Quoting PhoenixNTraining: I wonder if in defending the other person, they are really trying to defend themselves? It would make sense to me for the walk away spouse to think, "Gee, if they think that way about the other-person, what do they think about me?"
And thus, they defend the other person, saying they aren't so bad, when they are truly trying to defend themselves?
Here's how I feel about it.
I have told Calystra many times that she should not blame the OW for what happened, she should blame me. There was no point in time where the OW did something that I didn't want her to do, and at many times the OW stated she didn't want to damage a marriage. I explained the marriage was over, so she shouldn't worry about it, but she definately was concerned.
I'm certain there are plenty of things Calystra could be mad at the OW about, but any of those I'm doubly responsible for. I find it very important to take the blame when it's due, and it makes me feel bad to hear blame being put on someone else when I think it's my fault. I hurt OW a lot by leaving to go back to my W, and I told her I'd never talk to her again. I would rather let that be the end of everything.
Any extra contact from this point on would just be painful for everyone involved. If she was fired for something I knew about, she may end up thinking I did that (or W did), may end up trying to contact us, etc. I want it to be over, completely over. I want any blame to be put to me, and then W and I can work through those issues. With her EOM, I have no interest in blaming him or getting revenge. If I have issues, I'll take them up with my W. I just want the other R's to be gone if possible.
