Cold differentiation, fusion and stuff.

[Burgbud]

(Martelo) I know that Deida preaches the strength in standing up against the storm and the tests of women but where is the line between enduring a test and accepting abuse?

I think we'd agree that whatever else happens, there's no downside to not allowing the woman's "test" to negatively affect our own mindframe. So whether it's a test or abuse, standing up against the storm is preferable to bowing to it. Yes?

Man, you've hit on something that started out manageable in my head but now seems like a really big issue.

So let's assume that you've reached the Deida ideal and you're the perfect rock in the storm. At that point, I kind of believe that the issue of test vs. abuse is moot. At that point, her behavior is just her behavior...does that make sense or does it seem void of content? Right here is the part where I get excited about the idea of "an integrated man doesn't follow the rules, he makes the rules." Because if I'm following the rules, then I feel like I have to measure her bad behavior against some absolute scale: was her behavior abuse? If so, I have permission to fight it or rail against it or point it out or whatever I want to do. In fact, many would say that I have an obligation to myself to do *something* pointed about it. If, on the other hand, it's -not- abuse, then I have to figure out if I didn't like it because of some issue internal to me or if she was just having a bad day or whatever. The rules seem to tell me that bad behavior which doesn't rise to the level of abuse is something I need to tolerate or explore or deal with in some manner different from the manner with which I'd deal with abuse.

If I'm the rock, though, and bad behavior is just bad behavior, and I'm making the rules instead of following them, I simply get to decide what to do about that bad behavior. If I choose to tolerate it then I'll tolerate it. If I choose to confront her about it then I will. If I choose to leave her, so be it. I get to decide my actions based on my view of the world. I give her full freedom to decide her actions based on whatever I do. All well and fine.

Where the whole thing gets to be a really big issue is, what if I'm not the Deida ideal rock? How, then, do I determine what's legitimate abuse that I must not tolerate and what's just bad behavior that probably just needs to be addressed? If I'm allowing my self-esteem to be battered by her bad behavior and find myself becoming less and less of a person, when is it my obligation to protect myself by getting away?