I have been reflecting on that rather ugly conversation with W yesterday.
W does not view my handling of S6's sickness very positively at all. She feels I was being stupid and arrogant in making decisions about S6's health without consulting with her. The fact that I did not call her until much later (this all happened before 6:30 in the early morning, BTW) she finds upsetting. If I felt it serious enough to go to the store for S6's stomach, then I should have gone to the Emergency Room instead, otherwise I should have stayed put and called her. She feels that I was negligent (once again) and that this represents yet more irresponsible behavior on my part, such that she questions whether I should be allowed to have any role in our S's lives. I apologized and admitted that it was a mistake to try to handle it all on my own before I notified her, and that was just a an error in judgment on my part. To be honest, she had neglected to call her own sons, as promised, the evening before, so I was indeed a bit upset with her already and thought if she did not care enough to call her sons the evening before, then she was too uninvolved with us to be concerned with S6's condition the following morning. Admittedly, I realize that maybe I was subconsciously punishing her for her callous behavior the night before. It is a mistake I should have not made.
She still insists that her relationship with OM did not occur ( implying it would not have happened otherwise) until I killed her love for her. I get the feeling from W that her obstinate (semi-admitted) lack of forgiveness means she is unlikely to ever recognize the error in her judgment.
The spew about the bank accounts reflects her lack of respect for me and her belief that I am incompetent and irresponsible. She conveniently forgets that for many years before we married and for the first few years of the marriage, I managed all of the bills and finances all by myself, just fine. Yet she treats me now like I'm an idiot.
Despite the painful backslide with the W yesterday, I did manage to glean a few tidbits of information that W did not realize she was inadvertently communicating to me. With her losing her own cool, she made some statements that allow one to really read between the lines.
She expressed a great amount of disappointment in my behavior since the separation. She said that all these activities I keep trying to participate in and stay so busy in (my GAL activities) were just not "me". She said I was being so very selfish in only thinking about myself all the time. She also feels that this is just some ploy on my part, that these are all activities just to "get her attention", and that annoys her greatly, especially (I noted) the Country Western Dancing. She said that the dancing is just not who I am. She expressed disdain for the entertainment and dance hall complex where I take these lessons, that it was not a very admirable place to be (she hates smoking and drinking -- habits I gave up a long, long time ago, BTW) and the only reason she had ever gone herself was to be with her girlfriends. She said she wouldn't choose to go there herself otherwise, and could not understand why I have now decided to regularly go there myself.
She also said all this effort and expense (bought a new four-person tent) to get back into camping was foolish and another attempt to get her attention. Previously, she had said it was a great idea for me and the S's, but now she feels it is something I am doing more for myself than for them. She said that despite my claims to be trying to change myself, she believes I am still being my old selfish self and doing these things for no one else but me. And she says that it just convinces her more that I can never really change.
I am a bit torn by her opinion as expressed concerning my GAL. Okay, she apparently is indeed noticing, despite my going (mostly) dark. I guess that is good. But is it backfiring?
I now know she is definitely mining S6 for information about me and what I do. S6, bless his heart, is very candid and the last person you would ever tell a secret to, because he can't help but say something without even being asked. It doesn't take much to get him to "sing", as he volunteers what he hears automatically -- and he hears just about everything, he is so perceptive. Early on W accused me with actively, shaking S6 down for information about OM, but I had done no such thing. S6 began spontaneously talking about OM's 15-year old son as an older brother. So when I confronted W with that later, she threatened me to never again use our son to spy on her. So, I assured her I wouldn't -- and I have even, since then, stopped S6 from saying too much in front of me at times. Clearly though, she has created a double standard, and is willing to use any information she gets from S6 against me. When I still lived in our house, before the separation, the MIL was W's spy and propaganda minister. (The brutal character assassination by the MIL is going to be one of the most difficult things I would ever try to forgive. I am not ready for that yet.)
So, the GAL can indeed be noticed by a separated spouse.
Observation: W is really bothered by the thought of me carousing and dancing in public in a bar/nightclub setting. Admittedly, I have been coming to the conclusion that it really is not my cup of tea when stacked against all the other claims on my time and energies. And there are other GAL activities that will likely bear better fruit. But now I am beginning to think, if this is really having an effect on W, maybe I should continue to pursue this? The devilsh side of me thinks, hey, if this gets her gall, then by all means go ahead with it. But I want to do these things for me, not her. I also don't want to do things, or not do things, that might only confirm her stereotyping/pigeon-holing of me either.
W also expressed disappointment that I was pursuing all these "distractions" and not making wise use of this newfound personal time to utilize my "talents" (I like to paint/illustrate and I like to write fiction.) I am a bit surprised that someone who claims to have lost any love for me is so concerned about my well being all of a sudden. It has been a long time now since she was ever concerned with what I want to do with my own life. Since the A started, maybe for some time before, she had pretty much given me up for dead, and could have cared less whether I was wasting my life or not. I don't get it. But then we cannot trust anything the WAS says now, can we?
How much of this is genuine and how much of this is pure manipulation, I don't know.
