Hi PS, Today I was busy with Rosh Hashanah stuff, and then this thought popped into my head that PS's H is coming home today and I better check the BB. It's 3 AM and I am sick as a dawg, so this post may not make any sense either. A lot of help we are tonight!

PS, please do not be so hard on yourself. These reconciliation attempts are giving you information. You have learned that your H is still in the fog, and that you have too much anxiety/trauma to lead the way when he is home with you. In reflecting on your actions, if you discover that you may have pushed him away, it's because you had to. You uncovered your limit and identified a need, and that is for your H to be further along in his development before you live together again.

His " I don't care attitude" is just a defense. It reminds me of my teenage daughter who loves tennis and recently tried out for the HS tennis team. She messed up on the first day of tryouts, and when I picked her up she informed me that she doesn't care about the whole thing and she is not going back for the remainder of the tryout matches. So we had the "you're not a quitter" talk and she got back on track. But this is where the analogy is different...I am a parent to my daughter and it's my role to provide her with direction and support. In an affair situation, you cannot do this for your H. He is going to have to find that inner voice within himself to step up and be a husband to you. This is hard for him because, from what it sounds like, he really didn't have the proper guidance growing up. And then he became lost and confused and entangled in crappy stuff. And we all empathize so much with the MLC plight, but at the end of the day, they all have this in common: rather than stepping up, they duck and run.

You can't mother him anymore. You can't analyze and fix this for him. So let him go. He needs to figure this out on his own and time will tell how things turn out. And you know what? I believe things turn out the way they are supposed to be ( sounds cliche but I really do feel this way).

You don't have to give up on him. You just have to be good to you.

So, deep breaths and lottsa hugggs to you, xoxoxo, Journey