It's time we let the spirit come in...

[Daybreak]

In the long period since W and I were jointly seeing the "all in one" therapist, we have not had any R talks. Our interactions have been mostly polite but dealing only with the kids, household related items, finances, me listening to W's daily activities and her assorted health problems (real but which I suspect are more psychologically based rather than an assignable organic cause). I have done a heck of a lot of active listening and validation - showing her the way that our communications should be. W has repeatedly shown no interest in my condition, feelings or how my life has been going. When I have tried to steer any conversation in that direction, she loses interest and becomes quite non-communicative. Admittedly, I am not the most open person in the world and have always kept things close to my vest. For a while, W was trying to tell everyone she knew (and tried to sell to me) that I was suffering from Asperger's Syndrome (or high-functioning autism). When I first broached this subject with my new therapist, he was of the opinion that there were a great deal of unresolved issues in W's past and that my communication skills were actually pretty good.

A couple of weeks ago while the kids were home from school, W came into the family room from her usual perch at the computer (where she spends a majority of her free time usually surfing the web) while I was sitting down taking a break while dinner was cooking and she proceeded to begin a R talk - the first in several years. She prefaced her comments by saying that her feelings could be tinged by the beginnings of menopause or her prolonged depression but she brought up the idea of ending our marriage - that it had been dead for a long time, that she wanted to start anew and wanted to know my view of things. I told her that I had no interest in a divorce from her, that it would be catastrophic from a financial standpoint and it would be psychologically devastating for our children - but that I was powerless to stop her if that was the route she had chosen for us.

She was a bit put off by my comments and her body language showed it but did not get angry. She asked me what I would recommend us doing. I said that since we were not well served by the "all in one" therapist from the past, we should seek out a therapist who would be an advocate for our marriage and not for either of us. She got defensive and said that she never went to the "all in one" for her needs. I did not say it but I suspected she was not telling the truth - a take that my current therapist supported and he even said that I should have called her on that right away rather than giving her a free pass.

W brought up the subject of her depressed feelings. I suggested that she should see a separate therapist she went to over three years ago. Our family doctor steered W to this person to see if there was a psychological connection to some occasional tremors (or twitching) W has had for a number of years. W shot down that idea. I even suggested that the therapist our D had been seeing for other issues would likely have some good recommendations - but W dismissed that route as well.

We continued talking for a few minutes about how she wanted me to find a place of my own - preferably close by so that the kids could be close to both of us and we could switch cars should one of them break down. I said nothing but thought: "You want to end our marriage and subject us to this divorce but I am the one who is supposed to leave? No chance of that happening."

(Time for another break...)