Hey, CMNM, I followed you from Betsey's thread and have read your entire thread this morning. Wow! What wonderful advice and support you've gotten from some terrific folks.
Last week I picked up John Gottman's book The Relationship Cure for a presentation I was making on effective communication. Gottman had a simple thing which I immediately stole -- he says there are three ways to respond to another person who wants to communication with you:
- Turning Toward
- Turning Away
- Turning Against
Turning toward responses are things which say "Tell me more" like paraphrasing what they said or mirroring their tone and body language.
Turning away is responding without enthusiasm, changing the subject or disregarding the person. For instance, if I say, "I'm worried about my daughter's health. Can we talk about it?" and you respond with "Oh, I'm reading right now", that's turning away.
Turning against is answering that question with "You should be worried about her health, all you do is feed her junk food!"
Gottman says turning toward is the only way to build a relationship. Since I read this little gem of wisdom, I've taken a hard look at how I turn in conversation. In my family, the art of the funny putdown was practiced -- but that's often really Turning Against, with a joke. I'm also aware of when my kids try to talk with me but I'm typing away on the computer -- that's Turning Away.
What I want is to Turn Toward -- of course, with boundaries because always being available has its pitfalls, too. But I can Turn Toward by saying, "I can talk in about 10 minutes, is that OK?" Whoever I'm talking with can feel heard, and I can feel better about me, and feel more conscious about how I am being in the world.
If you could be conscious of how you're "turning" with your H in conversation, I'll bet you could become a better listener and a better communicator.
