Trying to get WAW back

[Nugget]

Dave if you are giving it your best, then no one can expect anymore out of you. You need to do what you feel is right for your S and more importantly for you. I respect you for the decision you made. I do not regret pushing for the S in my own M. I miss the hell out of my wife daily, but I do not miss how we were. We are enjoying each other more now, then we had over the past 2-3 years. I feel for me and my W we would never have gotten out of the rut we were in and in to a position we are now, to rebuild our R, if we would have not separated.

[Dom R]

I'll be separated from the kids and be a part time parent if a D happens so what's the difference from now?

The differences are:

1. you have a greater chance of saving your marriage, if you are living in the same house with your wife

2. If you dont establish a schedule that has your children WITH YOU, as soon as possible... you will most likely lose your legal right to do that in the future.

So, if you care about your future ability to have "unsupervised visits" and overnights with your children, you have exactly two choices:

a) piss off your wife, by moving back into your home
b) piss off your wife, by insisting that you get them with you exclusively for some days/nights a week, starting right away.

I am deadly serious on this, Dave. See a lawyer to confirm what I'm saying. But basically, how it works, is that she files papers against you, with the "date of separation" as the date you moved out of the house. She then has precedence of, "We've been separated since xxx 2007, and I have had exclusive custody of our children since that time. I move that I retain sole custody".

Judge: "motion granted."

The longer you wait, the more airtight her case is on this.
2 weeks, is not so bad. A few months, is deadly.
From a legal perspective, you are demonstrating that you only care to have "supervised visits" with your children, and nothing more.
SEE A LAWYER, to find out for yourself, if you dont want to believe me.

Once you understand that, and agree that if you care about your children, you are forced into choosing either A or B... my opinion is that option A, is less harmful to your marriage.
Because once you start down the "custody" road, and show that you are serious about fighting for your children, that encourages her to stop pretending she's going to play nice, and go into fight
mode. She will start getting protective of "her" children.


Moving back in, is the lesser aggression of the two.

At least this way I have a chance to prevent it from happening.

That is a false statement, dave. You have a chance to prevent the breakup of your family both ways.
Based on experience, and what counsellors say, I can tell you that your chance of preventing it is far better in your home, than out of it, IF you can control yourself.
(if you cant, then your marriage is doomed either way, so i would suggest not using that as an excuse)

I also need her to be confident when facing with dealing of our issues. If she is down and depressed, we have no chance of ever overcoming anything.

Again: FALSE.
Tell me, do alchoholics best recover, and set a better course for their lives, when they are "confident"? or when they are "down and depressed"?

If she gets to feeling all happy and confident with you out of the house, lets look at the choices she has:


"Hmm.. when Dave was with me, I was sad and depressed.
When I got rid of Dave, I became happy and confident.
NO WAY I'm going to have Dave back! I want to stay happy and confident!"


What you are planning, Does Not Make Sense, Dave.

[DaveJ]

I think she knows what kind of person I am. Forgiving me for my dumb mistakes, that's another story..... She is very prideful and stubborn. According to the MIL, my W's father side of family tends to always been prideful and pessimistic. They can get pretty bitter. Well, here's hoping my wife will have a soft heart in the end....

[Sara]

DAve,

It couldn't hurt to consult a lawyer about the visitation with the kids. You don't need to let your wife know. You may as well cover your bases so you are prepared if the worst happens. Plan for the best; prepare for the worst, as they always say.

[DaveJ]

I understand. I think the problem is really me slipping. I think the W will loosen up a bit once she feels less anxiety from me and doesn't feel like I'm talking about R, pressuring and pursuing. I get to see the kids 3 times a week. Maybe I can slip in an extra day sometimes when the W is a bit more relaxed towards me. She has always said I can see the kids any time I want. It's just during this period right now she wants the space to figure things out and I will respect that.

[Sara]

I know you trust her, and that is good, because usually when you can't trust someone you have a feeling that tells you something is up. On the other hand, the reason we post here is to get the advice of people who have been down this road before us, and can give us some insight as to what might lie ahead. I wasn't aware of the supervised visitation issue. But Dom has experience with this. You should take steps to cover your a** for things that others have experienced. Forewarned is forearmed, but only if you do something about it. She would never have to know that you consulted a lawyer, and you should not tell her.

[DaveJ]

So, I was at a sports bar this morning hanging out with the alumni club and GAL. Get a txt msg from the wife asking if I want to meet for lunch. That was a pleasant surprise. We had a real nice chat last night over the phone. Anyways, met the family for lunch at Famous Dave's BBQ. W says that she starting to realize how much the kids really miss me. I guess my D1.5 was chanting daddy last night quite a bit. And today S4 said he wants to have lunch with me. She also said that this wasn't just for the kids, she wanted to have lunch with me too. Before hand she would've just said no to S4 because of not wanting to be around me. So it was a real nice lunch and we all had a nice time. On the way back to where I'm staying I get another txt msg. W says if I can teach her swimming, and that she's ready to learn. We have a pool in the backyard and I guess since we have kids she want to be able to save them in case something happens. We do have a fence. Before today she has lots of anxiety with me and not wanting anything to do with me cuz I kept on slipping. So that definitely seems to be an improvement if she's happy to spend time with me. Guess I'll keep up the not slipping part and see where this goes.... I'm thinking continuous positive experiences probably help my cause....

[LL44]

Wow, that's great. Twice in a day, she is attempting to make contact with you. And she specifically admitted to wanting it as well, not just for the kids. Just be cool about it, and go when you want to go. Keep those great experiences up!!

[Nugget]

That's great Dave. She is regaining trust in you and starting to see that the changes you are making are sincere. Keep up the DBing and try to keep the backslides to a minimum.

[Sara]

That is good, Dave. I hope she continues to want you to come around. The swimming is so important. I do hope you have one of those alarmed pool covers to prevent accidents.