I have "guarding my heart" very well during this time and have not sought out another relationship. The porn stopped in January of 2002 and has not resurfaced. I suspect that W has not been involved in an EA or PA during all of this - but I have not snooped so I don’t know for certain. A couple of W's closest friends are divorced and W has helped them through their dating ordeals - reviewing their profiles on a couple of dating web sites and evaluating their matches. So she certainly knows how to navigate that route - even if she has not taken it herself as of yet.
Division of labor around the house: W does what W wants to do - nothing more, nothing less. Due to our work schedules, W has gotten the kids off to day care / school before heading into work. I would pick them up, take care of their needs and work up dinner. Most evenings after work W is at the computer cruising the web (our computers are networked and in the living room where W and I can see what the kids are doing) until she gets them upstairs for bed. Since I am the early riser, I get to bed before W and kids but I usually get less than six hours of sleep every night. W takes care of the finances (one of the few things that interest her and keeps her engaged so I let her even though I could handle it) and all of our accounts are joint.
For the longest time, my family (both parents are alive and well after 50 years of marriage and I have three sisters - two married and one divorced) has been out of the loop on all that has gone on - a result of me wanting to not degrade their view of W. Recently I did let my parents know everything that has gone on and my hand in all of this. They knew something was up since the last time we (kids, W and I) visited over three years ago. My mom said that W was treating me like dirt at that time and that regardless of the reason, there was no excuse for it - that W was severely in their doghouse. Mom asked me point blank if I had any intention of abandoning the kids and I replied that there was no way that would happen. I also let Mom and Dad know to share everything I said with my sisters - which led to a wonderful convo with my younger sister a couple of days after I talked with Mom and Dad. My sister has been married for over 25 years and let me know she and her H were fully in my corner.
On W's side - her parents divorced when she was a teenager and probably would have a lot sooner except for W. MIL moved away and FIL remarried within a year to a woman who was a family friend. FIL and his W are still alive and living in the house where W grew up. W has an older brother and sister who each have been through at least two marriages - both are still married for over 20 years to their latest spouses. Although my parents' marriage has had its sizeable ups and downs, they found a way to stay together and let their love prosper.
As I mentioned above, my job is extremely stressful and I am not sure how long I will continue there. I am very happy at the progress I am making with my therapist and my relationships with the children are thriving. I do have some outside interests so it has been easy for me to keep a relatively positive outlook on life despite the state of my marriage. In my opinion - regardless of whether W pulls the trigger or I do, it would still be W's divorce and is the wrong course. However, I am waging an internal battle on whether the divorce has become a necessity.
I do know that no matter how well I "guard my heart," I am extremely vulnerable and it would not take too much in the way of attention and affection from a woman to cause me to stray. I have chosen - and continue to choose - to love my W regardless of her actions towards me and our marriage. In our last session, my therapist said that I should not be afraid to "upset the apple cart." This can take on different dimensions - such as being more vocal in expressing my feelings at W's actions that seek to exclude me - which she has done with alarming frequency over the years.
I don't want to leave the wrong impression that W is a bad person. She works very hard with raising our kids and loves them greatly - and we did have a wonderful marriage for a number of years (a great deal of words of affection and quality time on both of our parts - but the frequency of ML only a few times of year and something that W controlled despite my desire for greater frequency - something which W knew in no uncertain terms. But I can't reconcile how she can love them so much and be willing to go down a path which will hurt them so deeply. And I don't even know if I am really Piecing any more. Perhaps that is why I decided to post again. I know that I am at a crossroads - I just wish I knew which path is the right one to take...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
