I thought the same thing today. I saw my little D3 coming out of school (we pick them up outside), and I see her little shoes coming around the corner...then her with her too big school bag, all smiles. SOOO happy to see me. I felt so blessed.
S2 is hesitant with the toilet. I try to set him up for success. He always has to go in the morning, but he doesn't want to. I had a little potty for him that he wanted nothing to do with. He started showing interest in flushing the big toilet. So yesterday I bought a seat that fits on top of the toilet. This morning, he went in there and tried to set it up himself. S9 helped him and he went! We have stickers for reinforcement (with the cheers and hugs of course).
We are all so blessed with our wonderful children! At one point during all of this, I was suicidal. Almost did it twice. It was my children that stopped me. I couldn't leave them. Hugs to all of them and all of you!
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
(((HUGS))) neph. wow, that is scary. I'm very sorry.
lwb, how are you doing? I'm thinking about you tonight.
I just had a punch in the gut. literally, I feel like someone hit me. I just realized something H e-mailed me earlier. He e-mailed me to tell me his check was already in the bank (new job, new direct deposit set up and such). I do the bills, so wrote back, thanks for the info, and then asked him about his new car, if there was a coupon book or whatever. he never responded back to that question...and he was online, we had a different e-mail thread going about some kid stuff that was going on.
I just realized he also commented that bonus should be in the bank in the next couple of days. then, silence when I asked about the car, I didn't comment about the bonus at all.
omg, bonus is what I have feared all along...its what we were going to use for the divorce. I wonder if he's back to thining that.
I feel sick. literally, my stomach hurts like I was punched. okay, I've never been punched in the stomach, but it feels like what being punched looks like it feels like.
breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out.
I may be just doing the whiskey bottle thing all over again. likely I am. but wow, seriously, folks, all along I knew I had some time on my side, that nothing was likely to be done prior to bonus, and now, here it is. filing could be any moment...if not now, then it could be next week. my mind is working over time. vegas could be not only about celebrating their relationship, but also the end of ours.
okay, wow, guess I'm glad they can't get married there yet, because my mind really is going a mile a minute, to places that H probably hasn't even thought of. maybe.
I'm not going to ask him if that is what he is thinking. I'm not. but oh the dread. a few weeks ago when I found out he went out with ow on sat night instead of being with the kids, and I flipped out on him, I had told him lets set the date after bonus to go over all the logistics. so now I am thinking that's exactly what he's going to do. omg. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. omg, why did he have to f with me these last couple of weeks? seriously, why???? because it meant way too much to me. did it mean anything to him? was he being honest when he said he was confused/messed up??? or was it just a fleeting thing and now he's ready to move on??? I'll tell you, my gut is telling me its the latter, but then, maybe I'm just too freaked out right now to really know what I'm feeling.
I'm thinking way too much about him. all of this is way too much about him, and way too out of my control. I know that. I know I have to stop. I do. but I feel like I was hit and I just needed to get it out.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Ok. First of all, I don't think he is filing. If he has been doing this confusion dance with you for the last few weeks and is SO emotion-less that he can file the next week, then you are powerless, because he is totally off his rocker. Way up and down on the emotions! I don't think he is filing. I question the silence about the car question, but help me out here. What does the car have to do with the bonus? Didn't he already get a new car, or were you thinking the bonus was going to be used for a new car.
I am glad the kids are either asleep or going to sleep because you need some time to calm down. I am so sorry morgan. I really don't think he is filing.
And wouldn't he keep the bonus money out of the bank if that's what he plans to do with it? Wait, you said direct deposit, so maybe he can't do that.
I know what sots'll say. lol...too much speculation, too much focus on H. and I know that. I'm pot boiling here (getting really upset and venting till the waters gone and I calm down).
no, bonus has nothing to do with the car, just realized that on the original financial e-mail thread, he mentioned both the dd of his paycheck and that bonus should be there any day. the only thing I commented on was the paycheck, and then asked about the car stuff and never heard back from him. now I guess I am wondering if its because he threw the bonus thing out there...was fishing to get things started. I know, I know, this is total speculation. but the fact that he didn't answer about the car makes me wonder if he was looking for me to bite on the other.
this is probably confusing to read, but it does make sense, just probably not explaining it very well.
bonus should be dd, but since he left the company, it might not be, so then it will be a check. he better not touch it w/o talking to me first, so far we have both been really good about the money stuff. in fact, I am thankful for how good he has been, especially after reading some horror stories of other H's. I have asked him to sit down and figure out the logistics prior to retaining a lawyer, but the truth of the matter is, I have asked many things out of him only to be let down. so far the one boundery he has respected is the kids and OW, and who knows how long that will last. every single other one he has crossed.
we have talked about this, about my fear that I will be home with the kids one day and the doorbell will ring and I will be served. I have no idea how I will be served if things do progress in that direction, but that is my fear. I don't know a good way to be served, but I guess it would be better to e-mail or talk about logistics ahead of time. certainly anything is better than a shock. when I told H my fear, he started crying...again, the man who I have only ever seen cry a handful of times in my life. He is shocked that I would think he'd be such an ass as to do that. so maybe it won't be that, but maybe it will be him asking for the sit down to discuss logistics. better than the sprung-on-me papers, but damn. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready.
I do know I'm probably speculating way too much. I guess having been burned so many times, it makes me a bit wary of what is to come.
I promise I'll try to get past all this wild speculation by tomorrow. I will. because you are right, there is nothing I can do to change it if he goes that route, I can only control/change myself. I know that. logically, I know that.
tomorrow when he calls to talk to the kids, I'll tell him I'm making about bills and ask about the car payment. I mean, I do all his personal credit card bills right now, it wouldn't be weird for me to add that in at this point. we'll see what he says. if he says he wants to take care of it himself, I'll be cool and calm. at least to him...you all will get an earful of self-doubt and speculation. lol.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
okay, need a good laugh, everyone? I went back to my e-mail and re-read the original one. this was it:
Hey,
My first check went into today from x. It includes first 2 weeks of Sept plus 5 prorated days from August so it’s bigger than it will usually be. Total deposit was $. My bonus should be in soon as well.
H.
lol. okay, so my wild spec is probably a tempest in a teapot. I think the reality that my bought time (waiting for bonus) is over is just freaking me out a bit. because at least before, I knew nothing would happen for a while. now I know it can at any time.
still, will transfer almost everything to our ING acct once its in there. yes, he has access to it, but he never does any of the bank stuff and I don't think he even knows his own password (I set everything up). lol. so I think he'll ask me first before transfering it back. and then yeah, discussion time, but will cut down on the sudden filing. maybe.
enough.
off to watch coupling. I need a good laugh.
Last edited by morgan; 09/14/0701:45 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
But what I was thinking was, maybe HE was bringing up the bonus, waiting to see if you were going to say something about the bonus and using it for filing. Maybe HE was worried that you were going to bring it up.
He was redeemed, but only for tonight. There's always tomorrow.
no, not redeemed, he doesn't quite deserve that, but I'm breathing a bit easier, for tonight, anyway. but the reality is it can be any time now. and that is f-ing scary as hell.
need to work harder on my detaching. yep, need to get my rear in gear on that again, so if/when it does happen, it might not be as bad a blow.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Gosh I dunno Morgan. You sound like you both still love each other. You sound more than 50% sure you still love him and he sounds at least 50% he wants to come back. Damn, them's good odds!
Detaching is good as long as you do it before you lose all your love for him. Keep some love points in the love bank or you may fall out of love.
Sorry, for the reminder but I am catching up with your sitch. Um, a year? Geez. Think my H had been having an affair for 4-6? months and I could easily see me still in this same sitch in a year. Time flies when you're having no responsibilities of child rearing. And I thought this affair would fizzle in 3 months and now I see your H is hanging on after 12!
I actually peaked at some of the Self Help books at the book store and right next to DR was aa advice book on dating a man who is getting a divorce! How insulting. The book talked about how loving a man who is seperated feels like having an affair because you have to keep the R a secret and cannot go out in public. please!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
