The View From the Bottom

[hopefloats7]

Hi everyone.

Thanks for all of the well wishes. They mean a lot.

Things are ok. I still have my down days and they come out of left field. Like yesterday. I just broke down and had a good cry. I know inside that my H wishes he could take back all the terrible things that he did and said, but reality tells him it would never work between us. I think a part of me feels the same way, but I'm still sad.

I did speak to him earlier this week. He's still a negative person. What I mean is, he's always sounding down or p*ssed off. Never upbeat or happy whatsoever. Complains about everything. Still isn't eating properly and still feels sick most of the time, from what he says.

Next week he closes on the house so that will also be lost. I know it's weighing on my mind a lot. It was the first home we ever owned and it was adorable. After moving around so often due to his careers, I was so pleased to have a home base of our own. To think of someone else there doesn't seem right. And believe me, they are getting a prize; we put a lot into that place.

I'll share something interesting. I recently found a printed out email from H that dates back 2 years ago. This was when he was still with ow, and he'd been living away from home for a few months. The email was about how he did not wish to lie about his "relationship" with her anymore, and he talked alot about his feelings, etc. to me. I should be fair and tell you, he did not blame me nor did he say ow was better than me; in fact he made it a point to say she wasn't better---just different. Well, it struck me that I needed H to read it for himself because he had told me last weekend that he does not recall how he felt or what he said back then; that he was in a very different state of mind. I want him to take a look at himself. I'm sure there will be those who would advise me not to do this, but my inner voice said to send it. I attached a note saying I'd found this and though he should read it to see what was happening between us back then. He may never mention it to me, or he might. If he does, I will update.

I'm keeping myself busy and things are good. But yes, I still get sad. I don't like it, but it happens. I know I have to eventually tell myself, "enough" and stop letting this eat away at me. I'm trying.