There and Back, #5

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))) neph. wow, that is scary. I'm very sorry.

lwb, how are you doing? I'm thinking about you tonight.

I just had a punch in the gut. literally, I feel like someone hit me. I just realized something H e-mailed me earlier. He e-mailed me to tell me his check was already in the bank (new job, new direct deposit set up and such). I do the bills, so wrote back, thanks for the info, and then asked him about his new car, if there was a coupon book or whatever. he never responded back to that question...and he was online, we had a different e-mail thread going about some kid stuff that was going on.

I just realized he also commented that bonus should be in the bank in the next couple of days. then, silence when I asked about the car, I didn't comment about the bonus at all.

omg, bonus is what I have feared all along...its what we were going to use for the divorce. I wonder if he's back to thining that.

I feel sick. literally, my stomach hurts like I was punched. okay, I've never been punched in the stomach, but it feels like what being punched looks like it feels like.

breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out.

I may be just doing the whiskey bottle thing all over again. likely I am. but wow, seriously, folks, all along I knew I had some time on my side, that nothing was likely to be done prior to bonus, and now, here it is. filing could be any moment...if not now, then it could be next week. my mind is working over time. vegas could be not only about celebrating their relationship, but also the end of ours.

okay, wow, guess I'm glad they can't get married there yet, because my mind really is going a mile a minute, to places that H probably hasn't even thought of. maybe.

I'm not going to ask him if that is what he is thinking. I'm not. but oh the dread. a few weeks ago when I found out he went out with ow on sat night instead of being with the kids, and I flipped out on him, I had told him lets set the date after bonus to go over all the logistics. so now I am thinking that's exactly what he's going to do. omg. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. omg, why did he have to f with me these last couple of weeks? seriously, why???? because it meant way too much to me. did it mean anything to him? was he being honest when he said he was confused/messed up??? or was it just a fleeting thing and now he's ready to move on??? I'll tell you, my gut is telling me its the latter, but then, maybe I'm just too freaked out right now to really know what I'm feeling.

I'm thinking way too much about him. all of this is way too much about him, and way too out of my control. I know that. I know I have to stop. I do. but I feel like I was hit and I just needed to get it out.