Growing up is hard to do

[always_14]

((( ps )))

I and many others here can vow that living with these guys in the middle of this mess is the most awful things you can go through.

I remember those days. I remember coming home and literally chugging 1-2 glasses of wine before H came home (which was anywhere from 11pm - 3am) just to calm myself down to function. I remember breaking down in a parking lot crying hysterically b/c my entire life was a lie.

I am proud of you for where you are now. The days are tough, but I have noticed you and the kids always seem to do better when H is not around.

Don't focus on him now....just on preserving you and the kids. Even when he's out, put some distance if that is what you need to back away from the yo-yo craziness. Get yourself together again and healthy for the kids. You need that.

You now know what we have all come to realize in some way...there is NOTHING you can do to help this along. You can try everything, doing X or not doing X...and it amounts to the same thing. So, don't live in fear, just live for you.

You're not looking forward to his return b/c it's marked with uneasy craziness...instability. But, think of it this way....when he returns, you will make decisions for you and the kids (nothing legal), to lessen that in your lives. I promise you, it will get better after that.

My love to you.

[peaceful_spirit]

H is coming home in a little bit and I'm a ball of nerves. He's been in Vegas since Sunday. I gave him the letter Sunday night and early Monday he left for Vegas. We spoke briefly yesterday. I TMd him today, "safe flight". Other than that, we have not communicated.

Today was a hard day. I have these flashes of memories that are like daggars through my heart. I am thinking about the trip to DIsney just a month ago. It hurts. It hurts that we were happy at that time, and now it's come to this again.

I felt myself going soft again today. I'm playing out all these conversations in my head about what we'll say to each other. I am also starting to think the reality of what this will do to my kids. Then I start to feel responsible... like I have the power to keep my family together for my kids, but I'm not. That is what really kills me.

I am nervious for him to come home.

[peaceful_spirit]

Oh, I feel like [censored]. H got home. Played with the kids. Then we talked.

Basically, he's back to the whole, "we couldn't make it work" crap again. He said he knows what he did and he knows what I did but that in the end our M was not repairable. That just sent me into tears.

He said something about how I was always snooping. I said that whether or not I snooped, the actions were still there. Whether or not I found that receipt, he was still in the city and lied about it.

He seems fine about moving out again. He said he's going to look for an appartment. I ended up crying a lot and doing most of the talking. He just stood there.

I feel like he isn't even upset about this. I just crashed. I was okay all week, and now I feel awful. I'm crying. I feel like he's just saying, "oh well, we couldn't make it work." I wish I saw regret. I wish he was upset about losing me.

I asked him if he was going to continue going to his C. He said he'll see how it goes. I said that I hope he continues to go, becuase if he doesn't then he's giving up on himself.

Oh, I feel bad. Just bad. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like i F-ed up. He said something about how I was saying that I wanted him to do things for me like bring me flowers, when he was just focused on trying not to revert back to his bad behavior. I said that I wish he had just told me that instead of saying he's fine. He said, "You know I hate talking about it". So, now I feel like if I had only known that I could have backed off. Instead, I put so much pressure on him to step up and to start meeting my needs in the M.

I guess I just hate the feeling that I was in any way responsible for us getting to this point. I want to tell myself that I did everything I could... and that at this point it's all his fault. But I may have pushed him too hard.

[censored]. This sucks.

[ShadesofGrey]

((((((ps))))))

I'm sorry for all that you are going through. You have already been through so much.

Your letter was beautiful, heartfelt and honest.

I feel like he isn't even upset about this. I just crashed. I was okay all week, and now I feel awful. I'm crying. I feel like he's just saying, "oh well, we couldn't make it work." I wish I saw regret. I wish he was upset about losing me.

Oh mamma I know this feeling all too well. I too would love to have seen/see emotion from my H. To see regret to see that he feels a loss too. I don't know if we will ever see this. It is something that we have to learn to let go. To not let it eat at you. How could they not feel regret and loss? We have been there wives, lovers, friend and mother to their children. Somewhere in them lurks our Hs and in that person regret and loss are found. The MLC monster has taken over for now and locked all that away. Remember, the MLC says they feel NOTHING. I have to believe that is true.

Please don't blame yourself for his inability to face reality. We all make mistakes but his choice to revert back to inappropriate behavior is just that HIS CHOICE. You didn't make him do it!

I guess I just hate the feeling that I was in any way responsible for us getting to this point. I want to tell myself that I did everything I could...

It sucks feeling responsible, partly, for reaching the point we have. I HATE that. I know I wasn't the perfect W and neither were you (no offense). No one is. We are all flawed people. There comes a point you reach when you have to save yourself and your children from direct heartache and suffering. When your H moves out there will probably still be heartache and pain but you will find more peace on your own right now it seems. You have done all you could do. Now it's time for you to step back and beathe deeply and center yourself again.

Much love to you.
Shades

p.s. if this doesn't make any sense it's because I'm drinking and typing.

[RealJourney]

Hi PS, Today I was busy with Rosh Hashanah stuff, and then this thought popped into my head that PS's H is coming home today and I better check the BB. It's 3 AM and I am sick as a dawg, so this post may not make any sense either. A lot of help we are tonight!

PS, please do not be so hard on yourself. These reconciliation attempts are giving you information. You have learned that your H is still in the fog, and that you have too much anxiety/trauma to lead the way when he is home with you. In reflecting on your actions, if you discover that you may have pushed him away, it's because you had to. You uncovered your limit and identified a need, and that is for your H to be further along in his development before you live together again.

His " I don't care attitude" is just a defense. It reminds me of my teenage daughter who loves tennis and recently tried out for the HS tennis team. She messed up on the first day of tryouts, and when I picked her up she informed me that she doesn't care about the whole thing and she is not going back for the remainder of the tryout matches. So we had the "you're not a quitter" talk and she got back on track. But this is where the analogy is different...I am a parent to my daughter and it's my role to provide her with direction and support. In an affair situation, you cannot do this for your H. He is going to have to find that inner voice within himself to step up and be a husband to you. This is hard for him because, from what it sounds like, he really didn't have the proper guidance growing up. And then he became lost and confused and entangled in crappy stuff. And we all empathize so much with the MLC plight, but at the end of the day, they all have this in common: rather than stepping up, they duck and run.

You can't mother him anymore. You can't analyze and fix this for him. So let him go. He needs to figure this out on his own and time will tell how things turn out. And you know what? I believe things turn out the way they are supposed to be ( sounds cliche but I really do feel this way).

You don't have to give up on him. You just have to be good to you.

So, deep breaths and lottsa hugggs to you, xoxoxo, Journey

[angelica]

PS - this is so hard. I agree with other posters, that the apparent uncaring is part of the mask they wear to hide the deep pain. But, until and unless he faces down those demons, instead of projecting it all onto you your marriage will be troubled.

He has to work through this stuff, and seeing him go again will be so hard. Hang on to the feelings of love and compassion you have for him. I always try and think lovingly of my h,even when he is being hurtful [not always successful at this = MLCers can be most provoking, like teenagers].

It will hurt terriblyat first, but you will feel better quicker than previous times, I think. Doesn't mean you won't still have the bad days.

You made a tough call, and have the guts to live with the outcome. If he takes the opprotunity to grow and sort himself, then you could have a great realtionship, but if not, it would always be flawed and damaged, and frankly PS you deserve better than that.

You are in my prayers A

[peaceful_spirit]

Shades,
It's so nice to hear from you! I miss you here in Jersey! I know I wasn't the perfect W. I know I played a significant role in him leaving the very first time. But I tried to fix all that was wrong. And in large part, I did. Nobody is perfect. It just sucks that these guys aren't mature enough to be okay with that.

RJ,
It means so much to me that you thought of me during your holiday and that you remembered the my H was coming home. You make some really good points. I guess I'm just not able to handle him home when he is still so messed up. I have a certain level of expectations that he is unable to meet. Yes, he's still in a fog. I just pray that he continues counseling. That is the only place he'll get that guidance. If not, I don't know if he'll ever come out of this mess.

But I know that I cannot live happily in a M with someone so flawed. I would rather live with the pain of losing him than the anxiety of living with him. I can handle pain. I can work through it. But anxiety is such a lack of control. That has been another learning for me.

Angelica,
I agree that if he can learn and grow from this, then that would be great. But if not, then I do deserve better. I need to hang onto that though whenever I start wondring if I did the right thing.

I think my H is relieved to be leaving again. I think it was too much pressure to be here. I had told him once about a month ago, that if he wanted to be with me, then I would expect more of him... I would expect him to be a better person than he's been.

I need to let him go and grow up all on his own. And if he can't, then need to just let him go, period.

[MissH]

(((((hugs))))) I don't have much to add because I think Shades, RJ and Angelica said it all.

I am sorry you are going thru this again. I wish I could take the pain away.

I need to let him go and grow up all on his own.

Yes, him leaving the house again will probably do you both good.

[princess_nic]

I know I wasn't the perfect W. I know I played a significant role in him leaving the very first time. But I tried to fix all that was wrong. And in large part, I did. Nobody is perfect. It just sucks that these guys aren't mature enough to be okay with that.

(((PS)))

I have had a hard time w/ this recently, too, going back and forth from blaming myself to blaming him. THe big difference btw us and our H's - to me - is that we were strong enough to change; we had the willingness and capacity, whereas they don't. PS, that is the key. You're right tnat no one is perfect; what's more important is that a person works to improve him/herself.

I wish you peace and love.

N

[Lissie]

Oh PS, I am not in the mood for all this crap today.

I hate that you are hurting, and I HATE that you have been such a good wife, and have tried so much, and yet.

They rather just run.

I am tired of it, and I am tired of seeing my friends hurt (sigh)

I am going to leave you with the same advice you gave me .

Remember, with each additional dose of pain, you are growing. With each dose of pain, God is teaching you something.... He is moving you further along on your journey.

You will find true happiness one day. You are already well on your way.

(((((((((((((PS)))))))))))))))