Kicked in the stomach

[lester]

Tara,

Mark is right. As hard as it is to DB and see things stay the same or worsen, focusing on yourself and getting your life in order will give you two advantages:

- You give your spouse the chance to see that you’re independent and can deal without them which is more attractive than someone who is clingy. I can speak from experience on this one and can vouch for how effective GALing can be.

- Your wife may or may not wake up. I know this is hard (we all do here) but if you work on who you are then you will be in a much better situation to not only survive but thrive. Life is too short to be miserable, choose to have a positive outlook and positive things can happen. This is the essence of AS IF. By acting AS IF things are good and positive in your life then they can start to become positive. Positive thinking doesn’t cause good things to happen but negative expectations tend become self fulfilling prophecies.

I think theo said it best

“I had a pretty inspiring conversation with a DB-er who turned his marriage around. He pointed out something about himself --he admitted that the last 5 years of his marriage, he had been so absent that he felt he drove his wife to an affair and seek a divorce.

Then, he looked at himself in the mirror. He didn't like the kind of man, husband and father he had become and he decided that he would stop being miserable about things and view his mission in life to become a man of honor, integrity and passion. He re-committed to his children and starting GAL in a major way. But his GAL was about changing who he was from the inside.

What he told me was this: make this about you. Really, truly decide what kind of man you want to be and live it. He was talking about character change, not just "techniques" to get someone's attention or simply going out and having fun to create mystery with your spouse. He started forming a solid group of male friends who were his "posse" and they sought to encourage each other and challenge each other to live on the cutting edge.

He said that he got lucky. His wife wanted in to his life, which was so interesting. In addition he slowly started sending signals that he was moving on and preparing for a life without her. Her sense of possibly losing him was a big factor.

Hope this encourages you.

--Theoden”