Trying to get WAW back

[Dom R]

Hi again Dave,


Sorry if the following sounds a bit harsh. I'm writing with a sense of urgency, because I really dont want your family to suffer through a divorce. or even a long separation. It is a horrible thing to do to your children.
I think that now, is another pivotal point for you to make a decision.
Please keep that in mind if you read the rest of this post.

Ok. I did pretty good most of the week. Had a really bad day yesterday. Real bad anxiety about being separated from the kids if a divorce happens.

The best way to handle anxiety, aka fear, is to have a plan.

The rest of this post, is an attempt to rationally look at possibilities, and then suggest possible plans for you.


First, and to me most likely, possibility:
I'm guessing that your wife is getting herself in shape, so that she can date other men. Now that you've left the house, she is probably feeling the freedom that she can do that. This is why she made the comment that she's not missing YOU.. she's missing "companionship". She's now going to go get herself some "companionship".

She claims she "hasnt figured out if that's what she's missing".
I think the translation of this is, she hasnt yet figured out if she's going to REALLY go out looking for a date. She hasnt "crossed that line" yet.

SO, you still have a teeny tiny amount of time to possibly change your own behaviour, to give her an incentive to do otherwise.
You may choose to just stand back, and watch her go ahead and do so.
That is certainly a choice you could make. Before you make that choice, though... again, you should sit down and rationally analyze the facts

Go read agent99's thread. Her husband moved out, basically so that he could try out dating other people. She was being great to him, but he was being a schmuck and still wondering if "he could do better".
He realized that he had a good thing, and seems to be in the process of coming back, after dating a few people.

YOU, unfortunately, are in a very different situation.
Your wife has been "dropping bombs" on you for a long time now, according to your sig line. She's been looking to get out of your marriage for quite a while now. She wants out. and she wants out, specifically because she is unhappy with you and your marriage.
Is that a fair assessment?
If so... what kind of incentive does she have to invite you back?

My guess is that there is a high probability that she's looking to make this separation a trial run, for how things will be like if she finally pulls the trigger and divorces.
She isnt doing ANYTHING that indicates she is honestly even considering reconciliation with you. That's why you have such high levels of anxiety: becuase you can sense that.
Am I correct?

I'm guessing that she is currently convinced that divorce is where she wants to go, and it is "best" for your children. That's why she made the comment, reguarding your son,
"she thinks he's ok and will adjust."

You previously argued that if you didnt get out when she told you to, she would divorce you.

let's rationally analyze the facts we have at hand.
Has she given you any sign whatsoever, (by her actions, not just some strategic words to get you off her back), that she does NOT intend to divorce you right now?
In contrast, has she given you any sign that she DOES intend to divorce you?
(I'd say yes: preparing your son to "adjust" to living separately... getting herself in shape, now that you are no longer around to benefit from it... any others?)


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plan 1

You wrote a few days ago,

S4 said to me today "Daddy, please stay home. I miss you".

My advice to you is: listen to your son. Move back in to YOUR HOME.

I know that this seems to be almost crazy right now. Yet the problem is.. the longer you wait to do this, the more difficult it will be to move back.

Right now, you have a plausible "excuse" for moving back: your son has been begging you to move back, and stay in your home with him.
You can honestly say, that you didnt fully realize how difficult this separation would be on your children (or yourself!) and that you now believe the right thing to do is for you to move back in.

This situation will be incredibly difficult.
But none of the other choices you have in front of you are particular "easy" either.

I think you could avoid getting into fights while living with her.. by simply shutting your mouth. literally. Smile at her. but dont bring ANYTHING up. Speak only when spoken to. or when it is absolutely required for you to ask her a question about something immediately relevant to your family.
She will probably try to start fights with you. But the thing is, it takes two to fight. You have the power to not "engage" with her in fights.
If you want suggestions on how to deal with that, then post about it, and I'm sure you will get some help in that area.


plan 2
If you are not going to take care of your children that way, then another potential plan, would be to give your wife a real taste of what she is looking for.
Figure out a custody schedule, and then stop going to see her. Be with your children instead.

This would accomplish multiple things:

1. It would stop you from getting into arguments with her, since you'd be around her less
2. it would focus your time with your children to be on them, rather than her
3. it would give her a more accurate view of what being divorced would be like. Presuming you actually DO want part-time custody of your children. If you dont, then you should mention this, because it changes things a lot.


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The final plan choice that I can see for you would be:
Keep doing exactly what you are doing, stay out of your wife's way, and let her keep your children and your house.
Do you really plan to just stay out of the way until your wife has gone dating for a while, and then hope that she will decide to choose you, instead of her new interest?

Compare and contrast: in agent99's situation, her husband ENJOYED spending time with her. he decided to stop dating other people, because he enjoyed spending time with her more than spending time with other women that he dated.
Does your wife enjoy spending time with you? If not, then it seems illogical that she's going to choose coming back to you in the same way.

I would suggest you choose a different plan.