Calystra -- I'm so psyched for all the progress you guys have made! I'd love it if you could find time to share what you're learning about communicating with H.
Alright, this is definitely something I can do for you guys! I want to warn you beforehand that my C is heavily into the concept of family dynamics and how our families taught us how to interact/behave.
My H told me that when we are discussing something, I have a manner of speaking that always makes him feel like he has to defend himself. He finds himself trying to form his words to do just that and since he's a conflict-avoider, most of the time he would rather just give in or stop the conversation rather than try to defend himself against what I'm saying.
My C started asking me how things worked in my family and especially with my mom as we had already highlighted her as a target problem more than my father. My dad is more understanding and supportive by far. After a few good questions by the C and thinking about it for a while, I realized that my mom is one of those people who always has to be right. Her way or the highway. She is very assertive, very aggressive and very argumentative. Growing up I was always scolded for interrupting conversations but she didn't realize that to get a word in edgewise, I had to interrupt.
So, to get my needs met, I learned how to be assertive, aggressive and argumentative right back. This means that when H and I discuss things, I display these traits and he's right - I am being aggressive/argumentative and essentially asking him to defend himself. But he's not my mother so he reacts differently.
Because these traits of mine are so ingrained, it's really hard to break out of this style of talking. When in the middle of conversations, my H finds it very difficult to speak up and tell me I'm being this way. He is afraid of 2 things I think... hurting my feelings and that I might not care about his feelings and keep doing what I'm doing. During the C session I told him that it's great when he does this because it's such an unconscious thing on my part, it snaps me out of it. I think that he will try harder to tell me now that he knows it helps me.
But the important part is that not only does he bring it to my attention - I know how (from DB'ing) to interact with him in a better manner that's more comfortable for him. I listen, I shut my mouth, I validate!
The second thing that's hard for him to do is bring up his needs. I really struggle with speaking his love language because it doesn't come naturally to me at all. He told me the other day that his love tank was getting low and I didn't even realize that I hadn't been filling it because I was feeling so good from having mine full. (Quality time comes pretty naturally to both of us so I'm the lucky one, I think.) He feels that it cheapens things if he has to tell me because I immediately try to work on it and I think he feels the effort is less than genuine... and then I start to forget again... which reinforces the fact that it wasn't genuine and lasting... and we're in this vicious circle.
The C told us that at first it will be difficult for me to do because it's not something that comes naturally - like picking up a new sport... you don't know how to do it right away but after some practice you get really good. She said that he might have to help me out for a while but after I practice more and more, I should get really good at it and then we can take the training wheels off. I think he's ok with that.
And the last thing my H has a problem with is bringing up bad feelings. He's not only afraid of my reaction, he's afraid of hurting me. My C explained to him that it is my decision whether or not to be hurt by something he says. He does not have the power to hurt me, I only have the power to let him hurt me - and I have to give up the power and make the decision if I'm going to allow something he's said to hurt or not. I think he liked that concept too but I don't know if it will make things easier for him or not.
One thing that will make things easier for him is my reaction to anything he says. It's important to him that I control my reaction and emotions and try to understand what he's saying and validate his feelings. This is something I try to do but I'm going to struggle with. Well, for most things I won't have a problem but I think there are cases where I sometimes just can't control my reaction nor should I necessarily be expected to. For example, when he told me about the A... but that's over with now so I'm running on the assumption that he will never have to tell me something that painful ever again.
I want to warn you beforehand that my C is heavily into the concept of family dynamics and how our families taught us how to interact/behave.
