There and Back, #5

[SallyM]

I know what sots'll say. lol...too much speculation, too much focus on H. and I know that. I'm pot boiling here (getting really upset and venting till the waters gone and I calm down).

no, bonus has nothing to do with the car, just realized that on the original financial e-mail thread, he mentioned both the dd of his paycheck and that bonus should be there any day. the only thing I commented on was the paycheck, and then asked about the car stuff and never heard back from him. now I guess I am wondering if its because he threw the bonus thing out there...was fishing to get things started. I know, I know, this is total speculation. but the fact that he didn't answer about the car makes me wonder if he was looking for me to bite on the other.

this is probably confusing to read, but it does make sense, just probably not explaining it very well.

bonus should be dd, but since he left the company, it might not be, so then it will be a check. he better not touch it w/o talking to me first, so far we have both been really good about the money stuff. in fact, I am thankful for how good he has been, especially after reading some horror stories of other H's. I have asked him to sit down and figure out the logistics prior to retaining a lawyer, but the truth of the matter is, I have asked many things out of him only to be let down. so far the one boundery he has respected is the kids and OW, and who knows how long that will last. every single other one he has crossed.

we have talked about this, about my fear that I will be home with the kids one day and the doorbell will ring and I will be served. I have no idea how I will be served if things do progress in that direction, but that is my fear. I don't know a good way to be served, but I guess it would be better to e-mail or talk about logistics ahead of time. certainly anything is better than a shock. when I told H my fear, he started crying...again, the man who I have only ever seen cry a handful of times in my life. He is shocked that I would think he'd be such an ass as to do that. so maybe it won't be that, but maybe it will be him asking for the sit down to discuss logistics. better than the sprung-on-me papers, but damn. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready.

I do know I'm probably speculating way too much. I guess having been burned so many times, it makes me a bit wary of what is to come.

I promise I'll try to get past all this wild speculation by tomorrow. I will. because you are right, there is nothing I can do to change it if he goes that route, I can only control/change myself. I know that. logically, I know that.

tomorrow when he calls to talk to the kids, I'll tell him I'm making about bills and ask about the car payment. I mean, I do all his personal credit card bills right now, it wouldn't be weird for me to add that in at this point. we'll see what he says. if he says he wants to take care of it himself, I'll be cool and calm. at least to him...you all will get an earful of self-doubt and speculation. lol.