Trying to get WAW back

[Sara]

We just worry about you Dave. We do mean well.

[Dom R]

Dave... I hear what you are saying. I respect your intentions.
I dont think that you are making your actions the best fit for your intentions, though.
This is why:

you say she's been "struggling with her problems" for 15 years.
What makes you think she's going to somehow successfully deal with them, in a month? or two months?

What kind of problems are they? What is she doing to actually deal with them now, that she wasnt before?
It would be good to know, so that you can get the best advice from folks here. but just going in the dark here, i'm guessing that it will take 1 to 2 YEARS, for her to get a decent grip on her problems. Meanwhile, your children will suffer from living apart from you for years.

Right now my W doesn't want to spend time with me. She wants space. She'll get space.

Dave.. she can have "space", while still living in the same house.
(heck, wait until your son is a teenager. you'll see him maybe once a week if you're lucky. ha ha )

After all, if there's no trust then why would we even bother with this M.

You're going at it backwards, Dave. cart before the horse, and all that. People shouldnt "stay married, for only as long as you trust someone". Rather, if you are committed to a marriage, you WORK, at building/maintaining trust with your spouse! Trust is earned, and maintained.
Your wife is not committed, therefore there is no reasonable expectation of trust. However, that should not be a barrier for you to continue working on your marriage.

There's no trust after adultery, for example. But many couples choose to rebuild their marriage, and thus eventually rebuild trust, after they decide to recommit to each other.

side comment:

If she wants to prepare my son then she could've just told him we are separated.

That's how YOU would have handled it. however that's not how a caring mother handles it. She's preparing him in her own way, rather than your way. and it's actually the gentler way from a certain perspective. First, you get them used to living separately. Then you say, "well son, your father and I are now officially divorced. we're going to stay the way we are right now".
That way, there is a big stress hit about "the D word", but there isnt a double stressor about their living situation changing. That's already been dealt with.


Telling him up front == "massive anxiety about what's going to happen, and fear of the unknown".
Telling him after defacto separation == "things are just going to continue the way they are".

This is the way that women deal with it, if their husbands will actually go along with it.

[DaveJ]

I know Sara. I do appreciate everyone's thoughts. I am just as frustrated with the situation. Unfortunately I am powerless. I just have to wait the W out. Hopefully she'll be appreciative in the end that I stood by her and gave her space to work through her issues.

My W really is a very genuine and down to earth person person. One of the many reasons why I love her. The EA w/ her xBF was complicated. She never had closure with him before we got married. So it was easy for him to just step in at the critical times of our marriage. She knows that she has no future with him and assured me that nothing will happen with him. So I will trust her to that. She is not interested in looking around for other people. That was just an isolated incident. I just need to have faith in her, in me, and hopefully God will see me through this.

I made an appt w/ my doctor next Wednesday. Hopefully they can give me some stuff for my random anxiety. I am so sick and tired of waking up way early every morning full of anxiety and then get random mini panic attacks throughout the day for no reason. I'm not even obsessing over anything sometimes. I really think I'm just having a very hard time being isolated from my W since I am very emotionally attached to her.

[DaveJ]

Dom, my W has eating disorder and emotional eating issues. She has been fighting bulimia for a long time. She seems to be getting a grip on that ATM. She has always avoided dealing with the issues. She is reading up on that now and trying to face them finally. She also has major self confidence issues and is very negative in viewing her self image. She's trying to change her thinking. She let herself go after our S. Now she seems to be planning on eating better and started excercizing again. She's making baby step progress. It will be a long struggle but she will get there. I told her that she should seriously consider letting me home after she gets past some of her problems so we can work together on our problems. I'll give her a couple months and see. I'll also poke her about Retrouvaille that's happening mid november in october. So I guess I'll give a bit time, give her space and quit slipping and then see what happens.

[Sara]

You are right, Retrouvaille would be very good. It is a low pressure time to think about your lives past, present and future. Someone here accused me of endorsing a brain-washing program!!! That is hogwash. Retrouvaille is a peaceful time and place for self-examination. No one suggests to you what you should conclude. But it is assumed that you have a desire to improve your marriage.

[Dom R]

Thank you for sharing that, Dave.

Unfortunately, I think that nothing you wrote, detracts from what I wrote.
In no way does kicking you out of the home, help her with bullimia.
What it DOES do, is stop you seeing what she's doing.
For example, if she's actually doing worse with bullimia, or continuing her EA.

Also, it is CLASSIC behaviour, that the spouse fixes themselves up physically, when they get involved with someone (or in this case, possibly re-involved with someone.

I told her that she should seriously consider letting me home after she gets past some of her problems

From the little I know about bulimia.. you never "get past it". It's like alchoholism. You can get it "under control", but it's never "not an issue". She will probably struggle with it during times of stress, for the rest of her life.

She's fixing herself up all right.. but she's doing it to be with other people, I'm guessing.


When people have problems... ESPECIALLY women... which do they more commonly do? shut themselves off from everyone? or go to one or two people they feel close to?

If she's shutting you out, then she's probably letting someone else IN, to help her get through this.
Any females wanna back me up on that?

If you just stand aside right now, then she's going to come out of this with someone else as "her hero, who helped her conquer bulimia", and she's going to have a bond with him that will last years in gratittude for that.
Years that you will lose with your children, if you ever manage to recover your marriage after that. You may recover your marriage, but you will never get back the time you are missing with your children right now.

You are so afraid of what is going to happen if you move back.
In my opinion, you should be more afraid of what is going to happen if you dont.
You will lose your relationship with your children, AND lose your marriage as well.

If you move back, then, worst case, she will divorce you just like she is probably already planning to do. but at minimum, you will salvage your relationship with your children.
Right now, all they see is that you are abandoning them to their mother. You have moved out away from them.

Children are very simple. You can try to explain with words all you want, but what they really internalize, are your actions, and that you dont live with them any more

[DaveJ]

Well, all I know is I have a chance to salvage the M if I wait it out. If I move back in, it's over. I will take my chances. In the long term the kids will be alright. And she is not going with somebody else. She shutting me out is probably mostly my fault. I probably had the chance of staying at home and working it out. I didn't know DB back then and messed it up royally by talking about R all the time. She has extreme anxiety about it. Heck, I still slip and that's the major cause. I'm doing better slowly. Hopefully that will alleviate her anxiety and eventually allow me to move back in.

I do understand that eating disorder is a life long struggle. However, if she can get more confidence it is easier to control. I also need her to be confident when facing with dealing of our issues. If she is down and depressed, we have no chance of ever overcoming anything.

My wife is very independent. She has a mind of her own and she wants to work out things on her own. Anyways, we'll have to see where this goes. I'm trying to keep this M Dom. I'll be separated from the kids and be a part time parent if a D happens so what's the difference from now? At least this way I have a chance to prevent it from happening.

[Sara]

Dave,

I applaud your confidence in your decisions. I know it is hard, especially with us coming on and second guessing you. In the end it is for you to do what you think is best. And I see your strength in doing that.

Best wishes.

(((DaveJ)))

[DaveJ]

Sara, thanks. Confidence, not so sure, stubborn, yes. :P It's not bad to get a different perspective. But I just know I'm doing the right thing. And if it ends up just the W being a happier person and nothing else then so be it. I love her and I want her to be happy. If she decides that she can't be happy with me then not much I can do about it. In the end I love and care enough about her to let her choose her happiness. I know I'm a good person, a good father, and can be a great husband to her. If she can't see that and can't forgive me for my dumb mistakes then it would just be too bad.... In the meantime I can only do what I can and show her that I'm the person she wants to be with and should be with.

[Sara]

DaveJ,

I hope she can see you for the kind and generous person that you are.