Ugh. It just makes me sad. I'm so sorry he is making you crazy and saying hurtful things. I empathize with you. You do ask good questions: how do we ever forgive and forget the hurtful remarks? I don't know. I'm still dealing with that, and I'm not even reconciling.
I hate to sound like a broken record but there really won't be anything YOU can do about how your husband feels. He's going to make choices; I hope they end up being good ones. They might not be. But it sounds like he is very indecisive, which benefits you. At least he isn't running out the door whether you can afford it or not.
I think coming here for support is a great plan. And you do sound like you have it together; it isn't easy, I know. Keep being detached, because he seemed to respond well to this. Let him come to you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
