She said I could understand why you would be hurt and angry, but we're just talking as friends.
I went off a little again, "you talk to everyone but me and I just can't help but thinking that if you had talked to ME -- not him, or your mom, or anya or amy -- but to ME, then we might not be here. I still think we could be a good couple and have a good marriage."
You realize that you just blamed HER for your M being where it is, right? You are being reactive, my friend, and YOU KNOW that isn't good for anyone.
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I said that I know, I realize that at times over the years I've been dismissive and arrogant. I didn't mean to be and I really want to talk to you. I love the sound of your voice. I love talking to you. I respect and value your opinion and always have. I realize now that you were trying and that you told me in bits and pieces over the last year what I needed to hear, but you didn't tell me directly.
With the drop of that last line -- "BUT you didn't tell me directly" -- you destroyed all of the other blame/fault that you were attempting to take for the breakdown of the M. You simply cannot validate her feelings and then drop the "buts" on such validations. It makes your validations invalid when you do.
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I also understand that I didn't change or give you reason to stick around. For that, I apologize. I was an idiot. But I know better now, I realize the mistakes that I made and know that we could have a great marriage, better than before. 4 months ago, I realize now, there's no way we ever could have been happy. We can now.
Telling her but not SHOWING her, Heim. You must exercise the water off a duck's back technique. If you're going to confront her about things at this point, you should expect and accept the worst as a result. This is not the time, bro. Patience and tranquility, my friend. You cannot force her to see things your way by telling her things are different, especially when you're not showing her well enough by doing things like this. You feel like it is right, but if you'll reflect on it I think you'll realize that it isn't.
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I said, why not call me instead next time? I'm funny. I can be sensitive.
Translation: Let me tell you what you should do because it makes ME feel better and more secure when you do this...
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I don't really blame her for talking to OM over the summer, again, I really did have my head up my buttocks about a lot of things. Now I don't.
It simply hasn't been long enough for her Heim, esp when you sit there like a puppy dog, wagging your tail and saying, "Look at me? See how good I'm being? See my changes? Don't you like me now that I'm better? See how much better I am? Show me you love me now that I'm better!" You need to have PATIENCE, and let go of what you cannot control, man. Whether you realize it or not, your confining her to a box and stifling her. Yes it sucks, but you can't control it. If you can't stand her doing it, tell her you don't want to save the M anymore because of it. Don't address it until you're sure you don't want to try anymore. I before you do it, exercise that 48 hr rule and make sure you're not being reactive.
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Also, felt good to stand up for myself. A lot of times I wouldn't/didn't, so it's been good for her to see this side of me again.
This is not the time to stand up for yourself about something you can't control -- that time is during reconciliation. Doing what you did by calling her shows clingyness, pursuing, neediness, etc. All of those things you are NOT suppose to do.
Also, why would it be good for her to see this side of you again under these circumstances? I have to strongly disagree with that statement.
Dig deep for that strength, wisdom, and reflection when you're hit with something that causes you to buckle and waiver. You must keep a clear head and weather those emotional storms. You're better than this, Heim -- act on what you KNOW is the right thing to save your M right now.
Take care of yourself and good luck with the place!
