S_O_T_S, thanks for all of that. I do know I need to step back, remember I'll be okay, detach, etc, etc, but its hard sometimes, and good to be reminded. I appreciate you taking to the time to, and to give me things to think about, too.
weird day. the kids have been at each others throats all day...just one of those days, can't even blame it on the moon. I went to the gym this morning solely so I could have some peace for an hour. lol. then when I picked up S5 from kindergarten, I took them all to a movie, again for the (relative) peace. they had a blast, we were the only ones in the theatre, so I let them run around a bit. they were sooo excited.
I feel bad that I'm so frustrated with them today, since H will be picking them up shortly, and I know I'll be very sad to see them go. but I'm almost (gasp) glad for a bit of a break tonight/tomorrow. see, silver linings. don't get me wrong, I'll miss them, but I need a little me time to refresh/recharge.
need to be strong. H is on his way over now to get them, and I'm already slightly irritated...don't want that to come across, don't want to get into any big discussions, don't want to get weepy about the state of our relationship. yeah, I'm still there. will get over it, but boy, I really did lose a lot of the detachment I had going for me. hopefully this weekend will help me regain it.
I think I'm bummed about bonus this year. every sept, he gets a nice bonus and its a good chunk of change to play around with. A lot of it is spoken for (insurance stuff, etc, but usually there are some nice extras...last year we got new kitchen furniture, took a vacation, that kind of thing. was hoping to give a good bump to the college funds this year). this time, I don't get to allocate much of it, since I need to reserve it for the possibility of divorce. I need the lawyer money set aside so I don't have to think about it...that's what I put into the ing acct. that and the twins preschool stuff. don't want to mess with that. so I'll pay the boring stuff, buy some new clothes that I need, but nothing else. I hate this. I hate not being able to plan. I mean, I suppose I could go ahead and plan out the divorce, right? but I don't want to, so that's not going to happen until I am 100% ready, or until he is (more likely).
anyway, I think that's why I'm in a bit of a mood. that, combined with the re-attachment.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
