Asking for help...not an easy thing for me

[Meredith]

Okay, I think I understand.

So tell me what you think of this, and where I might be a little off.

CMNM's Goals:

Goal: To listen and digest what is being said
Steps: Repeat back what was said to me
Pitfalls: Interpretation, interjecting my own thoughts

Example: "Just so that I understand you, it would be better for you if I did not act so quickly on home improvement projects?" Let him answer and then repeat that back until everyone is clear. Honest to God, it sounds ridiculous but H and I did that in therapy and it WORKS! (Did I mention our 6 months of therapy? Wonderful stuff this time!)

Goal: To state clearly what I want at the present moment in time
Steps: State simple sentences detailing what I am asking for
Pitfalls: Over-speaking, disappointment, misinterpreting what I believe others want as what I want.

Example: He knocks on the door. Do I want my own space, or would I like company at the moment? Do I want to talk about the relationship, divorce, marriage, etc? Decide this, and then open the door.

"Hello! I like that color on you. Come on in, I'm going to tell S#3 you're here. Enjoy your show! I'm glad you're here to keep S#3 company, I need a little time alone. Enjoy your show! I'll talk to sometime tomorrow. Goodnight!"

Just remember that YOU can do what YOU want. If you don't feel up to talking on the phone, say that. If you'd like to get together with your H, say that. It might not always happen, but you put it out there and we can all use a little practice in being disappointed. You'll be able to maintain your niceness if you use the right tones!


Goal: To state how I feel in a safe manor
Steps to take: Limit your feelings to once sentence
Pitfalls: Placing blame for your feelings on others, being disappointed when effort is not made to soothe those feelings, understanding what you REALLY feel.

Happy? Appreciative? Angry? Belittled?

I am happy to see you!

I am confused. Can you please clarify?

I am flattered that you like this shirt.

I appreciate your diligence with the finances.

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So that's my advice! I'd keep it simple and short when it comes to the sensitive topics like feelings or divorce. I would let him drive that bus. When he says something about the lawyer meetings, say that you will be there but don't be afraid to follow it with a thank you for the reminder. Then break down what it is that you want at that moment. Wanting it all to go away doesn't count! Wanting to go out afterward, wanting to be alone, wanting a ride, wanting him to wear a certain shirt are more reasonable and grantable so don't be afraid to ask, even though you might be disappointed if he declines.