Growing up is hard to do

[peaceful_spirit]

Oh, I feel like [censored]. H got home. Played with the kids. Then we talked.

Basically, he's back to the whole, "we couldn't make it work" crap again. He said he knows what he did and he knows what I did but that in the end our M was not repairable. That just sent me into tears.

He said something about how I was always snooping. I said that whether or not I snooped, the actions were still there. Whether or not I found that receipt, he was still in the city and lied about it.

He seems fine about moving out again. He said he's going to look for an appartment. I ended up crying a lot and doing most of the talking. He just stood there.

I feel like he isn't even upset about this. I just crashed. I was okay all week, and now I feel awful. I'm crying. I feel like he's just saying, "oh well, we couldn't make it work." I wish I saw regret. I wish he was upset about losing me.

I asked him if he was going to continue going to his C. He said he'll see how it goes. I said that I hope he continues to go, becuase if he doesn't then he's giving up on himself.

Oh, I feel bad. Just bad. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like i F-ed up. He said something about how I was saying that I wanted him to do things for me like bring me flowers, when he was just focused on trying not to revert back to his bad behavior. I said that I wish he had just told me that instead of saying he's fine. He said, "You know I hate talking about it". So, now I feel like if I had only known that I could have backed off. Instead, I put so much pressure on him to step up and to start meeting my needs in the M.

I guess I just hate the feeling that I was in any way responsible for us getting to this point. I want to tell myself that I did everything I could... and that at this point it's all his fault. But I may have pushed him too hard.

[censored]. This sucks.