WOW f21 - hadn't caught up on you recently and now I see this major development in your sitch.
I'm glad you are feeling so strong and at peace. It's really inspiring to see how you are handling this.
No advice on your plan because I have no idea what I'd say! But I do know that you will handle yourself well. Hopefully others will have specific advice.
(((f21)))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
If H continues to question whether I'm done, I could say "Yeah, I don't *see* a reason not to be."
This is a great one that came from Julie, to use if he is displaying anger... "Let's take some time to process these new feelings, so we're able to communicate from a place of understanding rather than fear or anger."
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Hey girl... just want to let you know that I think you're doing a great job...
My only thought with the convo goes with what you've already alluded to: shorter is better.
Here's something I pulled off of a 'staying solution-focused thread' by Laurie... thought you might find some helpful points...
Quote:
Michele calls these the “Ground Rules for Constructive Conversations”.
1. Use “I” messages. For example, instead of saying, “You get me angry” say “I get angry when you do ‘X’ or “You’re trying to hurt my feelings” say I get hurt when you say ‘X’”
2. No mind reading. Try not to tell someone what they are thinking or feeling. Examples: “You did that to get back at me” “I know you how you’re feeling” “It’s obvious you’re in a bad mood”
3. Remember that you or your spouse’s feelings are neither wrong or right. So, if you are one that tells your spouse what they “should” or “should not” feel a certain way, try hard to take that out of your conversation!
4. Leave the past in the past. Bringing up “old stuff” can leave the blamed one with a sense of “why try” because they know they cannot fix the past. Focus on the present, more viable issue.
5. Avoid “always” or “nevers”. These are adjectives that also invite hopelessness or a “why try” attitude because they communicate to your spouse that any positive attempts they have made have been totally overlooked and/or disregarded.
6. “Whys” can be heard as judgments or put-downs. “Why didn’t you take out the garbage?” “Why do you always have to do it that way?” “Why can’t you be nicer to me?” Can you sense the attacking mode? That will more likely invite a defensive response, right?
Remember to stick to the point and be concrete in your discussions. It probably goes without saying to avoid name-calling, right? And if one of you needs a time out, then please allow each other that breather.
And here’s my favorite one from Michele: Unless he or she is deaf, then he or she has heard you! Instead of constantly repeating the same thing over and over, trust that your spouse has heard you the first time. It might be a good idea to make your point, then let it go. As Michele suggests, in the following days watch to see if your request or concern has been acted upon. When someone feels less pressured or controlled (and that can happen when one feels nagged), they are more willing to respond to the request. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised!
Dunno... hope it helps. stay strong and holla if ya need to.
That's good stuff. Nice to know I'm not breaking a bunch of rules, but I wonder if even repeating that I'm done is even necessary. It seems he needs or wants to hear back from me, and I figure I need to let him see I'm standing firm. I could leave out the fact that I'm done.??
Maybe... "Hi H. I'm glad you called again, you sound better. Just getting back to you. Yeah, I'll be in touch with you soon so we can try to figure some of this stuff out together."
??
OK, I need to make my move before the rain comes back. Be back on in a bit.
Thanks for stopping by, girl!
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
That was easy. I called and got his voicemail, and said the following... "Hi H. I just wanted to get back to you. Yeah, I'd like to figure some of this stuff out together if we can. I'll get in touch with ya again soon. I hope you're doing well. Bye for now."
I chose a soft-spoken and friendly tone, figuring that will get me the furthest with him right now. Other times, I seem to need to be more tough. That should allow me some space for a bit.
It sure feels like fall outside. My ears are still kinda cold from that walk.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
f21~ You did great girl!! You were cool, calm & collective it sounds like and got your message across. Now you gotta follow it up with all of Jules' great advice! Good going Jules!
I need to copy that and pin it up on my mirror since I sometimes have a problem w/blaming H,,oey.
Have a great night guys!!
Kim P.S. We are losing 2 DBers from Denver,,this will be hard as they are both 'life-lines' for me,,this part of moving on & piecing sucks for us buddies,,happy for them but sad we're losing close friendships! Wonder if this is normal to feel this way?!
M44H44 M18 T22 Sep7yrs-3/10 S23,22,15,11 10/07I file 2/08D postponed by H 2/09D on 3/09H moves in 8/09I kick H out 9/09H-PA 10/09-2/10mediate 3/10OW discoved 5/10H&OW engaged 7/10DDay w/atty
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Okay, just needed to come on and do some venting of my thoughts.
H called late this morning, and I took his call. He was quiet and asked what and how I was doing. I was very friendly toward him. The whole convo was interesting. There was a lot going on in that one 20+ minute call. I think I just need to get it all out of my head still.
He was wondering how I wanted to do things from here. I probably should've just let him sweat it awhile longer, but I'm still learning as I go here. I'm comfortable with how it went overall. And I'm really happy with how well I'm dealing with it all afterwards. I love seeing my improvement and growth.
It wasn't an effort to be nice, even loving, toward him to begin with. He seemed confused. I got the impression he expected me to be angry at him. He struggled with some anger, but managed to keep it under control. He seemed to take the position that... this isn't what he wanted, but yeah fine that's what we're doing. I told him this isn't what I wanted either, and that he knew that. I asked him if this was really a surprise to him. We started to argue about it, and I put a stop to his angry tone with me... made it clear that we need to talk respectfully to each other IF we're going to.
He said if he wanted to D, he would've filed... and asked me "do you think I just want to keep paying the mortgage and everything?" I said "No, I don't. It doesn't seem like you want to be M though either. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I have more respect for myself." Then the convo went onto why I reached this point. I told him I didn't feel like he was being honest with me while we were starting a new R with each other.
Told him I know it's hard and that I saw him trying, but I'm not gonna be lied to. He asked if I was talking about the "one time" he was evasive. I said no, and that I'd really respected him for being honest with me that time... and that I didn't get in his business about why and had faith in him, but that he seemed to just be more evasive after that. He claims he'd been honest with me, and asked me when he lied. I told him he knows when he lies, I don't need to tell him, and that he must only be counting the times he knows he was caught. He got mad and wanted to just hang up then. Told him how sad I find it that he can't be honest, and that I find it disrespectful. He remained adamant that he didn't lie to me. I didn't let on, but it made me question myself a little... my perception of reality, since it was his evasiveness and not lies that I can easily prove anything from. He's a "good" liar and will always have more lies to cover up the others, but I'm a step ahead of him this time.
It was a little frustrating that he tried to put this whole D decision on me, and not take responsibility for his role recently. But what am I expecting, duh. And also I wasn't sold that he doesn't truly want this himself (for the right reasons, anyway), even though he says he doesn't. He probably just doesn't want to be the bad guy. I'm afraid I would've told him that too, had I thought of it. Maybe I should have. He'd say he wasn't wanting this and his tone was consistent with that, but each time I'd stand up for myself and remind him this isn't what I wanted (ok, I see where I kept repeating myself... need to know what I could do diff here) he seemed REAL quick to say ok, we're D... but he kept going back to saying HE didn't want this. He was just begging for me to ask him why he wasn't fighting for our M then, but I didn't.
If it's really not what he wanted and I am over here saying this isn't what I wanted, why would he nervously jump into half-@$$ agreeing to D? I think he could've been scared I might ask well why are we then. If he really didn't want to D, wouldn't he just say well why are we then? Ego, I suppose, but it would be nice if he could just be honest so I don't second guess myself here. I would have so much more respect for him and see him as a better guy than the way he's going about it. I get the impression he wants to do this but is simply irritated it's not all on his terms, and isn't comfortable having any of the responsibility fall on his shoulders. I may just share this with him, in hopes he might see that if we are honest with each other we can proceed knowing this is the right thing to do. Any opinions out there on that?
We talked about trying to do the D collaboratively. I told him where I stood on that... that I'd like to but that I have my doubts we can when he gets angry like he was, and how he then often doesn't do as he has promised. He didn't like that, as you can imagine. We started to go into a bit too much on the D subject, but we quickly ended that discussion.
Probably the biggest mistake I made was with what I shared when it came to me reaching this point. I should've stuck to the fact (and my plan) that "I wasn't seeing a reason not to be done", which I forgot to even say.(oops... need to have a plan for that too.) I have trouble with being too open and honest... it's not always appropriate. That opened up a can of worms, and also I think says that I'm making accusations and blaming. Not good.
Anyhow, nothing that's the end of the world here. Thanks for reading, if you did.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
You were cool, calm & collective it sounds like and got your message across. Now you gotta follow it up with all of Jules' great advice! Good going Jules! 
Wonder if this is normal to feel this way?!
Told him how sad I find it that he can't be honest, and that I find it disrespectful. He remained adamant that he didn't lie to me. I didn't let on, but it made me question myself a little... my perception of reality, since it was his evasiveness and not lies that I can easily prove anything from. He's a "good" liar and will always have more lies to cover up the others, but I'm a step ahead of him this time.