There and Back, #5

[nephartiti]

What kind of book is that? That makes me sick.

Morgan, relax. You're ok. You're going to be ok. Just keep breathing.

I'm with MK. I don't think he's done either (we know you're not). Don't push the issue. Just take a breather and see what happens.

[SallyM]

mk, they started their affair last october, I didn't find out until last march (yep, dense dense dense). so even though the timeline is much shorter for me with all this, my H has, in reality, been in a year long relationship with OW.

not sure where you see he loves me even 50%. I think a lot of the good that he does isn't out of love, its out of guilt. or co-dependent panics. but not love...he's told me flat out that he isn't in love with me anymore, and that he doesn't want me to be in love with him anymore. ouch. I know most of us get the ILYBNILWY speech, but it really feels like he means it.

and gross on that book. seriously.

okay, neph, I'm not going to push the issue. I am, however, going to ask about the car payment...nicely. it could be that he doesn't know how the payments will be (bill or coupon book) so that is why he didn't answer. its still early days yet, likely there isn't a payment due yet, maybe will get stuff in the mail this week. who knows. as for the filing, I know I need to accept that what will be will be. It just would have been easier a couple of weeks ago before all the grabby-hands stuff. don't get me wrong, it would have been hard as hell, but I admit I took the other stuff as way too much a possibility of hope.

enough about him. enough.

am off to the gym after dropping S5 at kindergarten. going to have a good w/o and clear my mind a bit.

[SallyM]

ya know what I'm doing this weekend? I'm going jammie shopping. I was just putting laundry away when it hit me...every single set of jammies/nightgowns I own, H bought me. not the sexy stuff, strangely enough, but jammies. think I need to do a little retail therapy and not have this constant reminder while I go into detachment mode. kind of like my new bedding...I really love it, and its been nice having new stuff that doesn't remind me of him.

[S_O_T_S]

Hi morgan.

Good grief. Look what I missed and I haven't even been gone all that long. I see you've got the hurricane roiling inside...

Also, I'm shocked that this hasn't locked yet since it's well over 100 posts.

As always, quoting you in bold (and one does get to indicate a color preference, BTW)

omg, bonus is what I have feared all along...its what we were going to use for the divorce. I wonder if he's back to thinking that.

AND

I may be just doing the whiskey bottle thing all over again. likely I am. but wow, seriously, folks, all along I knew I had some time on my side, that nothing was likely to be done prior to bonus, and now, here it is. filing could be any moment...if not now, then it could be next week. my mind is working over time.

AND

I'm thinking way too much about him. all of this is way too much about him, and way too out of my control. I know that. I know I have to stop. I do.

Well, I can see that you went around and around on this.

I think there are really two parts to this. I'm not convinced that you can prevent yourself from thinking the thoughts you have. But it is quite clear that you can prevent yourself from reacting to those thoughts.

I'd refer you to some advice care (and sofaraway and others) have given me over the past while... It's OK to think/feel whatever, but just feel it and let it go. Don't let it get you into a tailspin you may have a hard time recovering from.

Now, at the end of the day, if he's going to do something, you won't be able to do much to stop it.

That's why you really need to start living life for you and not worry about what he may be doing. Some fraction of the time, you'll be wrong, since you only have incomplete information at best. Feel what you gotta feel, then recover quickly and keep going. Clearly by the last post, you've gotten there.

filing could be any moment...

vegas could be not only about celebrating their relationship, but also the end of ours.

okay, wow, guess I'm glad they can't get married there yet

It's going to be a while before anything like that can happen. 90-120 days post-D granting, and you have quite a bit to sort out before then. It won't happen quickly.

And of course, you don't really know much at all about the Vegas trip. You could be completely right? But he could have decided to become and Elvis impersonator and he's headed to the yearly convention.

was he being honest when he said he was confused/messed up??? or was it just a fleeting thing and now he's ready to move on???

You don't, and can't, know one way or the other. And you may never.

I know what sots'll say. lol...too much speculation, too much focus on H. and I know that

Now how did you know that? Am I that predictable? Cause that's one of the core beliefs of a WAS...

I'm pot boiling here (getting really upset and venting till the waters gone and I calm down).

Nothing wrong with this as long as you're not trying to boil off the Quabbin reservior.

so far the one boundery he has respected is the kids and OW, and who knows how long that will last. every single other one he has crossed.

Brace yourself for this one. By obsrevation, it seems that most WAS don't really consider this aspect and have no respect for either the kids or the LBS feelings. All you can do is lay it out for him and hope he complies. But if he doesn't you really can't prevent it.

my fear that I will be home with the kids one day and the doorbell will ring and I will be served. I have no idea how I will be served if things do progress in that direction, but that is my fear. I don't know a good way to be served, but I guess it would be better to e-mail or talk about logistics ahead of time. certainly anything is better than a shock.

That could happen. There are ways to prevent this, though. I was dead certain my XW was going to do this, so I retained an atty and called the local probate court periodically until she filed the paperwork (w/o telling me, of course). Then I had my atty arrange to accept service; I had to go there to accept (sign that I'd gotten the papers) but at least I wasn't surprised or humiliated publicly. So you can do that.

Decency isn't something I'd count on, at least not 100%.

I never thought my XW would be so merciless, but yet she was.

but the reality is it can be any time now. and that is f-ing scary as hell.

That's why getting yourself to a state where you know this to be true is a desirable thing:

You will be OK no matter what the outcome here.

Of course it's scary, and of course it's going to hurt if it happens. But you will recover from it, and I can pretty much tell already that you're going to not only survive but thrive if that does happen.

need to work harder on my detaching. yep, need to get my rear in gear on that again, so if/when it does happen, it might not be as bad a blow.

Exactly.

they started their affair last october, I didn't find out until last march (yep, dense dense dense).

So why would you beat yourself up over this? You trusted him. Why wouldn't you?

so even though the timeline is much shorter for me with all this, my H has, in reality, been in a year long relationship with OW.

And, of course, he was internally spinning with unhappiness for some time prior to that, and he wasn't letting you in on it...

I think a lot of the good that he does isn't out of love, its out of guilt. or co-dependent panics. but not love...

Again, you don't really know. Both are possible, but you don't get to see inside his head.

My suspicion is that you're right, but there's just no way to know. So don't worry about his motivations at all. Things are going to play out however they will. All you can do is keep trying and really move forward for you.

I know most of us get the ILYBNILWY speech, but it really feels like he means it.

I think they all mean it.
There is a pattern here, and most people leaving conform.
They didn't just get to that point overnight - they were unhappy in silence for quite some time and by the time they leave, they've usually got some internal justifications built up.

Not to say they never come back around, though.

It just would have been easier a couple of weeks ago before all the grabby-hands stuff. don't get me wrong, it would have been hard as hell, but I admit I took the other stuff as way too much a possibility of hope.

That's why the continuance of 'physical intimacy' for the LBS can be really tricky. While it can be useful to maintain a connection to the WAS, it can also have consequences to one's emotional well-being...

If you're going to be doing that, IMO, you have to have no expectations about things.

Not that I know firsthand, though I certainly wish I did.

not the sexy stuff, strangely enough, but jammies

Actually, PJs can be really sexy in and of themselves. If they make you feel better about you, then....

think I need to do a little retail therapy

Yes. As long as you can afford to, and it's not self-destructive, take care of you however makes you feel better.

Chocolate-chip cookie dough, shopping, redecorating. Whatever.

That's how you start living for you, doing what you want.

Yikes. Way too much writing from me. Hope it makes sense.

Take care,

[SallyM]

S_O_T_S, thanks for all of that. I do know I need to step back, remember I'll be okay, detach, etc, etc, but its hard sometimes, and good to be reminded. I appreciate you taking to the time to, and to give me things to think about, too.

weird day. the kids have been at each others throats all day...just one of those days, can't even blame it on the moon. I went to the gym this morning solely so I could have some peace for an hour. lol. then when I picked up S5 from kindergarten, I took them all to a movie, again for the (relative) peace. they had a blast, we were the only ones in the theatre, so I let them run around a bit. they were sooo excited.

I feel bad that I'm so frustrated with them today, since H will be picking them up shortly, and I know I'll be very sad to see them go. but I'm almost (gasp) glad for a bit of a break tonight/tomorrow. see, silver linings. don't get me wrong, I'll miss them, but I need a little me time to refresh/recharge.

need to be strong. H is on his way over now to get them, and I'm already slightly irritated...don't want that to come across, don't want to get into any big discussions, don't want to get weepy about the state of our relationship. yeah, I'm still there. will get over it, but boy, I really did lose a lot of the detachment I had going for me. hopefully this weekend will help me regain it.

I think I'm bummed about bonus this year. every sept, he gets a nice bonus and its a good chunk of change to play around with. A lot of it is spoken for (insurance stuff, etc, but usually there are some nice extras...last year we got new kitchen furniture, took a vacation, that kind of thing. was hoping to give a good bump to the college funds this year). this time, I don't get to allocate much of it, since I need to reserve it for the possibility of divorce. I need the lawyer money set aside so I don't have to think about it...that's what I put into the ing acct. that and the twins preschool stuff. don't want to mess with that. so I'll pay the boring stuff, buy some new clothes that I need, but nothing else. I hate this. I hate not being able to plan. I mean, I suppose I could go ahead and plan out the divorce, right? but I don't want to, so that's not going to happen until I am 100% ready, or until he is (more likely).

anyway, I think that's why I'm in a bit of a mood. that, combined with the re-attachment.

[nephartiti]

Morgan,

I know what you mean about the planning thing and the frustration with not knowing what to expect. I'm dreading the holidays. It's just part of what goes a long with this big old mess. It's something the WAS doesn't seem to deal with because they are only concerned with themselves and what they are doing.

Plan for yourself and your kids. Try not to think about what he is or is going to do.

Take care. Don't let him see your frustration.

[SallyM]

thanks, neph.

h just left with the kids. it didn't go great, but wasn't too bad. I am obviously in a bit of a mood about things, tried not to show it, wasn't terribly successful. told him his bonus was in and I transfered some of it to our ing acct. He got really upset about that...that we don't know what we are doing yet, why shift the money. um, hello, lets earn some interest on it until we decide what we are doing. turns out he thought it was some kind of investment acct that you can't pull out of until a specific period has passed, not our savings acct...I swear the man never listens to me. never ever ever. can't tell you how often I have gone over our accts with him.

anyway, I got irritated immediately at his irritation, and told him straight out that he had promised he would tell me before getting a lawyer, etc, so why get upset that I put some money into savings? He said he would tell me, he didn't even know what he/we were going to do, but didn't want the money unaccessable. finally he understood its a freaking savings acct, we have full access to it at any time.

once that was cleared up, things never really got better. they started out that way, ended that way, just irritation on both sides. he asked why I was acting that way, I told him I just have a lot of things on my mind. he told me he did too. best that he left then, or thereabouts. a few more other stuff talked about, but nothing R wise. I did ask about the coupon book for the car and he said he was going to take care of that bill. so either the payment is more than he told me it was, or else he is starting to remember how to write a check for himself. as far as I know he has no other acct, will know in october whether any checks clear from our acct for a car, so will know the answer to both of those things.

I wanted to say a hell of a lot more, ask a hell of a lot more. ask if he wanted to take over his amex/visa bills as well, but I didn't. I bottled any snotty/snarky/sarcastic remarks. in my current mood, that is huge.

so not great, but not as bad as it could have been.

[nephartiti]

Well, at least it was not as bad as it could have been

When does he bring the kids back? Take a breather and try to regroup. You didn't really lose any ground. At least he doesn't know what he's doing about D. That's better than saying he was going to file right away.

Good job bottling those remarks! Incredible will power. I have a really hard time biting my tongue.

Maybe it's time for another w/o. Then you can stop by later and we'll have that glass of wine with the cookie dough