Please help in dealing with Hs affair!!!

[lester]

Nanah,

In the DR book Michelle suggests keeping a solutions journal so you can know what 180's worked and what seems to backfire. If you keep such a journal you can also put in there the small victories so you can get a sense of how things are progressing.

Hope and perseverance can get you through this time. No matter what the outcome you will be stronger for following DB techniques. It really helps you get back to who you are and that's who your H married.

Husband is absolutely right. It seems like nearly every day my wife says something, OM doesn't have to do any housework... she's starting to see him as the bum he is. I really feel for his wife.

[Nanah]

Hello everyone!

Got our cellphone bill yesterday and so the complete insight on the million times he has already been calling OW, while we were still together.

I AM ABOUT TO BURST!!!!!

Trying to stay cool though and not tell him I know and "act as if".
Feel as if I would be destroying all the good things and the friendship mode that we're quite successfully keeping up these days if I would tell him about my insights.

Is that the right way to go????

[lester]

Here's the thing with snooping as many of us can attest. Yes some things maybe unavoidable like laundry or cell phone bills but it helps to think of it like an addiction. The only thing you can do is not support it by setting boundaries such as no kids around OP, OP not to come near the house unless they're wearing a bullet proof vest etc.

As far as how to deal with it... exercise seems to help me best with things that REALLY get to me like the bill you just described would. Sometimes it's hard to act "as if" so what I do in those situations is clean the house, go for a walk, play with the kids until I am calm again. I think the impression from DBing is that you will always have nerves of steel. We all know that's not true so perhaps avoiding face time and doing the things mentioned above can help in your situation.

You, on the other hand, could tell him what you found on the bill but I would stick to something like "Our cellphone bill is $100 over what it normally is, we'll have to try to limit the number of calls we make next month". It is truthful yet non-accusatory (which would be counterproductive) and also shares blame for the high cost of the bill. It's really a minor point that he is mostly responsible for the higher cost.

I actually have the same sitch with my wife making $260 in calls above our plan minutes. Most to her mom and some other unknown numbers. Calls to OM are high but not the majority. Sorry for the boring background... just wanted you to know we're here for ya.

[thegoodfight]

Funny Lester, I just increased my minutes and told her talk all you want I would rather pay an extra 10 a month than 90.

Sorry Cell phone hit home with me. If you can help it don't snoop. Honestly for me I checked the bill this time because it was 100 over normal. As far as everything else it hurts to know someone is either sharing emotinally or physically with someone else. I know been on both sides. Just know this if he faces reality some day, it will knock him for a loop.

That goes for all cheaters, if they face reality, it will knock them straight, but not until then. Best of luck.

[lester]

Yeah $260 bucks over on her phone. I was $90 over because well I was and am going through a tuff time. Yeah, I should probably call them this week and change our plan this is just silly - a new plan would be way cheaper.

[lester]

Hmmm well just checked and I guess this is the only month we were over, so maybe we'll just stay but damn.

[Nanah]

Hey all!

I stayed cool. Acted as if.
We had a relaxed time.
Were both tired and chilled on the couch. Talked about what's going on in the Bar and especially about one customer, who seems to become a bit strange - talking badly about each of us to the other one... Then watched TV for a while... under the same blanket.... no cuddling and snuggling. But close anyway. Did't really dare looking at each other while doing so.

Tis funny, since we split up and he moved out, we seem to be able to communicate a lot better. No pressure from my side, just trying to DETACH. Looking nice, making jokes while we're together...

And since a few days even he got a little more reasonable with his drinking habits.....maybe due to the fact that he is taking driving lessons these days.... will see....

I won't say anything about the bill. Rather wait until the next one... He himself said to me last week when I couldnt help being pissed of coz OW was calling while I was sitting next that it would be very unreasonable to start another relationship just after breaking up. And the "good" news on top: she seems to be a single Mom - just like me..... wants him to meet her son. And it seems she's pressurizing him with that one.
As far as I know him he is VERY responsible in kids involved in relationships. As long as he is not sure if he REALLY wants to pick up a R with her he will keep on refusing to meet the boy.

And he knows that picking up an R with her would mean we could NO longer work together.

So - I guess detaching and showing him that there is no rush for anything and that I accept his decision of separating is the best thing to do these days.
Just need to stay cool when he keeps on touching me and looking at me as if we never split up.... He still cares a lot - I can feel that....
Geee...... THANKS to you all for now! It feels soooo good to get your support!!

Love,
n.

[lester]

That's what we're here for. Each of lean on each other and in turn become stronger ourselves.

[Nanah]

Funny....or should I say: strange...

I know exactly, that he spent last night at her place. He was invited to the birthdayparty of his stepfather. I asked him today how it was and he just replied: it was nice.
Then some stupid story about some other guy he had to bring home coz of being really wasted. That was it.

That's how it works, right?
They don't tell anything when they met the OP.
But then again when they didn't, they'll tell you the entire story of their night out....

I just wonder what this is going to be.....!!!!!!!!
He is just able to meet her night times basically. And only when her son is not with her. He can't be really introducing her to his family in the weeks to come, coz they stick around in our Bar as well.... He can't really go out with her in our part of town neither coz we both know most of the barstaff in all the places.
It's still like a "gotta hide"-thing.
She can't show up at our Bar - which is the place he spends most of his time. Where his friends and family are.... so they can only meet one/two times a week.
He is still babysitting my daughter and spends time at our place.

If I were her, I'd go NUTS.
Then again most of the time they meet, he must already be drunk - at least a bit....

Well, in the end it's not my task to think about all that.
But it kind of makes me feel better... in a way that I know/feel that he does not want to entirely "lose" me.
And he knows he's risking that by picking up a R with her.
So I gotta detach detach detach!!!!
Thanks god I'll be leaving to see my best friend for a few days on monday..... Guess I will be able to detach much better afterwards....

Why the HECK is he still touching me in this very "close" way????
(I'll be so happy NOT to see him for a few days....!!!!)

We'll be working together tonite again. Friend of ours is having a concert in the Bar. Geeee..... Guess I'll have quiet some news for you guys tomorrow.....

Thanks for being there!!!
n.

[Nanah]

What a horror-trip!

The singer we had around tonight was only doing "emotional" and "meaning of live" stuff. And on top of that in a very poetical way....
Even before the concert started H went out to call OW. And then when he came back in left his little adress book on the bar. open. Recognized the number on the phone bill. Stayed cool Thanks god another friend came in at the same time so I got a bit distracted.

He sat behind me during the first set. I was getting more and more nervous, touched and sad with every song this guy was singing. Close to burst out in tears in front of everybody. Held them back tough. During the break he looked at me and then asked me if I was okay. DARN HARD TO GET ME SMILING and tell him: Yes, sure!.

Second set was even worse. He sat right in front of me so I had to basically look at him if I didn't want to move my head.
Couldnt though. Songs were too emotional. He didn't look at me neither. Then after 20 minutes I had to leave the room, coz holding back my tears didnt work any longer. Sat in the bathroom for like 10 minutes sheding them.
Telling me: DETACH DETACH DETACH. Over and over again.
He didnt notice when I came back.
After the concert he had one more beer and then left.
To see OW. I am SURE.

Thanks god everyone left early so I could close down the place. But then I was like really bursting out in tears. Then talked to the singer for like half an hour. Told him about my idea that on the open-mic event at our place coming up in 2 weeks I wanted to sing. Which I haven't done for a long time. H loves it when I sing though. Even rehearsed my song already. Sung it sooooo many times.... It's DESPERADO by the Eagles in a more like jazzy version.
We both went back on stage in the empty bar and I sung it on the mic. Rehearsal again. And it felt good.
I now know that I WILL definitely sing that song. And he will know that I am singing it for HIM. In front of I don't know how many people. (Which I never did...)
That should be my two weeks goal on TOP of all the other ones...
Maybe that helps me in doing more than babysteps in achieving my goals these days.....