Cold differentiation, fusion and stuff.

[Kettricken]

If I'm allowing my self-esteem to be battered by her bad behavior and find myself becoming less and less of a person, when is it my obligation to protect myself by getting away?

IMHO, that's when.

(theoretical "you" engaged)

Or when, despite your good intentions, you find yourself in a pattern of being unable to resist reacting back to her in abusive and/or hurtful ways unbecoming your desired self (theory v. practice).

I think it would be wonderful if you could *truly* "rise above" (almost) any behavior ... but I think a lot of people delude themselves that they are, because they want to or think they should, but aren't really successful, to their own serious detriment.

And *especially* the virtues of tolerance must be weighed based on whether there are children involved who are getting their programming written about how adults should interact. (In fact, I wonder if that would be true even if you were the perfect impervious Deida man. Would your good example be enough to outweigh her unopposed toxic one? something to consider)

Then there's the whole question of if you are really doing your partner any favors by not firmly resisting their crap. My view is, not. But ultimately that's their concern.....

But I think what you are saying (in part) is, why should I conform to anyone else's predigested definitions of "abuse"? If I can take it and it *truly* doesn't diminish me, who is to say what I "should" tolerate? I can see the merit. But the above caveats make that stance a bit of a minefield, perhaps.