Ouch. Your last post...well, ouch! I went to bed wondering why I reactd to it. As I always tell people here, the posts that piss you off are the ones you really need to examine closely.
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You should be developing a positive outlook on life.
Do I really seem that negative to you? You see, I was actually happy that I was finally understanding. Sad that it took so long, yes, but happy that I hung in there and tried to find a solution.
Quote:
What I am saying is that when you say that you are sad at how he sees you, he sees that as needy. And needy is selfish.
Really? Needy and Selfish? I don't feel as if I am asking anything of him. I didn't even ask forgiveness, and I certainly didn't say, "Look, this CAN work between us." I did feel the need to apologize because I could see where I was wrong in this. My apology was a pledge to do better. Not for us as a couple, but for us as people.
Last night I felt like calling on Meredith, who I have actually met, to please come on here and tell people that I am positive. I am fun. I am actually very nice. Heck, I'm in a job where I have to be over the top "up" the whole time I am there. And I think that my H would say the same thing about 80% of the time. It is just that when we get stuck in this same bad communication cycle, I seem to spin right out of control.
Yes, I have been here for as long as you said. Not regularly. In fact, this may be my 3rd thread, tops. It is probably the only one that ever went multiple pages.
I know I am getting defensive. But, if nothing else, I come on here and try to be completly honest. I probably even take responsibility for more of the things that have gone wrong than I should. I don't want to sit around and feel negative, especially about my H. We had built a great life from virtually nothing, and we raised 3 wonderful kids. We did something right, and I do feel good about that.
What does my "positive" life look like to you, IMP? Does it mean not coming here and trying to figure things out? Does it mean not taking responsibility for what I feel I have done wrong? Does it mean not allowing myself to feel badly over the things I have done wrong?
O.K., since this is just being typed out, you have no idea the tone of this. I do need to tell you that I am puzzled, and not angry. I may have been a touch angry last night when I read it, but I quickly figured out that I felt hurt that I was trying so sincerely to be the better person and I felt like you were adding insult to injury.
But, that is what I signed up for here, isn't it? It is the same way I post to other people- harsh and to the point. So, in the end, I thank you for your comments and questions. If what you are seeing is the way I come across, I definately need to change that. You said that I need to love myself. I need to shed a lot of this baggage to get there. It wasn't enough for me to know that what I did was wrong. I wanted to dissect it so I could avoid doing things like it again. I couldn't just distance myself from it and then POW! I Love Myself! It just doesn't work that way.