Do wonders never cease?...

[Yoyowife]

Saffie,
You have come a very long way. You have become the strong and caring lady that a lot of people admire.

Hugs, Yoyo

PS I'm sure Theo did stump him with his questions! I don't think I've ever met a smarter person! Well, not actually met him, but you know what I mean. LOL

[saffie]

Theo is an exceptionally intelligent man. I would love to meet him and try to understand him better. There are not many people I am truly in awe of, (although there are many I respect - especially on these boards), but Theo is someone I really am in awe of. The only other two people I have felt like that about are my H - who made a conscious decision NOT to get a first when taking his degree because he didn't want to get locked into academia which often happened in his chosen field, (Operational Research), and one of the partners in Deloittes who I worked for who was such an amazing man. I have often been told that I am super intelligent - but I hide it extremely well!!!! Hope must be very bright to be an actuary!!!!

Unfortunately being academically bright is absolutely no guarantee of happiness - infact I would even go as far as to say it leads to more sorrow.

Saffie

[theoden]

Yoyo and Saffie,

You flatter me. Kindness and love overflowing from 2 amazing ladies.

Saffie -- I am giddy that you are past that horror of a year ago when you tried to end you life. Such a beautiful and giving life. We have been blessed by you here.

When I met my wife, and for most of our marriage, I was not self-aware. I let my head get in the way of my heart.

Not anymore. I want to feel and live with passion.

I want to pour out love and make my woman blossom.

Uh-oh -- I'm sounding like a dime-store novel.

--theoden

[saffie]

Uh-oh -- I'm sounding like a dime-store novel.

There are many more things that are worse than that........................not that they come to mind at the moment LOL

Saffie

[SueS]

I let my head get in the way of my heart.

Not anymore. I want to feel and live with passion.
--theoden

Theo......teach me please?? For me, I've been told that I over think things.....I second guess myself when I'm usually right.....I'm afraid to just, as you put it, feel & live with passion. I want to be that person, especially now with a D3. I want her to experience things and not to always be afraid of what "might" happen.

SueS

[theoden]

SueS,

That's a hard process.

I think in my case:

I was dealing with depression.

I had to learn to combat nrgative thoughts.

My authentic self was buried in people pleasing (still is.

Part of it is fear

Part of it is insecrity

Part of it is not feeling comfortable in your own skin.

THere's a book with excellent online free testing called Authentic Happiness. Get it. IT's excellent.

Frankly, the best person to talk to would be a sound cognitive, behavioral therapist.

[SueS]

Theo....

Thanks so much. I'll get the book. I've been looking for something to read. I've been looking through book stores in the self-help section....books about self-confidence....etc.

I put a check mark beside everything that you said.....

I have to say that I admit to seeing everything on your list in me.

Thanks again for the book recommendation. I will get it.

SueS

[theoden]

My pleasure.

I stuggle with this alot too.

The fear of being numb inside.

[lovelyolive]

Update: Had the big R convo last evening. Well.. it actually ended up not being so big except that I had the chance to share some very personal stuff that I had never talked to him about during our entire marriage. Sadly, it made him question me on why I couldn't share that stuff with him before. Why I had never trusted him enough.

From a person who's head also has gotten in the way of their heart in the past, it feels like the world is falling in when your heart starts coming first. My ic says I'm "thawing". It's a bit overwhelming at times...

As for talk about the A, oddly enough, I don't think H understood how much pain his every day contact causes me and rips my heart apart. But, I ask myself, how could that be?.. How could he not get it? I think experiencing my raw emotions while we talked about it was good for him.

In the end, nothing seemingly has changed and we were interrupted before any talk of D came up. We told each other how much we love each other and want the other to be happy. H keeps saying how much he wants to have that "connection" with me and not someone else and yet is unwilling to give up the ow. We are at a stalemate and what can we do now but end our M?? Conversation for another day I guess.

[Hope_11]

We are at a stalemate and what can we do now but end our M??

I think that there are many other things that you can do besides head to divorce, but I think continue living like you are right now is not an option. As the DB book says, if you don't get results, do something different. I don't think I am in the place to give advice. Maybe someone else who is still married and living with an ongoing A could help (Yoyo, Theo?). Take care of yourself and hang in there.