Okay, you blew it, but you know that. You're such a smart guy. You KNOW so much. What's stopping you from doing it?
I wonder if you think if you just keep telling her how different you are, how angry you're not, how much responsibility you take, she'll get it.
You're an organizer, aren't you? Do you make lists? spreadsheets for projects? You've got a great intellectual handle on this stuff. You've done so much work, and you so want her to see you the way you see you now. But you keep acting differently from what you're claiming about yourself. Have you changed enough that you trust it's obvious? I'm not convinced.
Working on detaching again. Got a little emotionally twisted with finally moving out. Know it's the right thing, but still hit harder than I thought it would.
Being out of the house is going to be huge. Already feel more relaxed. Plus, my first very own place. Kind of cool.
Have a good weekend, everyone. Going to play house and do something fun with my girls over the weekend.
Puddle, you'll appreciate this, actually made a 'i should put duct tape over my mouth' comment to my W yesterday. You are soooooo right.
BD
Last edited by Heimlich; 09/14/0708:33 PM.
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
She said I could understand why you would be hurt and angry, but we're just talking as friends.
I went off a little again, "you talk to everyone but me and I just can't help but thinking that if you had talked to ME -- not him, or your mom, or anya or amy -- but to ME, then we might not be here. I still think we could be a good couple and have a good marriage."
You realize that you just blamed HER for your M being where it is, right? You are being reactive, my friend, and YOU KNOW that isn't good for anyone.
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I said that I know, I realize that at times over the years I've been dismissive and arrogant. I didn't mean to be and I really want to talk to you. I love the sound of your voice. I love talking to you. I respect and value your opinion and always have. I realize now that you were trying and that you told me in bits and pieces over the last year what I needed to hear, but you didn't tell me directly.
With the drop of that last line -- "BUT you didn't tell me directly" -- you destroyed all of the other blame/fault that you were attempting to take for the breakdown of the M. You simply cannot validate her feelings and then drop the "buts" on such validations. It makes your validations invalid when you do.
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I also understand that I didn't change or give you reason to stick around. For that, I apologize. I was an idiot. But I know better now, I realize the mistakes that I made and know that we could have a great marriage, better than before. 4 months ago, I realize now, there's no way we ever could have been happy. We can now.
Telling her but not SHOWING her, Heim. You must exercise the water off a duck's back technique. If you're going to confront her about things at this point, you should expect and accept the worst as a result. This is not the time, bro. Patience and tranquility, my friend. You cannot force her to see things your way by telling her things are different, especially when you're not showing her well enough by doing things like this. You feel like it is right, but if you'll reflect on it I think you'll realize that it isn't.
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I said, why not call me instead next time? I'm funny. I can be sensitive.
Translation: Let me tell you what you should do because it makes ME feel better and more secure when you do this...
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I don't really blame her for talking to OM over the summer, again, I really did have my head up my buttocks about a lot of things. Now I don't.
It simply hasn't been long enough for her Heim, esp when you sit there like a puppy dog, wagging your tail and saying, "Look at me? See how good I'm being? See my changes? Don't you like me now that I'm better? See how much better I am? Show me you love me now that I'm better!" You need to have PATIENCE, and let go of what you cannot control, man. Whether you realize it or not, your confining her to a box and stifling her. Yes it sucks, but you can't control it. If you can't stand her doing it, tell her you don't want to save the M anymore because of it. Don't address it until you're sure you don't want to try anymore. I before you do it, exercise that 48 hr rule and make sure you're not being reactive.
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Also, felt good to stand up for myself. A lot of times I wouldn't/didn't, so it's been good for her to see this side of me again.
This is not the time to stand up for yourself about something you can't control -- that time is during reconciliation. Doing what you did by calling her shows clingyness, pursuing, neediness, etc. All of those things you are NOT suppose to do.
Also, why would it be good for her to see this side of you again under these circumstances? I have to strongly disagree with that statement.
Dig deep for that strength, wisdom, and reflection when you're hit with something that causes you to buckle and waiver. You must keep a clear head and weather those emotional storms. You're better than this, Heim -- act on what you KNOW is the right thing to save your M right now.
Take care of yourself and good luck with the place!
Thanks, GD. Between you, Nugget, and Puddle, I really needed that. Not having to go "home" (the house) tonight, I already feel less stressed. I know I know better, I just snapped.
All that said, there was teeny, tiny plus in this: she's started to really tell me how she feels, often via email and usually negative, but honest emotion. That's new. She did that again today. I validated and didn't blame at all.
She also called me last night and did want to just chit-chat for a few minutes, that was also new (even though I was stupid and didn't see it for what it was at the time).
Puppy dog comment hit home. Had the same thought about myself. Not a pleasant image nor one that I want to project.
Time to go get the girls, join a gym, and try a new chinese restaurant with them.
Have a good weekend everyone,
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
H, that is indeed a big plus that she is starting to open up to you a bit. Make sure to take mental notes of what she says, so you can work on it or remember not to repeat it.
Moving out can indeed take some of the stress of the R, but it by no means is any easier. You will miss her like you never imagined. You will not be able to interact with her in person daily. Also one thing to watch out for is bottling up all you frustrations and then spewing them all over her in a verbal vomit when you do get to see her in person. What I mean by this is right now you are backsliding a little here and a little there. But, after your are away from each other for longer periods of time IF/when you backslide chances are they will be more intense, more emotional and MORE DAMAGING. YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THEM UNDER CONTROL. Trust me, I have already been in your shoes.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
H I know where you are right now in your head. Its like we are all living through the various stages with each other. This is very good advice from Nuggs, the missing part seems to get worse for a while and you can become vulnerable to random attacks as I did last night.
Tell you what, I will mark your thread for email postings so if you need someone to get back to you immediately cuz your about to freak, I will be there, deal?
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
