VS, as you can see, this forum is a great place for you with lots of good people facing very similar challenges. Just know that you are not alone and that other people have been or are going down the same paths and dealing with the same hardships. I hope you can find some comfort in that, that here you can have a support system and a place to more safely vent the continually recurring anger, confusion, frustrations and sadness that are, unfortunately, a big part of this experience. There are a lot of wise and helpful people participating in these forums who will always give you sound, objective advice.
