My own sanity. It almost feels like a luxury. I used to think my life was so blessed...
Yesterday, CW got in my face. She stopped by the bus stop (even though she has set up a different stop for her D, and her H was picking her up), to speak with one of the other moms. She kept on glancing past the woman's shoulder at me and laughing. I had to stay to get my D, and I was angry about the flaunting of it all, shoving it in my face, even with the no contact order...
I walked up to the car and asked the other mom to excuse us for a minute. I told her to go away, get out of my face and out of my life; she wasn't supposed to be near near my kids. I told her to leave my H alone. She said no, I will not leave your H alone. It got ugly from there. She went to drive off, and then I blew it--I reached out to hold her arm, make her stop, and only got her hair. She stopped the car and started screaming, I screamed back (let loose a lot of not-nice words), then walked home.
I got a call today while going down to the city--it was H, so I handed the phone over to the kids. He asked to speak to me. Told me that this was a courtesy call; CW called the police and filed a complaint to get it on the record. The officer was looking for me. She was not going to file charges.
I just said a curt thank you for the info and hung up.
I am going to start to look into the classifieds for new housing. I have to get the hell away from this town.
He is not the man who I thought he was. He does not have the strength or character that I believed in. He has shown himself to be a weak-minded, newly selfish person who will cheat and lie to protect himself and his own interests. He has no interest in changing, in trying, or in preserving any R with me or keeping our family whole.
With everything that I have ever lived through, there has never been another human being on this earth who has hurt me so deeply and so often as this man. This man who I would have done anything for, who I have loved every day over the last 21 years. How could I not let go, at this point?
He cried to me one night, early on in my awareness of the sitch (since he went through so much privately, with this other person), that he had failed--failed me, failed the kids, and failed himself. I told him then that he had not failed, not yet--there was still time to try.
He was right all along. He gave up before I even knew what was happening, before I ever asked about that kiss. I wonder when I ever would have found out, if I had waited for him to say something, anything...
