I cannot lick this sinus thing..I feel like Felix Unger for the Odd Couple making weird noises so I can breathe through my nose! I do think this is my weakness, though..You know, when you are stressed? My sinus' are always a mess when I am stressed..
I have been on such a momentum rush for so long..Now, when I slow down, I feel strange. Maybe I am addicted to keeping busy, kind of like a workaholic. I was never, ever like that before and I saw my T the other day and we addressed it.
Seems like I was told for so long how lazy and stupid I was that I am on a quest to prove differently, I guess. My T told me I haven't really mourned the end of my M. I did most of my legal work, went back to school, worked full time student teaching all the whille studying for the state exam in Secondary English and writing papers..I was moving so fast that I didn't have time to be sad.
Well, today I was sad. Not crazy sad. But sad. New Guy was here and I realize that I have been so restless lately and it has been fired in his direction. I guess I was picking on him so he would leave me alone. I guess I am used to that since XH left me alone.
I didn't realize I was doing that until New Guy seemed to have had it. He is the nicest guy in the world and is very proactive when I am in a "funk". He simply listens to me and asks if he can help. This time, he said he was not happy about being the target when he was trying to help.
I realize I do this as a defense mechanism. Also, I admit it. I am mourning my M and having New Guy around seems strange when I feel that way. I almost feel guilty having those thoughts when he is in the house. But, today I told him. We sat on the front porch and i told him I didn't know what was wrong. I said when I slow down, I am depressed. It's so much easier running.
I said to him I am so tired of trying to do it all. Graduating from grad school, keeping the kids safe and sound, teaching at the college level for the first time and trying to start a new business. On one hand, I feel great when I am lost in these responsibilites, but I am exhausted and if I keep up this pace, I am going to crash and burn.
So what the heck do I do?
My T told me that he is in awe concerning all I have done. However, he sees me going at a fast pace and asked me if I was taking care of myself..You know, sleeping enough, eating right..And I haven't been sleeping well lately at all.
I realize that I need to make peace with my D to move forward. And, I am doing that, I think. But this is a process.
I have been seeing alot of XH lately since he has been taking the kids more. I hear now he wants to move back to town and was all "googly" last night over a woman he and the kids saw at another booth eating at a restaurant. My S says to me today, she looked just like you.
I think I am bitter..finally. I wasn't too bitter during all of this since I thought he was such a putz. However, when I see moments of clarity or that soft look in XH's eyes when we talk, I get mad. Like..WTF? Was it all worth it"? ARe u happy u left me out to the curb and treated me like sh**? I don't like being angry..I hate it..I have buried this for so long since I always said I didn't want to be one of those XW's that is bitter and can't move on.
He wrecked a family and now regrets it. Well, good for him but too much has happened. Is it bad for me to say I am still pissed about it!
New Guy is wonderful. He is not a bandaid since I find it easier not to date than to date..so the band aid for me is running to my house when I feel vulnerable..my room..just running..I am not running to New Guy ever when I feel sad, mad, confused..I admit it ..I am a runner..Never was with my XH but if I feel that I need a breather in a conversation with NEw Guy, I tell him I need to think. He understands, thank God.
I have been running lately and today I told him why. He was great. He used the analogy that you feel like you are in the middle of the ocean paddling in a raft alone. You are tired of paddling..You are tired of being alone..And you are pissed about it..He said that is so normal.
Then, he said to me, " he was the coast guard just waiting for the S.O.S. and he would be there..I told him I didn't need to be rescued..I just needed him to paddle for a while.
He said that is why I am here and kissed my forehead.
I am trying to slow down a bit more but I do need to stop being like Rocky.
Reflecting is what I do best and it is so very important to use this opportunity to assess where I have been, how I got here and where I want to go. I just have to stop trying to control everything.
When your life is so out of your control for so long it is TERRIFYING putting the car on cruise control.
I hope this all made sense as I needed to sort out my thoughts.
As for XH, I look at him and I am not attracted anymore. I am not in love with him anymore. I am nothing when I see him except regreat that he couldn't be the person I thought he was. I wish I had the M that could have been saved. I really do. But it was impossible as I see we had no foundation to stand on. I stand for M but not an R that strips you of your self worth.
As for New Guy, he isn't going anywhere as he told me today. He said if I need space, he understands but he is in this for the long haul. He said whatever it takes, I am here to work on this R.
