted around the house. He went to see an appartment this morning. He said he liked it, but is hesitant to act on it. Maybe he wants to see other places.

So, I bought some mums to plant. So, I spend much of the afternoon gardening. The kids and H were inside sleeping. Then I cooked dinner and we ate as a family. H and I have conversations, but for the most part, I am not where he is. I don't know if that's good or bad or what. IN other words, it's not like we're hanging out together. He was downstairs with the kids most of the night, and I was up here cleaning up. Then I had a hot bath and right now I feel so relaxed.

I'm feeling a little better now emotionally speaking. He is going away tomorrow until Friday night. S3's birthday is on Monday. I bought all his bday gifts. H hasn't even asked me what I got him, nor did he get him anything on his own. So he'll be gone on S3's birthday and we'll spend it without him.

Anyway, I know I need to stop "talking" to H. I jsut can't help it sometimes. I actually said "f- you, j*rk off" to him today. I have never really spoken to him that way. He just made me SO freaking mad.

Clearly, I need to regroup and get control of my emotions. I'm working on it. But it's so hard when he's here. I am so glad he's going away for the week.

I am so thankful for my great friends, both on this board and off, and my family. I have more support than I could ever ask for.