I started coming here in May, my husband had left and after reading DR I was determined to save my M. After DB'g my ass off he came back in June but left again August 2nd. At this point I don't know if I want to save my M. There is no OP, he has some serious mental issues that I don't know if he is willing to get help for. I know he loves me but I don't know if he is good for me. The first 3 years we were together he left 7 times. I would come home & his stuff would be gone, no note, nothing. The last time (before May) was 5 years ago and he was gone for 6 months, quit his job, left the state, no contact the whole time. When he came back I said that would be the last time I would take him back and he agreed to get help, got on AD meds, went to counselling and things were great for 6 months b4 he stopped taking the meds. The last 4 years were good, for the most part, and I was feeling like he had gotten over whatever anxiety that made him run away. Then he got a big promotion and overnight he changed. Within 2 weeks he was gone (said he was going to a meeting and never came back). I know that this is about him, his insecurity, depression, anxiety, and I know that I did everything I could to make the marriage work. At this point he has to help himself. I don't know if it will happen and not sure if I could trust him again. He refused to help with the bills so I filed for spousal support w/o D and he was served Aug 17. He got a lawyer and answered by filing for D on Sept 6 so now I have to get a L. I hate all of this. This has been the most difficult, painful month of my life. I am so grateful for you people because even though I wasn't posting, I was reading, and crying, and laughing with all of you. Your strength and wisdom and generosity of spirit (and sense of humor!) have been a blessing for me during this nightmare. Thank you all!!
Oh Karen, what a tough time you have had with this man. I am so sorry.
What are you doing that is for you? What are your goals? Are you doing some things that feel pampering? I ask because it seems like you need to do that, to take care of you.
Oh, Trip, I know your sitch and am amazed at how far you have come in a year. I can relate to how you felt at first because I don't work. Not my choice, I was a nurse and hurt my back and am on Soc Sec. Having chronic pain can sometimes make GAL difficult. I am involved in AA (sober for almost 8 years, yay me!) but haven't been to many meetings this month. Every other time he left I felt so good, so positive, because I knew he would be back but this time I have been so depressed, can't eat, sleep, sometimes I stay in bed all day. I know this is bad for me so I started IC 2 weeks ago and Lexapro last week. Still having trouble sleeping, even with Ambien. I know what I need to do but can't seem to make myself do it- exercise, go to meetings, go to the beach, go fishing- things that make me happy. I just don't have the energy. I think I am paralyzed by fear. Praying to get over that and have the faith that things will be okay. That things already ARE okay.
I know that fear can really hold us back. Fear was my security blanket and sometimes still is. It is so hard to break through that.
Just making that first step will make all of the difference. Make yourself go out even if it is for a short walk. Make yourself some tea or whatever it is you like and have a nice bath before bed. Do something soothing. Tell yourself you are a wonderful woman and that you are happy. Repeat it over and over. Change that negative tape into a positive one!
It's great that you are getting some help. Right there, you are already caring about yourself.
Hey, good for you on staying sober. That's fantastic!
Fear sux... I am trying to find balance between allowing myself to FEEL (without trying to numb w/alcohol, food, sex, etc) and becoming overwhelmed by the feelings.
I tried letting small doses in...I would give myself time limits (I can be scared for 20 mins...) and then I would let myself feel scared about anything and everything and when the egg timer went off I would make myself do something small to conquer a small fear. Or a small sadness...
always something small and do-able. And any effort was good effort and I totally stuart smally-ed myself and I would call friends who knew what was up and I would say...
Hi, fig! Thanks for posting. I sometimes have trouble asking for help (hence the 3+ months lurking w/o a post!) but I'm trying to stop isolating and allow myself to receive the love & kindness my friends and family try to give. I think, more than anything, the insomnia is kicking my ass. Makes me feel nuts. Love the egg timer idea, feel but don't wallow. I have been wallowing and it just ain't like me. BTW, yesterday was fun til the mods stepped in. Thanks to snakes for getting me to finally post. And all of you, especially Mr HS, for being so f'ing funny!
i have a very difficult time asking for help...it was one of the great gifts in all of this...for me and my friends...I learned how to ask and they finally feltlike they could give it!!!!
the love and support of friends is a great gift... I feel like I am reverting to old behavior: depression, isolation, not taking care of myself, but, thanks to my new friends Lexapro and Ambien, I am seeing some progress. Baby steps, Stuart Smalley-ish, widdle tiny steps, but in the right direction (I deserve good things, goddamnit!!) . It's so great to have people that understand. Most of my friends are sympathetic enough but just don't get it.
