I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[theotherhalf]

Sounds pretty pathetic huh? Well that is how I am feeling.

I really do not know what to do at this point. I don't know what I am doing anymore either. I'm so discouraged, lost, lonely, depressed, afraid, GOD!! This sucks soooo bad.

Here's my stich:
M21 T23 M40 H41 D16 N13
Bomb 4/07 H out of house 4/07 Moved to own place 8/07

I don't know if people would say we had a good marriage but I felt we did for the most part. We were each others best's friends. He once said "we are partners in life". My H was a good H and father. Not a lovey dovey but said ILY everyday. A very proud man. Not one to show his feelings or to talk to me about them. Drank a little too much but not problem. Can really be an ass when drunk but has lessened ALOT over the years. A workaholic in a sense. He was the production manager in a big factory. And we farm 200 acres with 50 cows.We hardly fight, sure we have disagreements but fights, rarely. I said all the time in recent years, I actually even like him now and he said the same as me. (As we've had a pretty hard life together). We both have worked very hard to get where we are today. Started with nothing at 17. Now have a new home on his family farm, and not alot of extra debt.

The only infedelity in our M was 16 years ago when H father died. It was a 2 night stand with a woman he worked with. We seperated for 2 weeks. H came home we worked it out and it was in the past. Talked of it only on rare occasion and it was okay. Since then the marriage seemed to only improve over the years. Then 5 years ago we took in H niece to live with us to keep her out of foster care. A year later we adopted her. It has been hell pretty much ever since. We have had to fight every inch of the way with this girl and have not seen much improvement from her. H job got increasingly more and more stressful. Always in fear that it is going to close. H seemed to go inside himself. Working more and more hours. On occasion I can look back and see him reaching out to me, to try and bring us closer. I didn't realize anything was really wrong with "us" and I didn't pay attention. "Our" time was less and less, sex was less and less. I kept asking him what was wrong, he'd say nothing or that it's just work or he was just tired.

Then out of the blue in April he dropped the bomb.
I was in total shock and disbelief. I imediately asked if there was someone else. He said no. Found out end of May that there was (heard him on phone with her) only H completely denied it. Still is denying. It's the same Ow from 16 years ago. What a kick in the gut. She had just gotten out of a R with a man that left his wife and 2 girls for her. They were engaged, he put her in debt then left her.

In the beginning I did ALL the wrong things, begged, cried, pleaded, reasoned, called him over,over,again, called OW over and over,chased, snooped, etc...

Awhile after H moved out I stopped all the above. I tried putting my life back together at least half of it. I've been taking better care of myself and my girls. I am going out and enjoying myself. Keeping the house better. Joined a gym, started reading, going to work everyday. On the outside I'd say I am doing pretty good. Inside, well I am completely miserable.

I have stopped initiating any and all contact with H. The only time we talk is when he comes here. (To do farm stuff). I try to keep it minimal. Don't talk about R stuff. Or D stuff. I try to keep my head up and seem happy when he is around. Chipper in away.

3 weeks ago I went out. H was here before I left. Knew that he wanted to know where I was going right away. He didn't ask I didn't tell. As night wore on he called my phone 8-10 times. I answered first 4 calls then stopped answering. Ended up coming here, breaking window and stuff that night. Next day he apologized. We both decided it was drunkeness and cuz he couldn't swallow his own medicine. Then nothing from him.

Last Friday night H showed up here out of blue in evening. He initiated some stuff to do around here and we did. He ended up coming into house watching TV. We just hung out. B4 night was over though I couldn't contain my wanting him. So I asked him to stay. He said no. Later I asked are you sure. No. Then later I asked again. He said you know it doesn't mean anything. I said ya. He spent the night. Nothing glorious. Wanted it to be but seemed awkward and I needed him to show me some desire for me and it really wasn't there so didn't ask for seconds. He left in am.

Again I heard nothing of him since. Girls had VB games Wed. H was there. We said Hi in passing but H looked at me as if he hates me. Completely avoided me the rest of the night.

He was here last night for a minute and again today. Doesn't look at me, no talk, and he looks so angry at me.

I am getting so discouraged. What am I to do? I am trying to do the 180 stuff, the detaching stuff. But I really don't know if it is working. I don't know that it will work with my H.

I think some of our biggest problems in our M was the alienation he felt from me. I was to into the girls's stuff. I ignored him. And I know that I shouldn't be having sex with him now but. I've changed. Some maybe from losing him,some from losing 50 lbs and feeling better about myself. I don't know, wonder if maybe I am going through a change as well. I have a total diff feeling of sex. I want it, I want it, I want it. And I want H more and more. The lack of sex in our M makes me wonder if maybe I should be showing H the changes in me. Could it help? I know that my H would be really excited about these changes in me if things were different.

I know that I shouldn't be thinking so much of what H is doing or thinking. But I cannot help it. I love this man so very very much. I am so afraid that doing some of the very things that may have contributed to the fall of our M will close the deal. Will push my H to the D. I tried to convice myself to "believe" in us, "believe" in our love for each other. That we will somehow make it through this better in the future.

But today I really feel as though I am fooling myself. That he really doesn't love me anymore. That even though he says he's not seeing anyone now, that I have been replaced. That he is right and it is too late. Then come harvest when the crops are sold, the calves are sold. That he'll have the money and will file for the D. No stopping him. That his brothers, sister, Mom, and close friends are all going to be wrong. That H is not going to come back in the end.

As you can see, I really am a mess. And I really need some help...