Could not help it...just filled in some of your questions....
What is the goal? A wonderfull, loving, fullfilling M with my dear H!! What are the steps? Learn to communicate differently and "get to know' DH on another level!! What are the pitfalls to be avoided? Closing up, forming a wall by assuming, being unkind, expecting too much at this time in rebuilding our new M!
I'm sorry I have not responded. I've beenr eading, but the CEO was visiting this week, so it's been busy at work. I'm laso trying to spend my home-time reading and writing off-line--so much less DB time.
But I've been reading...hopefully I'll set aside more time for responding in a few days.
But you did a great job answering those questions. And Baby Bliss WOW! What beautiful insight. That was brilliant.
I just wanted to give you the link to that article.
RCR, Thank you again for your time. Your article, by the way, was fabulous and very well written. I think that, as we talked about on the Deliverance thread, I am at a place to really "get" it. I don't think I was ready back when it was written.
Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but I e-mailed my H some of the stuff BB and I were discussing. I don't know why her posts got to me the way they did. I am sure others (Probably Betsey and Meredith, and of course my H himself!) tried to tell me the same things, but this time it really hit home. I actually felt sick that this was the way I was communicating to my H. I didn't want him to feel punished or not listened to by me. It was awful to feel all of those emotions. So, as I said, I e-mailed him some of the exchange. I then apologized for making him feel this way. I explained to him that I knew he tried to tell me some of those things, but it took an outsider explaining my patterns for me to be able to see them more clearly. I told him that I didn't expect anything in return, I just wanted him to know that I was so very sorry.
He wrote back. He told me that I was correct, that he has been telling me the same things for a year or so. He then said: "I think one of the problems is that you had to hear it from an outsider." I am not sure how to take that. I don't know if he meant that he sees now that he couldn't be the one to get through to me, or that it is a problem that I needed an outsider to tell me something that he tried to tell me himself. That is the problem with e-mails and posts. Things can be taken in so many ways.
He went on to say that he has been telling me that I don't listen. He said that I get something in my head and I try to make it happen, whether it is good or bad.
He said that BB was right, that it doesn't take much to scare him off, given our history.
He also said that I need to be with someone who can get through my communication style and who won't take things to heart .
One thing that really hurt me (not as if the previous stuff didn't, but this really stung) is that he said that I look at the things I say in how it affects me instead of the people around me. This, he said, gives me license to say whatever I want. He, on the other hand, looks at how things affect others, and this results in him rarely talking.
He told me he hoped it made sense and said maybe we could talk about it another time.
I know that the optimists in the crowd will say, "hey, he opened up to you!" But it still makes me sad that this is who I am to him. It makes me sad that I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn't see my way out of it. I wanted to fix it, but kept overshooting the problem and going straight to piecing before I was anywhere near it. Of course this always resulted in feelings of failure and pain for both H and I. I am sorry that I didn't understand his pain. I was too wrapped up in mine. I hate that I was that selfish.
But it still makes me sad that this is who I am to him.
you know what. Youy (as well as so many others here) spend so much time obsessing on what you don't have. It's one of the reasons I tell people not to think so much.
So what are you going to do about it? Balls in your court.
I already replied to him. I really don't know what else to do at this point. I guess all I can do is to listen better and just live in the moment. I would say the ball is actually in his court, but that would be projecting again, and I don't do that anymore...
And, is it really obsessing to feel guilty over all of this? Are you just trying to give me a kick in the a$$ to stop feeling sorry for myself and to do something worthwhile?
I am asking this in the most respectful of ways. I am a bit embarrassed that I have to ask, but, hey, I want to learn.
It isn't about replying to him. It is about the way you see yourself. It is about the fact that what you see is what you don't have. That is why I quoted you in my last post. You have to change that. Stop thinking about your H and what you have to do there and start thinking about becoming a positive person. You have to change yourself before you can affect change in others.
Read this book. Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn.
It isn't about replying to him. It isn't about him. It is about you. It is about the way you see yourself. It is about the fact that what you see is what you don't have. That is why I quoted you in my last post. You have to change that. Stop thinking about your H and what you have to do there and start thinking about becoming a positive person. You have to change yourself before you can affect change in others.
Read this book. Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn.
