Well the cold I have seems to be letting up a bit. Going to try for another good nights sleep. I have been actually sleeping better the last few days than before her move. I think I just got plain wore down. With stress and all, then the cold kicks in and I am wiped.
Anyhow I was thinking today. Kinda new thoughts coming to me. Not sure if this is detaching more, giving up or what? But as I slowly put my house back together, and envision to what I yet want to do with it, I am liking it. It is comfortable, it is neat and orderly. It is the WAY I LIKE IT!
Which led me to this thought........do I really want her to come back? Oh yes, there is a part of me that misses her and what we had, what we should have. But I feel as if a part of me is growing away from that as I put this house the way I want it. One of the BIG issues for me that I believe led to our downward spiral is her clutter and general disregard for any order. It would so frustrate me. Stuff would be laying all over, papers, mail......plates with old food in the sink. I think back to one time when I had to work all weekend, and on Sunday after I got home from work, a weekend she had off..........the house was completely trashed. I just wanted to come home and relax.......and I couldn't.
I would get angry, sulk, kick stuff around.......and just withdrawl. I never called her lazy out right, but I know I got that message across. I tried to and for the most part succeeded, in accepting that is just the way she is. When I had time, I cleaned. And it seemed that she would get mad at me, when all I looked for were a few kudo's. "Hey, honey you like how the house looks?" "Uhhhh, yeah its great, as she tossed her stuff on the table"
Now I am questioning if I really want to go back to that? There is a part of me that is not so sure. It is probably going to be about 10 days, 2 weeks before she actually comes here to pick up our girl. I am not even close to what I want this place to look like, but I am hoping for an involuntary wow from her when she walks in......
Am I detaching? Am I getting better? I feel like I am. Not sure what is going to happen next.........but on the other hand, at least for this moment, I am not overly concerned about it either!!
