Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 5

[Heimlich]

Curiosity killed the cat OR Do two wrongs make a right?
[I love Rocky and Bullwinkle]

First, lighter matters:
1. WAW, what is SATC?
2. WAW, bad 80s action flicks. Man, boob shirts, thongs, bad movies -- if we weren't already married . . .
3. Puddle, I know, willing to do the work, but, man, am I tired
4. Love the TV. Watched MD and WV in glorious HD last night. Don't even like either team, was just enthralled with the picture. Kept flipping back and forth -- HD/regular and loving it.

Yesterday was cable setup and girls' bed delivery day. They were both off of school, so we were all in the apt. They entertained themselves (and later watched Narnia -- in high def, did I mention I love the TV?) and I worked. Brought my oldest to a friends house for a playdate and then stopped by the house to pick up my printer and check the mail. Well, the last joint cell phone bill was in there. You all know what comes next. I opened it. And looked. There were numerous calls to a number in Gaithersburg. It was the manufacturing facility where my W works. OM works in the manufacturing facility. I'm not a genius, but I rapidly put two and two together -- especially with multiple weekend calls over an hour long and numerous text messages. While she would have reason to call the facility, not at those times.

So, rule number 1 broken. Rule number two broken, the 48 hour rule. I called her. "Why are you calling your manufacturing facility on the weekend?" Dead silence. I don't remember all of what I said, but I was angry -- told her I felt like a fool, showing her attention and kindness while she's still talking to him. Honestly can't remember what I said, but I do know that I did not call her any names or say anything about her, but rather how I felt. I could tell she was a little upset, and just kindof hung up because she wasn't saying anything and I was getting worked up.

Put our youngest down in front of a movie back at my place and called her back to ask her if she could pick her up on the way to the house so that I could stay in the apt and clean it up a bit. She said, sure, was planning on that anyway. Thought you were staying at home tonight.

I replied, "honestly, I'm very hurt and angry right now and don't want to be at the house. Plus, i really do need to clean up around the apt."

She said I could understand why you would be hurt and angry, but we're just talking as friends.

I went off a little again, "you talk to everyone but me and I just can't help but thinking that if you had talked to ME -- not him, or your mom, or anya or amy -- but to ME, then we might not be here. I still think we could be a good couple and have a good marriage."

She said again that we need space and that I need time to know if I'm going to miss you. also that I have a hard time talkign to you.

I said that I know, I realize that at times over the years I've been dismissive and arrogant. I didn't mean to be and I really want to talk to you. I love the sound of your voice. I love talking to you. I respect and value your opinion and always have. I realize now that you were trying and that you told me in bits and pieces over the last year what I needed to hear, but you didn't tell me directly. I also understand that I didn't change or give you reason to stick around. For that, I apologize. I was an idiot. But I know better now, I realize the mistakes that I made and know that we could have a great marriage, better than before. 4 months ago, I realize now, there's no way we ever could have been happy. We can now.

She made another comment about space/needing time to miss me to which I agreed. We both discussed how we were all over each other a bit now, in the house. She repeated that she's just talking to him as a friend.

I said, why not call me instead next time? I'm funny. I can be sensitive.

Somewhere in there, I asked her based on one of her comments if the door were still open from her end. She said, I don't know (I think this was followed by the I need to see if I miss you comment).

Somewhere in there I also asked her to see me for who I am today, not who I was. She agreed that she is looking at me a little too much through how I used to be and acknowledged some changes in me.

She kind of agreed and then we went over some logistic stuff and left it at that.

OT, if you're still with me, it does have a slightly positive outcome.

Later that night she called me, 9:30 or so. Called her back, nothing. So, I figured I'd just see her in the morning (she went into work early today so that she could be home whent he girls get back from school; mag redesign meeting in, hmm, 15 minutes for me). She called back at 11:20, Asked me to bring the loaf of bread back so i could make sandwiches for the girls' for lunch. Said no problem, then she lingered a bit and we were talking a little, but I was still hurt/angry and said something like, 'normally, i'd like to talk to you, but i'm still a little angry with you and don't want to launch off again."

It wasn't until about an hour later that it dawned on me that she was reaching out to me to just talk (she was going to call me in the morning as an alarm back up and could have asked me for the bread then) and I shut her down out of anger and pride. So I asked her this morning if that was her intent and she said yes, I was trying. I apologized, gave the reasons I gave here and thanked her for reaching out to me and for me being too prideful and angry to respond last night. She accepted, gave me a hug and went to work.

I keep shooting myself in the effing foot. I want to get close to her, but keep doing stupid crap. I don't regret calling her about OM. If I hadn't seen that bill (totally random), and she had kept (or keeps now anyway) talking to him, there's no way we could ever get together again. I took a lot of the blame in the conversation that we had about our R, which is very new to her still. Up until June, I was really blaming her for all of this. We haven't seen each other a lot and that's a year's worth of blame compared to 2 months of me having/getting my act together. I don't really blame her for talking to OM over the summer, again, I really did have my head up my buttocks about a lot of things. Now I don't. Also, felt good to stand up for myself. A lot of times I wouldn't/didn't, so it's been good for her to see this side of me again. especially, since I'm doing it in a much calmer way.

Anyway, time to figure out future direction of my magazine. Glad I got this down and out of my head so I can concentrate on that.

BD