Good grief. Look what I missed and I haven't even been gone all that long. I see you've got the hurricane roiling inside...
Also, I'm shocked that this hasn't locked yet since it's well over 100 posts.
As always, quoting you in bold (and one does get to indicate a color preference, BTW)
omg, bonus is what I have feared all along...its what we were going to use for the divorce. I wonder if he's back to thinking that.
AND
I may be just doing the whiskey bottle thing all over again. likely I am. but wow, seriously, folks, all along I knew I had some time on my side, that nothing was likely to be done prior to bonus, and now, here it is. filing could be any moment...if not now, then it could be next week. my mind is working over time.
AND
I'm thinking way too much about him. all of this is way too much about him, and way too out of my control. I know that. I know I have to stop. I do.
Well, I can see that you went around and around on this.
I think there are really two parts to this. I'm not convinced that you can prevent yourself from thinking the thoughts you have. But it is quite clear that you can prevent yourself from reacting to those thoughts.
I'd refer you to some advice care (and sofaraway and others) have given me over the past while... It's OK to think/feel whatever, but just feel it and let it go. Don't let it get you into a tailspin you may have a hard time recovering from.
Now, at the end of the day, if he's going to do something, you won't be able to do much to stop it.
That's why you really need to start living life for you and not worry about what he may be doing. Some fraction of the time, you'll be wrong, since you only have incomplete information at best. Feel what you gotta feel, then recover quickly and keep going. Clearly by the last post, you've gotten there.
filing could be any moment...
vegas could be not only about celebrating their relationship, but also the end of ours.
okay, wow, guess I'm glad they can't get married there yet
It's going to be a while before anything like that can happen. 90-120 days post-D granting, and you have quite a bit to sort out before then. It won't happen quickly.
And of course, you don't really know much at all about the Vegas trip. You could be completely right? But he could have decided to become and Elvis impersonator and he's headed to the yearly convention.
was he being honest when he said he was confused/messed up??? or was it just a fleeting thing and now he's ready to move on???
You don't, and can't, know one way or the other. And you may never.
I know what sots'll say. lol...too much speculation, too much focus on H. and I know that
Now how did you know that? Am I that predictable? Cause that's one of the core beliefs of a WAS...
I'm pot boiling here (getting really upset and venting till the waters gone and I calm down).
Nothing wrong with this as long as you're not trying to boil off the Quabbin reservior.
so far the one boundery he has respected is the kids and OW, and who knows how long that will last. every single other one he has crossed.
Brace yourself for this one. By obsrevation, it seems that most WAS don't really consider this aspect and have no respect for either the kids or the LBS feelings. All you can do is lay it out for him and hope he complies. But if he doesn't you really can't prevent it.
my fear that I will be home with the kids one day and the doorbell will ring and I will be served. I have no idea how I will be served if things do progress in that direction, but that is my fear. I don't know a good way to be served, but I guess it would be better to e-mail or talk about logistics ahead of time. certainly anything is better than a shock.
That could happen. There are ways to prevent this, though. I was dead certain my XW was going to do this, so I retained an atty and called the local probate court periodically until she filed the paperwork (w/o telling me, of course). Then I had my atty arrange to accept service; I had to go there to accept (sign that I'd gotten the papers) but at least I wasn't surprised or humiliated publicly. So you can do that.
Decency isn't something I'd count on, at least not 100%.
I never thought my XW would be so merciless, but yet she was.
but the reality is it can be any time now. and that is f-ing scary as hell.
That's why getting yourself to a state where you know this to be true is a desirable thing:
You will be OK no matter what the outcome here.
Of course it's scary, and of course it's going to hurt if it happens. But you will recover from it, and I can pretty much tell already that you're going to not only survive but thrive if that does happen.
need to work harder on my detaching. yep, need to get my rear in gear on that again, so if/when it does happen, it might not be as bad a blow.
Exactly.
they started their affair last october, I didn't find out until last march (yep, dense dense dense).
So why would you beat yourself up over this? You trusted him. Why wouldn't you?
so even though the timeline is much shorter for me with all this, my H has, in reality, been in a year long relationship with OW.
And, of course, he was internally spinning with unhappiness for some time prior to that, and he wasn't letting you in on it...
I think a lot of the good that he does isn't out of love, its out of guilt. or co-dependent panics. but not love...
Again, you don't really know. Both are possible, but you don't get to see inside his head.
My suspicion is that you're right, but there's just no way to know. So don't worry about his motivations at all. Things are going to play out however they will. All you can do is keep trying and really move forward for you.
I know most of us get the ILYBNILWY speech, but it really feels like he means it.
I think they all mean it. There is a pattern here, and most people leaving conform. They didn't just get to that point overnight - they were unhappy in silence for quite some time and by the time they leave, they've usually got some internal justifications built up.
Not to say they never come back around, though.
It just would have been easier a couple of weeks ago before all the grabby-hands stuff. don't get me wrong, it would have been hard as hell, but I admit I took the other stuff as way too much a possibility of hope.
That's why the continuance of 'physical intimacy' for the LBS can be really tricky. While it can be useful to maintain a connection to the WAS, it can also have consequences to one's emotional well-being...
If you're going to be doing that, IMO, you have to have no expectations about things.
Not that I know firsthand, though I certainly wish I did.
not the sexy stuff, strangely enough, but jammies
Actually, PJs can be really sexy in and of themselves. If they make you feel better about you, then....
think I need to do a little retail therapy
Yes. As long as you can afford to, and it's not self-destructive, take care of you however makes you feel better.
