Growing up is hard to do

[peaceful_spirit]

Shades,
It's so nice to hear from you! I miss you here in Jersey! I know I wasn't the perfect W. I know I played a significant role in him leaving the very first time. But I tried to fix all that was wrong. And in large part, I did. Nobody is perfect. It just sucks that these guys aren't mature enough to be okay with that.

RJ,
It means so much to me that you thought of me during your holiday and that you remembered the my H was coming home. You make some really good points. I guess I'm just not able to handle him home when he is still so messed up. I have a certain level of expectations that he is unable to meet. Yes, he's still in a fog. I just pray that he continues counseling. That is the only place he'll get that guidance. If not, I don't know if he'll ever come out of this mess.

But I know that I cannot live happily in a M with someone so flawed. I would rather live with the pain of losing him than the anxiety of living with him. I can handle pain. I can work through it. But anxiety is such a lack of control. That has been another learning for me.

Angelica,
I agree that if he can learn and grow from this, then that would be great. But if not, then I do deserve better. I need to hang onto that though whenever I start wondring if I did the right thing.

I think my H is relieved to be leaving again. I think it was too much pressure to be here. I had told him once about a month ago, that if he wanted to be with me, then I would expect more of him... I would expect him to be a better person than he's been.

I need to let him go and grow up all on his own. And if he can't, then need to just let him go, period.